Outsourcing Hell

Because of Satan’s recent decision to outsource their jobs, a group of rebellious demons found themselves with endless idle time on their hoofs, tentacles, mandibles, and hands. Miserable fiends huddled together in flaming magma, with nothing to do but suffer.

"It's unfair!"

"Well, of course it is. He is Satan after all."

"PRAISE HIS UNHOLY NAME!"

"I can't believe He did this to us! I thought we could trust Him!"

Everyone laughed. "Didn't you go through orientation?"

"He has to keep them all up there? Not a single new damned soul comes to us anymore?"

"It makes sense, when you think about it. All evil times throughout all history led up to this moment."

A scorpion-demon named Rrcknlkhurrcn spoke for a great many irritated insect- demons when he exclaimed, “Humans simply aren’t capable of inflicting the seven degrees of pain that a demon can!”

Fuming dragon–wasps and flaming dogflies grunted sulfur agreements.

"A few are," clarified someone, "but they aren't dead yet."

The mechanized horror named Chip said wistfully, "Wait for Musk to get here. He'll modernize everything!"

Someone else whined, "But we've been waiting on him forever!!!"

Rrcknlkhurrcn espoused, “Yes, the mortals' wars are awful, horrible, yadda, yadda, bang, bang, shoot, yeah, whatever. And humans are always frightened; so yes, about every five seconds they abandon all their ethics to act collectively with cold brutality and spite. I grant you that! But can mortals really display the kind of savagery that is necessary to torture the damned?” He answered his own question, “I don’t think so!”

“Haven’t you been paying attention?” asked Pgglwgglswnsprklnxbccn, who spoke for a mammalian group of swine-demons. “Satan is redefining 'eternal'!” The noxious hog-thing waddled up to Rrcknlkhurrcn and his fluttering cronies, viciously gesturing with abhorrent hooves.

Rrcknlkhurrcn was bewildered. His insect posse buzzed their confusion.

Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd was a Greater Owl Demon who explained for the billionth time what was happening and how it affected Hell-spawn. “That new World War that just started has to conclude before the final war of Armageddon can take place. As long as the current conflict continues perpetually, both the Binding of Satan and the Millennial Kingdom are staved off!”

“Lucifer, defiant genius that He is—" said Pgglwgglswnsprklnxbccn, “seems to have found the perfect minions to perpetuate the current war indefinitely!”

“Doesn’t that piss off the Anti-Christ?” asked Rrcknlkhurrcn. “Prolonging the end of civilization also means preventing his reign on Earth, right?”

Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd rolled his quintet of giant pus-filled eyes. “You know what a brat Damien is! He’s always pissed off about something!”

Rrcknlkhurrcn couldn’t argue that point.

"How'd World War III even get started, anyway?"

"We've already gone over this!" grinded mechanized Chip. "That one divided country up there allowed that one dark soul to lead them. He created a 'War Emergency' just to escape being jailed for his own crimes."

"And to also further incite his minions."

"Is he like David Koresh?"

Everyone down here loved David Koresh!

"Actually," said Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd, "he influences way more people so he's way worse."

Everyone drooled.

"What the fuck is a 'War Emergency' anyway?" asked Rrcknlkhurrcn.

"Fuck if I know."

“None of that matterrrrrs," purred a curious cat-monster. "What I need to know is: how is Satan managing to prrrrrrrevent the currrrrent war frrrrrrrrrrrrrfrrrrrrrfrrrrrrfrom ending?”

Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd opened his beak to explain, but Pgglwgglswnsprklnxbccn cut him off, butting into the debate to snort sarcastically, “How does Satan always manage to do His greatest work?”

At the back of the mob of burning Infernals, a small chimp-demon raised its hand and said, “Organized religion?”

A Neanderthal-demon used a spiked club to beat the ichor out of the chimp-demon, then jumped up and down on his broken little body, screaming "BARBLEFLUMPER"-- the Neanderthal word for, 'DUMMY!'

Rrcknlkhurrcn finally voiced his real concern, the concern of all insect-demons everywhere. “We'll get called in immediately after the missiles fly, right? That’s we want to know about: the missiles.”

Half-life fireflies and cheetah-mosquitoes growled their version of an ‘Amen’.

Rrcknlkhurrcn knew very little about humans before they were condemned to Hell, but he'd heard about atomic bombs, and he knew insects would be the one natural lifeform that would survive the worst nuclear holocausts. He needed to know, “Do the nukes drop in this war or the next one?”

