Finding a Needle in a Stack of Needles...

I. PILGRIMS OF THE WRONG PHRASES

Idioms are supposed to help us communicate. They’re meant to give us little nuggets of clarity. Poetic shorthand. Verbal seasoning. Linguistic sprinkles.

But modern society; and I cannot emphasize this enough, has NO IDEA how to use them... None.

Every day, thousands of fully-grown adults wake up, put on shoes, go to work, and confidently say things like:

• “Well, hindsight is 50/50.”
• “We’ll jump off that bridge when we get to it.”
• “It’s not rocket surgery, sweetheart.”

…and NO ONE STOPS THEM.

No one says: “Excuse me, sir, but that sentence was a war crime.” We just let them roam freely across the countryside. In public. Holding jobs. Raising children. Driving cars with metal bumpers.

And the worst part? They say it with TOTAL confidence. Like those friends that have been singing the wrong song lyrics since 1985! Which brings me to the entire thesis of this article. Finding someone who uses idioms correctly is like finding a needle… in a stack of needles.

Because EVERYONE is misquoting them. All the time. Everywhere. It’s chaos out there...

II. THE MOMENT I REALIZED IDIOMS WERE DYING A SLOW PAINFUL DEATH

I was standing behind a man at the grocery store who attempted to encourage the cashier by saying: “Well, when life gives you melons, make lemonade.” Melons? Sigh... melons. I tried to let it go. I really did but my brain folded in half like a cheap lawn chair. Because if we're being completely honest, life giving you melons is not a hardship. Lemonade is not made of melons. And the poor cashier looked like a hostage.

That’s when I thought, people don’t just misuse idioms, they annihilate them. And once you notice it? You HEAR. IT. EVERYWHERE!

III. A COLLECTION OF IDIOM CATASTROPHES I HAVE PERSONALLY WITNESSED

Below is a list of REAL idiom massacres that I have heard with my own ears... Brace yourself.

❌ “We’re not out of the blue yet.”

Out of the woods, buddy. Out of the blue is where you pulled that idiom.

❌ “It’s a doggy-dog world.”

What world is this?? What furry apocalypse are we referencing??

❌ “That’s water under the fridge.”

No, that’s a plumbing issue. Call someone... quickly!

❌ “I’m busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of recking chairs.”

Recking... RECKING!!?? (realizing humanity is doomed)

❌ “We’ll burn that bridge when we get there.”

Are you… confessing to arson? Is this a threat? Or maybe your idea of a good time?

❌ “He’s not the brightest crayon in the chandelier.”

Neither are you sir… just an absolute masterpiece of wrongness.

❌ “The ball is in your yard now.”

Or is it on the roof? Or is it in the pool? We can't decide WHERE the ball is...

❌ “Let’s not count our chickens before they hatch.”

Ma’am you clearly don't understand how eggs work. And for that, you should be flogged with a rubber chicken.

❌ “Don’t put all your chickens in one basket.”

Here we go with the chickens again! That literally sounds like something from the backwoods of 1826. Can you picture a pre-teen trying to wrangle the chickens into the basket? We sure can...

❌ “A rolling stone gathers no… dust!”

Close, but no cigar... Sounds like someone's grey matter inside their cranium has a little dust on it. Might want to brush that off and use it once in a while ehh??

IV. THE CONFIDENCE OF THE INCORRECT

What truly amazes me is the confidence involved. These people aren’t guessing. They’re not hesitant. They’re not thinking: “Hmm... that sounds a little... off! Maybe I should double-check this old saying before announcing it publicly.”

Nope... They launch these idiom catastrophes into the world with the unwavering certainty of a toddler wearing a Batman cape.

They proclaim things like, “You know what they say... A bird in the hand… is better than a bush!”

No sir... No one says that. No one has EVER said that. But he said it like he invented philosophy. Where do these masters of the English language sleep at night? Under cozy rocks?

V. HOW WRONG IDIOMS DESTROY COMMUNICATION

Let’s say you're talking to a coworker, and they try to reassure you by uttering this nonsense. “Don’t worry, it’s just a moo point.” A moo point? Like a cow’s opinion? Which, ironically, is still technically correct I guess... But the execution is just wrong in so many ways.

Suddenly you're thinking:

• Do cows have opinions?
• Is the project still late?
• Should I quit my job?
• Why am I sweating?

