I'm a Winner! I'm a Winner!! I'm a MEMER!! I'm a BRAGGART!!!!

😎

⚡ Hello again! 👋😁

It's me: __Lightning Bolt⚡ and I'm a WINNER!

{Like everyone didn't know that already!}

I Won!

I Won!!

🔊 I won in The Instructions for Disappearing Challenge!!!!

<sing-songing> 🎼 🎵 🎶 I won the challenge! I won the challenge! I won the challenge!!! 🎶

This confirms something I have long suspected. At various times in my life, usually in the midnight hour, after I've eaten a lot of Taco Bell and smoked a shit-ton of weed (which mixes great with my anti-seizure meds! {not really})...

Sometimes...

I think I might be possessed by a Demon of Literacy! It takes over my body to create brilliant poetry that I have no memory of writing.

I love it!

Demons are too often maligned by the mainstream media.

I don't know my demon's name, his favorite TV shows, or anything about him. I just know that he uses me as a vessel to write really good shit.

Hell... it could be some kind of angelic possession.

That would make sense.

All I know for certain is: when a certain mixture of Diablo sauce, THC, and lightning-charged neurons are misaligned just right, I produce Award Winning poetry.

Clearly.

<sing-songing> 🎼 🎵 🎶 I won the challenge! I won the challenge! I won the challenge!!! 🎶

Actually, truth be told, I don't think my poem is nearly as meritorious as the poem written by Lamar Wiggins, or the one by Jen Parkhill, or Lindsay Coon's or Sam Harty's. Their entries are awesome, as is the poetry of all the runner-ups!

But Vocal did declare me a winner for this 👇 messed-up masterpiece...

My poem is bleak!

It's unrelenting!

It's got a rhythm that will grind you down, smaller & smaller, until you're smaller than our President's penis.

But this is the Humor Community... so I suppose I'll stop bragging about poetry (for now) and get comedic.

Just recognize you are in the presence of Greatness.

Go wild in the comments.

Don't be shy.

⚡___________⚡

Some said my last Meme-ing Adventure went a little overboard with warnings. I disagree, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. Those warnings cover my ass in case someone does walk away from my routines with serious mental or physical health problems.

I suggest you read all these warnings👇 before proceeding.

As always, it's vital that I stress one particular WARNING.

❗__C A U T I O N ❗__ ❗

You will become smitten with me, if you don't have a crush on me already. This natural attraction will only grow over time. Eventually, you'll love me like Romeo loved Juliet, like the moon loves the sun, like Donald Trump loves himself.

This is inevitable.

You won't be able to help yourself.

Don't try.

Especially now. Long ago, I definitively established that I am charming, powerful, sensual, and incredibly handsome. My buff body is the physique that dreams are made of. My endearing sense of humor has captured the hearts of queens and porn stars alike (I don't discriminate.) And now, added atop of all those alluring qualities, guess what?

I'M A WINNER!!!

I WON THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR DISAPPEARING CHALLENGE!!!

BOW BEFORE ME, THOSE WHO VALUE THE VAINGLORIOUS & VICTORIOUS!!!

<sing-songing> 🎼 🎵 🎶 I won the challenge! I won the challenge! I won the challenge!!! 🎶

It's crazy to be acknowledged for my poetry... considering I'm best known for my jocularity. I'm a fixture here in the Humor Community. Some people think I'm a babbling fool. Others think I'm channeling the ghosts of the Marx Brothers, with Harpo doing all the typing. Still other readers theorize that I have some form of brain-eating worm in head that is slowly consuming my cognitive abilities... which would make a lot of sense.

Whatever.

It happened.

I WON!!!

I assume many Vocalites are not just unhappy about that, you're likely furious.

You have a right to be, IMO.

You're probably like,

"How can this pompous, profane clown ever be recognized for anything he's ever written?"

Good question.

"He's received Top Stories for his 'humor' too! HOW?!?! WHY!?!?"

Lucky, I guess? 🤷

"Is Vocal in cahoots with him?"

They aren't. No.

"Did the judges eat bad magic mushrooms right before they chose the winners?"

That's possible.

🤔

Maybe.

🤷

It would make sense.

Ooo!

Do you think A.I. is behind this?

🤔

That would make sense too.

Whatever went wrong with Vocal will likely remain unknown... like who built the pyramids, or the truth behind George Reeves' death, or how a convicted felon who tried to overthrow the government got elected to a second term as President.

Some Mysteries will always remain Unsolved.

But yeah.

Something definitely went wrong at Vocal.

Whatever.

I AM A ROCK SOLID WINNER!!!

{ Rock solid in more ways than one! This is exciting! }

So now, the dazzling comedy follows!

You'll love it/me!

Guaranteed! Or I'll eat my virtual foot emoji.

Here we go!

⚡___________⚡

___#1-

My weirdness is not so much a decision I made— as a gift I was born with.

⚡😁 👍

Weirdness Is As Weirdness Does.

When the Tough get Weird, the Weird get Going.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: no one is weirder than __Bolt ⚡.

Life is a box of werditees. You never know what you're gonna get.

⚡___________⚡

___#2-

It actually happened only once...

... to the sign-maker's granddad.

The best way to confront trauma is head-on.

⚡___________⚡

___#3-

EINSTEIN IS DEAD!

He can't tell me what to do!

And for any of you readers who are inclined to do this math and give the solution in the comments, you are FOREWARNED: if you do that, I will mock and ridicule you!

