An Absurdist Search for The Odious Oligarch of Oz

"I'm hungry."

Barely awake, Dorsey had just finished his morning tea.

He yelled...

"Who said that?"

His shaggy black cat was on the other side of the room.

"You spoke, didn't you?" He glared at the animal.

His pet admitted nothing.

"What's the Number One Rule in this house, Toto?"

Toto raised a paw to point at a sign on the wall. It read....

ANIMALS & OBJECTS DO NOT TALK!!!

"That's right!" Dorsey was adamant. "No chatty creatures are allowed anywhere near me! No talking bears! No communicative koalas! No jabbering insects!

"No voices echoing from drains either! No complaining microwaves! No whiny croissants begging for mercy in French!

"And for God's sake, no talking dolls! Or puppets! That shit is overused and illogical!

"This is reality!

" Silence is golden!!!!"

He pointed at Toto. "You are not allowed to talk to me!"

His cat used his whiskers like a stringed instrument, playing Dorsey’s favorite song. Unable to help himself, Dorsey began to sing…

🎼🎵🎶"Somewhere before this nightmare

" All Ozians knew

"Even Wizards can't lower egg prices

“During an outbreak of avian flu!

🎼🎵🎶"Everyday, during this nightmare

"The autocrat lies

"Working toward a land where we're all serfs

"And the disabled die!

🎼🎵🎶🎵🎵🎶“Someday I’ll steal a rich man's car and be an overnight TikTok star

“When I igniiiiite it!

🎼🎵🎶🎵🎶🎵"I'll weave a magical solution and foment a Revolution

"Then inciiiiiite it!

🎼🎵🎶“Somewhere, before this nightmare

“Monkeys flew

“And we never willingly allowed despots

“To rule over both me and you.”

🎼🎵🎶“Someday, we’ll escape this nightmare

“Four years from now

“We’ll survive our national nightmare

“Even though I don’t know how.”

"Fine," he told Toto. "I'll go get you some food, you pain in the ass!"

He left his house, scanning the skies for grok droids, which were far more sinister than any flying monkey ever was.

He set off down the orange brick road.

Just beyond his house on Kansas street were the hazard signs.

Dorsey kept going.

Sullenly, he pondered all the shocking events of the last few months.

During the successful January 20th coup, an angry mob of brainwashed Ozians attacked Emerald City.

The Scarecrow's head was lopped off with a scythe, then fed to cattle.

The mob jeered.

The tin man was rusted by piss and spit, then dismembered with can-openers.

The rioters laughed.

The lion was put down using pentobarbital sodium.

The horde cheered.

Dorsey muttered, “It was a shit show.”

As soon as the usurping Wizard seized the Emerald Palace, he turned it into the Tangerine Palace. No one understood why the Asshole renamed it Mar-a-Lago. 🤷

Everyone who was perceived as disloyal was placed on the chopping block.

The orange man was merciless when seeking revenge.

Given the title of Bro-Mander-in-Chief, a heartless trilliquadzillionaire exercised unlimited power to harm the poor. The Evil Elon shuttered agencies that protected every unmagical Ozian. He closed the Lollypop Guild. He eliminated the Department of Education. He fired Air Enchantment Controllers.

He closed Social Security Administration offices when more employees were needed, not less!!!

Still More Horrors Lie Ahead!

When Dorsey trudged through munchkin-land, all the formerly vibrant flowers were withered. Instead of giggling issuing forth from the bushes, there was weeping & wailing & the gnashing of tiny teeth.

Munchkins had already suffered terribly under orange rule. Many were deported, their green cards stamped orange. Others were drafted into the army Short Corps to fight in the newly declared war on Canada.

Dorsey raged...

"He's a pernicious tyrant worse than the wicked witch ever was!"

"He wants to take over Greenland? Why? Just so he can rename it Orangeland?"

"They say he wants to put his face on Mount Ozmore, right up there with Frank Morgan, Jeff Goldblum, and David Copperfield!

"No fucking way!"

Finally, still steaming, Dorsey arrived at his destination: PetSpell. He hadn't seen a single person. He had a bad feeling about this.

The door was locked. A new computer screen on the entrance read, “VERIFY YOU ARE HUMAN.”

“What? This is new!" Dorsey was appalled. "Verify I'm human? What else would I be? A politician?!?"

"If you prick me, do I not bleed? If Space X rockets explode, do I not laugh? If you continue your assaults on public workers, shall we not seek revenge?"

Pissed, he typed 'MAKE OZ GREAT AGAIN' using ALL CAPS.

A virtual hourglass was flipped, pouring red sand.

"THIS MAY TAKE A FEW SECONDS.”

.............................

..........................................

..............................................................

Dorsey lost it: "THIS IS FUCKED UP!!! Why are you taking so long?!? You wanna hear how much work I lose on Vocal because of this same kind of Cloudflare shit?”

He fidgeted, yanking on the door to PetSpell, but it was sealed shut.

The doors turned orange with a message stating...

"Something went wrong. Help us improve."

"Are you kidding me!?!?"

That's when he saw it.

"Oh shit, NO!"

The 🌈rainbow🌈 was coming.

😱

Panicked, knowing he couldn't outrun it, he fled anyway. "No, no, no, NO!

"I will not go through this again!"

The rainbow hit him hard, lifting him high into the sky, like a human balloon. He screEEEEEEEeamed as he hit the top of the arch and began the slide back down.

The end of the rainbow brought him right back home.

"AAAAARGH!"

Toto was waiting. He held up a sign that read...

🐾Where's my food, bitch?!?🐾

Dorsey sighed.

He had planned to write that absurdist story today so he could submit it before the deadline.

“Fuck it! My life is nothing but typose, and bad jokes, and idiotic premises anyway.”

Glumly, Dorsey once again set off down the orange brick road.

*by

________________Bolt⚡

©️William Markly O'Neal II, 2025