Your brain enters linguistic fight-or-flight, not because you’re confused, but because the universe is. Wrong idioms derail conversations, relationships, careers, marriages, and possibly the climate.

VI. THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEM WORSE

There are several species of idiom abusers. You’ll recognize them immediately.

1. The Close-Enougher

Believes idioms are vague suggestions. Says things like,

• “Close, but no banana.”
• “Straight from the camel’s mouth.”
• “Kill two birds with… uh… a lucky shot?”

2. The Overconfident Disaster

Will NEVER admit they said it wrong. You correct them gently, and they go, “Nuh-uh. That’s how my grandma said it.” Your grandma was wrong, bro. And she smells weird.

3. The Inspirational Trainwreck

These individuals try to sound wise, but end up sounding like they had a stroke.

• “Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you’ll land in a ditch.”
• “Every cloud has an outline.”
• “A watched pot never… um… cooks? Burns? Explodes?”

4. The DIY Philosopher

Creates new idioms ON THE SPOT. Funny enough, they end up making sense which is even more baffling.

• “If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, return it for store credit.”
• “Not all who wander are… really wandering.”
• “A friend in need is… needy.”

5. The Loud and Incorrect

Will shout a wrong idiom at a child, a stranger, a cat... doesn’t matter. Example I heard in a Walmart just the other day. “Well, butter me sideways and call me Wednesday!” Wait WHAT?? No... Absolutely not! That's disgusting...

VII. THE FEDERAL IDIOM CORRECTION BUREAU (FICB)

An agency that should exist. I propose a new government division dedicated solely to:

• monitoring idiom misuse
• investigating linguistic crimes
• issuing citations
• removing Facebook posting privileges

Each FICB agent would carry a clipboard, a red pen and the facial expression of a disappointed librarian. Say someone decides to utter this in front of them, “Well, it takes two to… tangle?”

FICB agents SWAT into the room, break through windows, and slap a $75 fine on the nearest table. Society would improve immediately. Or at the very least, that person might be scared straight for the evening.

VIII. WHY “A NEEDLE IN A STACK OF NEEDLES” IS THE PERFECT METAPHOR

Because THAT is what it feels like trying to find someone who uses idioms correctly. Everyone thinks they know how idioms work. Everyone thinks they remember the phrase. Everyone thinks they’re quoting it right, but in reality? It’s ALL needles... Needles everywhere. 100% needle content. No hay. No clarity. No safe zone.

Just pain, chaos, and someone confidently exclaiming, “Well, you know what they say, never judge a book by the… fonts?” Oh boy...

IX. THE SAD PART? SOMETIMES THE WRONG IDIOM… IS KIND OF BETTER.

Let’s be honest... “Mistakes were made” versions of idioms are sometimes funnier and weirdly profound. Like these gems:

• “The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” (This one is actually brilliant.)
• “You can lead a horse to water but if he ain’t thirsty, he ain’t drinkin’.” (Accurate, actually.)
• “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it IS broke, call somebody.” (A little on the nose but a relatable update.)
• “Don’t beat around the broccoli.” (Healthier than bushes.)

There’s accidental charm in these linguistic disasters, wouldn't you agree? Feel free to practice on your own and see what you come up with!

X. A FIELD GUIDE TO FIXING IDIOMS (SORT OF)

If you’re unsure whether you’re using an idiom correctly, try the following test. Ask yourself, “Does what I said make ANY sense?” If not, congratulations... you’ve probably created a new idiom. Use it proudly. Spread it recklessly. Let chaos reign! It's not really what you said, but how you say it. If you utter nonsense with enough confidence, someone is sure to believe it.

XI. A TENDER, UNNECESSARY EMOTIONAL ENDING

Idioms aren’t perfect. They’re messy inheritance from generations before us. Little verbal time capsules and fragments of history. And even if we break them… even if we twist them… even if we turn them into absolute nonsense, there’s something kind of beautiful in that.

Language evolves. People are weird. Idioms get mangled. And sometimes... SOMETIMES... the wrong way is funnier. So if you accidentally say something along the lines of:

• “It is what it isn’t.”
• “Every dog has a… bone collection.”
• “There’s more than one way to skin a potato.”

Don’t stress. Because in a world full of haystacks, somebody is bound to be holding a needle. Or not... And honestly? I wouldn’t have it any other way!