#MathKills #HiroshimaHatesMath&soDoI #MathematicsIsForNerdsWithUnusedNeurons #MakeMathMagicAgain !

⚡___________⚡

___#4-

Were they implying 27 egg rolls is too many?!?

That's just rude.

⚡___________⚡

___#5-

What's even worse?

Becky's husband Bob thinks he's a Taco Bell just cuz he knows the difference between cilantro and oregano.

That family is seriously fucked up.

I need to call Animal Control again to see why they still haven't rescued Becky & Bob's beagle.

They actually named their dog: Beelzebub Burrito!

Who does that?!?

Answer: Becky & Bob.

⚡___________⚡

___#6-

You know... I always assumed it was because there was more sky on one side than the other!

Once again, God reminds me that I shouldn't speculate!

You would think I would have learned that after I said Kamala would win.

⚡___________⚡

___#7-

That guy just screwed himself out of getting a raise.

⚡___________⚡

___#8-

What? Mixed messages posted on a stonewall???

Who was just begging just last Friday night for me to take them 'to pound-town'?

These memes are starting to annoy me. 😠 WINNERS should not be restricted or rejected.

⚡___________⚡

___#9-

Been there, done that.

'Light saber' takes on a whole new meaning after losing a duel with Tequila.

And

"YES, doctor! for the billionth time, I'm ALWAYS sexually active!"

You'd think medical professionals would either have better memories or keep better notes.

I hate redundant questions.

⚡___________⚡

___#10-

You should fuck them.

- me👆 in every profession and persuing every hobby, including my Award Winning role here as Meme-ing Master.

⚡___________⚡

___#11-

Unexpected Is as Unexpected Does.

I love being unpredictable.

zippity 🦓 dooo 🌞!

⚡___________⚡

___#12-

Give it three weeks without nailing anything. It'll be standing up straight again and cruising lumberyards.

⚡___________⚡

___#13-

Actually, I like carrying the weight of being weird.

You 🫵, faithful reader, may carry on.

⚡___________⚡

___#14-

Actually, it could be worse.

We could live on a planet where a spray-tanned megalomaniac narcissist with a Messiah complex is hellbent on destroying democracy for the sake of his own self-aggrandizement, trying to distract his brainwashed paranoid minions from his own association with a known sex-traff.. ick... er...

um... 🫤

Wait...

Yeah.

We're fucked.

⚡___________⚡

WE PAUSE NOW FOR THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT FACEBOOK

I recently noticed something about Facebook.

When I post something on Facebook about how my day is sad or discouraging, compassionate women will reach out to me to send virtual hugs.

I love it!!!

I don't get nearly enough hugs.

Here's the thing, though...

I've seen a noticeable lack of hugs from guys.

Why is that?

🤔🤔🤔

It's jealousy, right?

My dick is so much bigger than most, it makes the average dude uncomfortable to be near mine even virtually!

Oh well. 🤷 I get it.

At least I have those imagined tits pressed up against me!

Thank you, ladies. You are a true source of comfort in these troubled times.

⚡🫂⚡

{{ And if you are skeptical that I have a big dick... I can prove it, but you'll have to sign a waver first.}}

END PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

⚡___________⚡

___#15-

Hey, don't knock being a "_bolt muncher" until you've tried it, buddy!

⚡😎 👍

⚡___________⚡

___#16-

To all the people who say I'm a horrible organizer and both an editor, you just

To all the snotty people who often get recieve that masserful proofreading Insight for your stories, lauding grammar or urs and your accurate spelling, you can fu !!!!!

⚡___________⚡

___ SPECIAL ALERT-

Introducing a New Meme-Ing Madness Feature!

It's our

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SEGMENT!

Fill in the blanks!

I'll start.

I'm 64 years old and I have never skydived.

Skydiving seems like it would be fun!

I've always been bold. I'm not reckless.

BUT...

That was before I WON A CHALLENGE!!!

I admire people who fly! Skydiving feels like it would be a near-flying experience. I think I wanna skydive!

🤔

⚡😁👍

Hell yeah!

As talented as I am, maybe I could even fly!

I'll paint lightning bolts on a black parachute and then I'll jump out of a plane and...

Seriously, DON'T meme?

I am a retired superhero, you know. I could skydive and survive, now that I'm a poetry challenge winner.

The two are interrelated, you know?

So many sonnets are written about the sky.

I'll just jump out of a...

Okay, DON'T sign...

<sigh>

You seem adamant about this.

I won't skydive.

🫤

⚡___________⚡

Anyway.

Reader, what confession will you 🫵 make?

Leave your answer in the comments.

But remember: the primary reason for the comment section is so you can praise, admire, and/or revere me.

Kiss my ass with veneration.

You can do that honestly, because...

I'm so freakin'great.

⚡😎👍

Until next time...

_____________ Bolt ⚡

ALSO: both the tip feature and paid subscriptions are excellent ways to show your respect!

Oh.

And one more thing...

Did I mention?

This is the serious postscript.....

All the recognized poets in The Instructions for Disappearing Challenge are extraordinary. I am honored & humbled to be among them. I'm not really obnoxious. 'Pride + Ignorance' is my shtick.

I appreciate Vocal.

I appreciate my small audience.

Subscribe to me if you dare.

I'm grateful for my passion to write. It sustains me.

Thank you kindly for your support.

Bill a.k.a. ____Bolt⚡