The Annual Airing of Christmas Grievances

I want to begin by saying… very clearly, very calmly, that I have nothing against Christmas.

I like Christmas.

I enjoy the idea of Christmas.

I support Christmas in theory, much like I support anything you can cook in the oven, eating salads once in a while ‘for ruffage’, and the concept of a using your imagination when all else fails.

What I am less enthusiastic about is what Christmas has become. Which at this point, feels less like a holiday and more like a season-long corporate endurance test. Actively administered by a committee of retailers, streaming services, and one woman named Mariah who simply will not leave us alone.

This is not an attack mind you!

This is an observation. A calm one. Made through slightly gritted teeth and festive smirk.

When Exactly Did Christmas Start?

This is my first grievance.

Because I distinctly remember Christmas beginning after Thanksgiving.

You ate turkey, you complained about the turkey, and then… and only then, did Christmas slowly buzz into the room, like a clown riding one of those miniature bicycles.

Now?

Now Christmas arrives mid-October, kicks the door open, and immediately asks why you haven’t decorated yet!?

You walk into a store looking for socks and suddenly you’re surrounded by ornaments, garland, and a Bluetooth-enabled Santa that appears to twerking at you.

Someone always says, “Well, it’s basically Christmas already.” No… no its not. It is October. There are leaves on the ground and a pumpkin that has not yet fulfilled its destiny.

Christmas is no longer a holiday. Its a holiday ambush.

The Gift Arms Race

Let’s talk about gifts.

Once upon a time, gifts were:

• modest
• thoughtful
• wrapped in paper that tore too easily

Now they are:

• strategic
• emotionally loaded
• reviewed internally by the recipient like a Yelp experience

Gifts are no longer gifts.

They are statements.

Everyone insists:

“Oh… you didn’t have to get me anything.”

Which is a lie told exclusively by people who are actively judging the bag, wrapping and why it doesn’t rattle a little.

There is always one person who seems to ruin everything.

This person gets:

• something handmade
• something framed
• something that suggests effort

And now we’re all screwed.

Because now Christmas has become an arms race of sincerity, and the only way out is bankruptcy or a very convincing suicide note.

Every year we all say:

“Next year, we’re keeping it simple.”

No one has ever meant this. Not once.

It is the Christmas version of “I’ll start Monday.” Or a New Years resolution, knowing you will be giving it up two weeks in.

Decorations: A Study in Silent Catharsis

Decorating used to be fun.

Now it feels like a performance review conducted by neighbors who don’t speak to you but know exactly how much effort you put in.

Outdoor lights are no longer decorative. They are territorial markers. Projectors; for those who find it too taxing to set up actual lights on the home. LEDs’; for those that are consumer conscience, and don’t want to suck down the power grid with the pinecone sized lights from days gone.

There is always one house that has:

• lights synchronized to music
• an inflatable Santa doing something unnecessary
• enough wattage to guide ships to shore

You are not competing with them. You never wanted to compete with them. But now you are aware that you are losing. And really, who cares?

Inside the house, things are no better. There is one string of lights that does not work.

You test it.

You replace the fuse.

You test it again.

Nothing. At some point, you accept that this string is more symbolic than anything. It exists to remind you that perfection is a myth and you should always strive for mediocrity. That way, you are always pleasantly surprised!

Food: The Long March Toward Chaos

Christmas food planning begins with confidence.

You say:

“We’ll keep it light and easy this year.”

You will not…

Somehow the menu expands to include:

• a dish no one requested
• a dish no one eats
• a dish that must exist for reasons lost to time

Cooking timelines are discussed with military seriousness and followed by no one. Someone always says:

“We’ll eat when it’s ready.”

Which translates to:

“Time has lost all meaning.”

People hover. People snack. People pretend they’re not hungry while clearly eating cheese directly from the fridge and the Lays bag looks like it has PTSD.

Everything is “almost done” for two hours. We don’t make the rules, we just enjoy pointing them out. It is what it is…

Family: A Festive Minefield

Christmas is about togetherness. And nothing brings people together like carefully avoiding certain topics while accidentally stepping on all of them anyway. This all happens depending on the amount of alcohol consumed.

Someone brings up something “interesting they read.”

Someone else suddenly needs to “check on something.”

A third person insists everything is fine.

It is never fine. But we persist. Because Christmas is not about harmony, hearth and home. It’s about showing up anyway. So you can brag or gas-light your other siblings about why they didn’t attend??

A Personal Rebellion

This year, I did something radical. .. I decorated.

But instead of buying things, I wrote words. I have been told many a time to “use my words” when communicating and this year I did just that.

“Wreath.”

“Mistletoe.”

“Nutcracker.”

“Pinecones.”

“Yule Log.”

I taped them where the items would normally go, or propped them up precariously in place. And you know what? Everyone knew exactly what they were. Because Christmas is not the object, it’s the idea. The rest is packaging.

The Truth We Refuse to Say

Christmas has become loud.

Over-produced.

Over-scheduled.

Over-sold.

And yet… We keep doing it. Because buried under the nonsense, the pressure, the receipts, and the blinking lights… There is still something there.

Something small.

Something human.

Something worth defending.

Even if we complain the entire time. We need to hand down our loathing and our celebration in equal measure to our children. Its all about balance my friend…

Closing Grievance (And Truce)

So yes, Christmas has gone too far.

It starts too early.

Costs too much.

And expects too much.

Kind of like a Jehovah Witness wrapped in tinsel! (that was a joke, please don’t make me hide behind my couch again)

But we’ll still do it. We’ll still say “Next year will be simpler”, or easier, or more festive or whatever.

We’ll still overcook something because we got caught up playing with the grandkids.

We’ll still buy one unnecessary gift, for the one family member that never shows up.

Because somehow… it still works. So decorate or don’t… Have a party at your house this time, or don’t. If you want to have one room in your home, dedicated to the celebration all year long?? DO IT!! It’s yours to do with as you please. And there in lies the gift of Christmas. It belongs to all of us to use in our own ways. Just keep the spirit alive with a wink, a nod, a drunken uncle and an animal dragging it’s butt on the floor. And that’s my final grievance.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

I guess… 😉