I Will No Longer Be Available to Save the World ⚡🌎⚡

Beloved Colleagues

(and those of you who get on my nerves),

Don't judge me.

I am hereby tendering my resignation and giving up my post as a superhero.

As most as you already know, my extraordinary story began back in the spring of 1979.  I was near Three Mile Island when I was struck by lightning. 

Not long after that fateful day, I donned my signature costume, cape, boots, gloves, and mask.

Like all super humans, it was in that origin moment that I stopped aging. That is truly both a hero's & a villain's greatest undiscussed superpower.

We never grow old.

Like old Roy Rogers movies.

I gained the ability to run at 55mph, never above the speed limit.

I can lift 777 pounds.

I have lightning-fast reflexes, of course.

And I can generate high voltage from my hands, naturally.

But as impressive as all those powers are, it's my mindset and my personality that really sets me apart from others.

I'm innovative.  

I'm resourceful.  

I'm devilishly handsome (without being possessed with a demon).

I'm charismatic and communicative.

Basically, I'm a PR-Wet-Dream-Come-True.

Why do you think my mask only covered part of my face?

Hiding my square jaw and my radiant smile would be a crime.

But you already knew that.

What you will falsely assume is that the weight of almost 40 years of responsibility has become too much for me to bear. And I would be lying if I didn't admit it's been a lot.

I've defeated countless supervillains, bad actors, and other Forces of Darkness. I have thwarted too many supervillains to name. 

Some of their plots are tricky too! Not all of them are lame.

I've saved the world sixteen times.

I was one of 22 heroes that prevented the entire universe from imploding.

The Milky Way owes me its eternal gratitude. I was there when the Galaxy Gobbler was thirsty, and it was me who convinced him to drink Andromeda instead.

If I hadn't gone back in time to jumpstart humanity's evolution, you'd be a monkey right now and wouldn't be reading this.

I stopped the citizens of Boise from being turned into potatoes.

I saved New York City from being overrun by camels.

I was instrumental in helping Canada repel "annexation" (invasion) attempts from You-Know-Who. 

I helped raise Atlantis.  Then I helped sink it again when the Atlanteans turned out to be assholes.

Little known fact: King Kong was based on a True Story, and I was the one that rescued the real live (male) version of Fay Wray (who, coincidentally, was named Ray Faye.)

If it wasn't for me, everyone would still be discussing what to do about Volkswagen emissions.  

Oh, and who do you think stopped that bat boy invasion?

The list of my accomplishments is parsecs long.

I've done my part for humanity.

And please do not accuse me of being arrogant, as so many have done in the past.

I freely admit I have limitations— like ionizers, criminals in rubber suits, and hot scantily clad superbabes.

Being a chick magnet has its downside, believe it or not.

I have been defeated several times.

I wouldn't say many times.

I'd say several.

I've been shackled, and chained, and caged, and housed in extradimensional cupboards.

I've been put in prisons on seven different planets, including Vulcan, where I was forbidden to emote.

On September 9th, 1999, I was shot into the deep void of space to drift aimlessly 'forever'. That turned out to be a nice three-week vacation.

Once, I woke up from a strange coma in Comb's house in East Hampton. But to be honest, I might have gotten myself into that one.

I have escaped every attempt to kill or imprison me. It's like, if my life was a comic book instead of being real, all those setbacks would be the cliffhanger at the end of one action-packed issue, and then in the very next twist-ending episode, I'd show my bravery and ingenuity, overcoming all threats to both myself & humanity.

I'm good at this shit.

I'm experienced.

I overcome.

Remind the new generation of that. Put up a few statues of me so they'll be inspired.

Quote me.

It is time for new blood. With all these odd new supervillains, like Rage Bait, and Doom Scoller, and the Mad Memer, and the Felonious Phisherman— they should face Gen Z adversaries.

That will create the best dynamic for compelling drama.

These new heroes are eager to make nicknames for themselves! It will be better for everyone if I step aside.

I know what you are thinking.

There will be a collective gasp from the media.

People will cry.

Supervillains will laugh.

Entire cities will gnash their teeth.

Dogs will howl and the bowls of the Earth will rumble.

Tough questions will be asked by the authorities.

But eventually all the hubbub will die down.

People will have to deal with A.I. and they'll move on.

If there is another Extinction Event, maybe I'll return to duty.

Reluctantly.

But I'm never doing the friendly neighborhood speedster shit ever again!

I know you're wondering what I'll do with my time.

The truth is, for a very long time, I have had an aspiration to be an author.

I'm going to publish on Vocal.media.

I have hundreds of poems inside me just waiting to be written.

Many are likely to be absurdist ramblings that will probably read like gibberish. But they'll make sense to me, the guy who's fought so many escaped lunatics. Writing them and submitting them to a supportive Poets community could be therapeutic.

I want to write Horror stories, after all the terrors I've seen. Hell is not the place most people think it is. Trust me. I know.

A guy like me who has been to both the past and the future, as well as 27 different dimensions has a lot of science fiction to publish in Futurism.

I want to share my recipes in Feast. Many will help improve your electrolytes.

I know secrets that will rewrite both the history books & the History community, including that Anthony & Cleopatra were just good friends.

I've seen the weirdest shit, and a mere fraction of it can be explained by magic. Just as an example: I once found letters written back and forth between kitty litter and a dog bed! How wacky is that?

It makes sense that I should try my hand at Humor, although with my serious nature, I doubt if I'll be any good at it.

I eat a lot of double cheesy beef burritos, so I plan to say a few nice things about Taco Bell.

I will not reveal my secret identity. I will not have a picture online. Sometimes I will appear as the atmospheric phenomenon that I'm named for. Either that, or I'll appear in my cloaked superhero form.

Of course, I will write under the 'pen name' ____Lightning Bolt⚡.

I expect to have an audience of at least 27,000 after the first year, garnering 127,000 reads per story by 2022.

Those are modest predictions. It could be much more.

Soon all my stories will be read by millions of people worldwide.

As you see, I'm not actually resigning from being a superhero.

I'm transforming into a superheroic storyteller, an evergreen hero whose stories will be told.

You stay strong.

Have faith.

Don't take any irradiated bitcoins.

And please become one of my paid subscribers on Vocal.

You'll be glad you did.

⚡😁👍

_________________Bolt⚡

This letter of resignation was tendered simultaneously to the Electric League of Illinois and the Astounding Midwest Alliance of Magnificent Wonders in December 2017, one month before ___Lightning Bolt ⚡ joined Vocal.

The rest, as they say, is history!