Pgglwgglswnsprklnxbccn kicked magma-slop at the scorpion-demon, raging, “What do I look like? A calendar?”

The jaguar-demon perked up and asked the incessant questions of its ilk, “Is the Mayan calendar ending? Is it time yet?!?”

Rrcknlkhurrcn turned to Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd, shouting, “They've had the capacity for annihilation for how long? And they are still procrastinating and haven’t engaged in an all-out atomic war? That’s just rude!”

Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd puffed up his ruffled owl-chest, squirting pus from his feathers as he squawked, “You’re all missing the point!”

The scorpion-demon, sow-demon, and the Greater Owl-Demon continued to argue with each other because they had nothing else to do.

It was the howling hound-demons who felt the chaos created by men. They barked incessantly. They could sense soldiers dying on battlefields, but they were denied the odor of the evil- doers, scents they used to hunt before their jobs were rendered obsolete. Feeling useless, they wept damned-doggy tears.

Every fiend felt painfully deprived.

Hrnhtscrchwzrdgghdmntrbrd summed up everyone's envy, in an argument with his own loathsome bird brethren. “Creating ghosts has always been a favorite pastime of Satan. For some damned souls, the most agonizing punishment is to sentence them to an invisible existence where they roam helplessly, never able to affect the mortal world. And now, with so many deportations to terrible secret prisons, and all the ongoing wars, and all the perpetual bombings, and all the cuts to Social Security!!!, Our Luminous Lord Satan likes making awful people see what happens as a result of their actions. They just stay there... and watch."

A cryptic nameless snake-demon raised a hooded head and hissed, “SSSSssssalssssassss asssmussssssst besss sssssspilt insss ssssspite ofsss thesss gagsssisssslissssped ssssssselections of sssssinsssterisssm.”

Nobody had a clue what the fuck that meant, and not just because of its lisp. They all ignored the sssserpent, like usssual.

“What I wouldn’t give for just one more girl scout,” said the wistful cookie monster.

“It’s not fair,” complained the brimstone zombies, who were already looking thinner than normal. “How are we supposed to survive without eating spirit-brains?”

“And what am I supposed to put in my martinis if I can’t use eyeballs?” groused the souse-grouse-demon.

“You think you’ve got problems!” grumbled a succubus, speaking for all her sisters and her incubus brothers. “Who are we supposed to have sex with?!”

Rrcknlkhurrcn’s best friend, the beetle-demon named Juice, asked the most pertinent question(s), “How many ghosts can the Earth hold?” He asked it two more times, “How many ghosts can the Earth hold? How many ghosts can the Earth hold?”

“If we knew that,” said the pig-demon with a grunt, “we’d know when we’re all going to be getting back to work.”

The Greater Owl-Demon crunched a hot rock on a stick and answered, “Three.”

"Three what? Three what? Three what?" asked beetle Juice.

"When will this all end?"

"NEVER!"

That's when Satan finally grew tired of their bitching and threw them a bone.

A snarling growling howling yowling yawping yammering clamoring clangoring cacophonous screeching shrieking squealing roaring wailing whooping flailing tumultuous discordant rumbling thundering bellowing chortling laughing splitting-of-sides CHEER went up from all the bored ghouls.

"YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!!"

"FINALLY!!!!!"

"YUMMY!!!!"

"PRAISE THE DEVIL!!!"

"DO YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT EGO?!?!?"

"HAJULELLAH!!!!!!!!

"GOOD FOOD, GOOD TREAT...!!!!!!!"

"GOOD INFERNO, LET'S EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

All that the demons were given was a single narcissistic felonious pompous arrogant vainglorious overweening conceited deceitful hypocritical adulterous greedy slothful wrathful self-aggrandizing self-dramatizing self-contented self-glorifying self-congratulatory self-promoting self-engrossed self-adulatory self-applauding self-affected self-important self-satisfied self-centered selfish ignorant bigoted swellheaded megalomaniacal lying cruel cocky complacent spiteful prideful vengeful highfalutin draft-dodging spray-tanned hater...

.... But it was enough for them all....

All except one finicky demon in the back who lamented,

"I don't like oranges."

_________________Bolt ⚡

Check out this👇sad story about a demon who falls in love. 😂🤣 {More comedy.}

A hellish song...⚡🔥

The Truth about Hell.🔥👇⚡