The Pompous Post
Bio
Welcome to The Pompous Post.... We specialize in weaponized wit, tactful tastelessness, and unapologetic satire! Think of us as a rogue media outlet powered by caffeine, absurdism, and the relentless pursuit to make sense from nonsense.
Stories (53)
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THE WONDERS OF PET OWNERSHIP (AND OTHER LIES WE TELL OURSELVES)
POMP BAY, USA - For centuries, humankind has proudly proclaimed itself the master of the animal kingdom. We have domesticated wolves, tamed jungle cats, and invited birds to share our homes in exchange for a few crackers and the occasional unsolicited scream.
By The Pompous Post2 months ago in Humor
LIVE AT 6: HALLOWEEN CHAOS SWEEPS THE NATION
POMP BAY, USA — 7:03 P.M. Another live, holiday report from your trusted name in news, The Pompous Post! The streets are alive tonight dear viewers, as costumed civilians flood the suburbs in what officials are calling “an organized candy extraction operation, with light property damage.” Visibility remains low due to fog machines, vape clouds, and that one guy who burned twenty pumpkin-scented incense sticks at the antique store.
By The Pompous Post2 months ago in Humor
DINNER WEATHER: A Dense Fog of Apathy Has Settled Over the Region
[POMP BAY, USA] - A thick, flavorless fog of apathy has stalled over kitchens across the nation, leaving millions stranded in what experts are calling “an unprecedented supper standoff.” Expected to linger until someone other than your wife figures out what’s for supper.
By The Pompous Post2 months ago in Humor
🪦 OBITUARY: “The One Houseplant You Overwatered Has Tragically Drowned.”
There are moments in life that test the strength of the human soul. A flat tire. A Wi-Fi outage. A Monday morning. And then… there is this... At precisely 2:47 p.m. on a sunny Tuesday, tragedy struck in Apartment 3B when Fiddleleaf Figgy Smalls, a once-vibrant houseplant of questionable resilience, was found slumped over in its pot. Waterlogged, leaf-limp, and spiritually soggy.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
“A Bladder Too Bold: The Economics of Not Getting Up During a Movie”
Somewhere in the soft glow of the theater, just after the previews and before the plot makes any sense, a small rumble echoes deep within. Not from the speakers. Not from your neighbor with the family-size bag of Twizzlers. No, this is an internal tremor; the unmistakable whisper of your bladder.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
Put the Script Down, Grandpa: When Hollywood Just Won’t Let the Action Heroes Retire
There comes a point in every action hero’s career when it’s time to trade in the rocket launcher for a recliner. Unfortunately, Hollywood seems to have collectively agreed that point is never. The result? A new cinematic age where once-mighty legends are wheeled out like beloved relics, forced to roundhouse kick villains while praying their hip replacements hold up.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
The Illusion of Control (Now With 87% More Button-Pushing)
There’s a primal thrill in pressing a button. That tiny click feels like a handshake with destiny. A promise that the universe will move at your command. You jab that elevator “close door” button like you’re launching Apollo 13. You stab at the crosswalk “walk” button like Moses parting traffic. And for a glorious half-second, you believe you’ve changed something.... Spoiler Alert: you haven’t.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
OBITUARY: The Last Person on Earth Who Knew How to Program a VCR Has Passed, Taking the Secret of Blinking 12:00 With Them
It is with heavy hearts and perpetually blinking appliances that we announce the passing of Gerald “Gerry” Thompson, age 86; the last known human capable of programming a VCR. With him goes the final ember of an ancient and mysterious craft, one that future civilizations will one day misinterpret as sorcery.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
BREAKING: Local Man Successfully Parallel Parks on First Try, Immediately Vaporizes in Blaze of Glory
The Event That Shook Humanity It began like any other Thursday morning. The sun rose, coffee brewed, and traffic clotted itself into the arteries of the city. Yet on a quiet downtown street, history unfolded in a way no one could have anticipated.
By The Pompous Post3 months ago in Humor
HISTORICAL DEEP DIVE: Archaeologists Conclude the Ancient Civilization That Built Stonehenge Was Just Very Bad at Jenga
For centuries, scholars, mystics, and travel bloggers have debated the origins of Stonehenge. Was it a calendar? A sacred site? A giant rock-based IKEA project missing half the instructions?
By The Pompous Post4 months ago in Humor
How to Achieve Inner Peace by Ignoring All Your Problems (and Maybe Faking Your Own Death)
Are you tired of stress? Exhausted by the relentless grind of responsibility, bills, and that one coworker who insists on “circle-back” meetings about nothing? You’re not alone... Millions of people struggle daily with the crushing weight of reality.
By The Pompous Post4 months ago in Humor
