The Pompous Post
Bio
Welcome to The Pompous Post.... We specialize in weaponized wit, tactful tastelessness, and unapologetic satire! Think of us as a rogue media outlet powered by caffeine, absurdism, and the relentless pursuit to make sense from nonsense.
Stories (53)
Filter by community
Loyalty Cards, Punch Cards, and Other Ways I’ve Sold My Soul for a Free Smoothie...
Dear Consumer of Questionable Judgment and Excellent Taste... At some point in modern history, we collectively decided that our eternal devotion could be purchased for the low, low price of one free coffee after ten visits. And like moths to a punch-card-shaped flame, we said, “Yes. Take my loyalty. Take my email. Take my identity. I want that medium iced latte with oat milk and the crushing weight of consumer debt.”
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
Cold Pizza, Hot Opinions: A Field Guide to Foods That Slap (or Betray) the Next Day
Greetings, fellow fridge-raiders! 🍕🥡 At some point, we all stand in front of our refrigerator in the dim light of 2:14 a.m., staring at a Tupperware container like it’s a treasure chest of questionable decisions. Inside could be divine second-day magic… or culinary treason that smells like regret and broken dreams.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
BREAKING NEWS: Aliens Land on Earth, Discover Reality TV and Top 40 Music, Immediately Leave Forever
🚨 THIS JUST IN: At approximately 2:43 p.m. Eastern Standard Time, a gleaming alien mothership entered Earth’s atmosphere with peaceful intent, a message of hope, and several thousand years of interstellar wisdom. But by 2:58 p.m., it had already left... Why you ask?
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
BREAKING NEWS: Florida Man Declares Independence from HOA, Crowns Himself Emperor of His Cul-De-Sac
Palm Breeze Estates, FL — A sleepy suburban neighborhood erupted into chaos Tuesday, after local resident Steve “Don’t Tread on My Lawn” Harkins declared independence from the Palm Breeze Homeowners Association and crowned himself Emperor of the Cul-de-Sac.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
THE UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING (AND SO ARE YOUR PANTS)
WHEN THE COSMOS MEETS CARBS Scientists tell us the universe is expanding at an accelerating rate, fueled by mysterious forces like dark energy. And honestly? I would have to agree... Except in my case, the mysterious force is extra queso and that ill-advised third chimichanga. Cosmic inflation, they call it. Cute. Meanwhile, my jeans are experiencing catastrophic waistband failure, and astronomers aren’t writing papers about that. Forget black holes; the real singularity is your belly button after you polish off a family-size nacho platter “because it was on special.”
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
The Global Crisis of Unmatched Tupperware Lids
Chapter 1: The Drawer of Shame It starts innocently enough. A single Rubbermaid set. Maybe two, because hey, meal prep is in vogue and you have aspirations. But fast forward three years and your kitchen drawer is no longer a drawer... it’s The Bermuda Triangle of Domesticity. You open it, praying to find a matching set, only to be greeted by the mocking laughter of 43 lids and a lone, lidless bowl that looks at you like a Dickensian orphan: “Please sir… may I store some soup?”
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Why Crocs Are the Official Footwear of the Apocalypse
INTRO: THE END IS NIGH… AND IT’S COMFY When the four horsemen ride into town, you can bet they won’t be rocking Yeezys. When Wi-Fi dies, Starbucks becomes a post-apocalyptic war zone, and Amazon Prime falls like the Roman Empire, one shoe will rise from the ashes like a rubber Phoenix: Crocs.
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
How Government Spending Works… Without Numbers
Welcome to the magical land of government spending, where math is a myth, accountability is an endangered species, and the national debt is just a number we chant before sacrificing logic to the gods of lobbying. If you've ever wondered how your tax dollars are used, abused, or lost behind a vending machine at the Pentagon, then this guide is for you!
By The Pompous Post6 months ago in Humor
Manifesting a Better Life Using Only Expired Condiments and Positive Vibes
🌈 Welcome, seeker of shelf-stable enlightenment. You’ve tried it all: Vision boards. Journaling. Screaming into a crystal shaped like Gwyneth Paltrow. And yet… your life remains one existential pothole away from a full spiritual blowout. Well, what if I told you that the answer to your dreams isn’t in a self-help book or a TikTok tarot card? It’s in your fridge... In the door... Behind the pickles. Lurking with mysterious crust around the cap…
By The Pompous Post7 months ago in Humor
