THINGS I’VE SAID TO MY DOG THAT SHOULD’VE GOTTEN ME COMMITTED

I. A SPIRITUAL CONFESSION BEFORE WE BEGIN

If you have ever owned a dog, even for eleven minutes, you have spoken to them like they are:

• a licensed therapist
• your emotional sponsor
• a Victorian-era child recovering from illness
• or a tiny, judgmental roommate who refuses to pay rent

And your dog? He just sits there... Blinking. Not understanding a single syllable… but somehow understanding EVERYTHING. This is the magic and madness of dog ownership. And today, we are exposing it.

II. STATEMENT OF THE COURT: I TALK TO MY DOG LIKE HE’S A PERSON.

Not just “a person.” A sentient, bilingual, morally superior being. Here are actual things I have said to my dog. Things that would get a human psychiatrist to slowly close their clipboard and whisper, “Well... we’re doubling your sessions.”

III. EXHIBIT A: OVERLY DRAMATIC APOLOGIES

These are GUARANTEED to get a reaction. We bump into our dogs, BARELY, and instantly transform into EMTs responding to a workplace accident.

Actual phrases include:

❌ “OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY!??

❌ I DIDN’T SEE YOU!

❌ ARE YOU HURT!?

❌ ARE YOUR FEELINGS HURT!?”

The dog is fine. It didn’t even notice. It's now sniffing a corner of the wall for no apparent reason.

Here is some more lunacy:

❌ “I didn’t mean to step on your floofy little paw!”

Floofy... FLOOFY? This is not the vocabulary of a stable adult.

❌ “Please don’t hate me. I swear I love you more than life itself.”

It bumped into your leg. Its not filing for emotional damages and filing for a restraining order. Calm down...

IV. EXHIBIT B: ASKING QUESTIONS THEY CANNOT ANSWER

We all do this. We KNOW they can’t respond. We KNOW they don’t speak English. And yet we ask:

❌ “Why are you like this?”

(Dog tilts head. You melt instantly.)

❌ “What do you want? Use your words.”

No... Use... Your... Words. This is a dog, not a congressional witness.

❌ “Do you ever think about the universe?”

Absolutely not. He was thinking about sniffing butts and eating those crumbs under the tv tray.

❌ “Are you proud of me?”

Why are we seeking validation from a creature who once tried to eat a bee?

V. EXHIBIT C: THE VOICE. YOU KNOW THE ONE.

The baby voice. The squeaky voice. The “if my ancestors heard me talk like this they’d disown me” voice. This voice ONLY comes out around dogs. The sentences are even worse...

❌ “Who’s da smol fluffy prince of snuggles?”

Not okay... Get some self respect.

❌ “Who wuvs his mama? WHO WUVS HIS MAMA!? YOU DOOOO!”

You are a grown adult. With responsibilities. Please behave.

❌ “Let me kiss your widdle bitty head.”

Your honor… we plead insanity.

VI. EXHIBIT D: SAYING THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER SAY TO A HUMAN

We tell our dogs more ridiculous things like:

❌ “I would kill for you.”

Bold statement. Totally unnecessary. Dog is just sitting there licking their privates.

❌ “I would die for you.”

Said while giving them a piece of chicken. Might want to reflect on that.

❌ “I would quit my job and live in the woods if you asked me to.”

Buddy, he can’t even ask to go outside. Chill!

❌ “If anyone ever hurt you I would burn their house down.”

This sentence puts you on several federal lists. Not to mention, you might want to double up on the Prozac.

VII. EXHIBIT E: HYPOCRITICAL STATEMENTS THAT MAKE NO SENSE

❌ “Stop barking, I’m on the phone!”

You are literally on the phone telling someone how cute your dog is. What do you expect?

❌ “Don’t look at me while I’m eating. It’s weird.”

Ummm… YOU stare at HIM while HE eats. Every... Single... Meal.

❌ “You can’t have this food, it’s not good for you... here, have this fry.”

Your honor… I have no defense. I would like to plead guilty now.

VIII. EXHIBIT F: CONVERSATIONS THAT SOUND LIKE BREAKUPS

Sometimes we talk to our dogs like we’re in the middle of a tense emotional standoff.

❌ “We talked about this.”

No you didn’t. You talked about this, I just stared at the bird through the window.

❌ “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you.”

It literally doesn’t know it’s walking.

❌ “Why are you being like this today?”

Because he’s a dog, Greg. A DOG!

❌ “I don’t deserve you.”

Dramatic much? Again... Prozac?

IX. EXHIBIT G: NEGOTIATIONS WITH A CREATURE WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND CONTRACT LAW

❌ “If you stop barking, I’ll give you a treat.”

That’s bribery and the dog didn't understand anything other than the word "treat".

❌ “Please don’t poop there. I’m begging you.”

You are bargaining with a biological necessity. Do better...

❌ “We’re going home after this, I promise.”

Promise? TO A DOG?? You want to promise something? How about no bath for the next week.

❌ “If you do this ONE thing for me, we’ll go to the park.”

This is not a hostage negotiation.

X. EXHIBIT H: TALKING TO THEM LIKE THEY’RE A ROOMMATE WHO NEVER DOES CHORES

❌ “You do NOTHING around this house.”

He literally guards you from ghosts with his whole chest. Its a thing, look it up!

❌ “You didn’t pay rent again.”

He has no pockets. Although the dog might want to consider investing in a carpet cleaner. You can only drag your butt across the carpet so many times...

❌ “I can’t clean up after you AND myself.”

Ma’am you adopted him. That was the deal. Also, no opposable thumbs.

XI. EXHIBIT I: TALKING TO THEM LIKE THEY’RE A BABY

You know this one. It gets out of hand FAST.

❌ “WHO’S MY POOKY-SNOOT?”

FBI files this as “disturbing utterance.”

❌ “Look at your little feetsies!”

He has PAWS... PAWS.

❌ “Let me boop the snoot!”

We are devolving as a species. (slaps forehead)

XII. EXHIBIT J: TALKING TO THEM LIKE THEY’RE A WISE OLD SAGE

We say profound things to dogs who cannot fathom our emotional depth.

❌ “Sometimes I worry I’m not enough.”

❌ “Do you ever feel like you're just… existing?”

❌ “Life moves fast, buddy. Hold onto the good stuff.”

Meanwhile the dog is thinking:

“Ball???”

"Ball???"

"SQUIRREL!!"

XIII. EXHIBIT K: THE ABSOLUTE LOW POINT

(You know what it is)

❌ “Who’s a good boy?”

We ask them. They know the question. They KNOW it’s them. But they still light up like it’s the first time they’ve ever heard it.

And that… that right there……is why we keep doing it.

XIV. A SOFT, EMOTIONAL, UNNECESSARY ENDING

Here’s the truth we pretend isn’t true. We don’t talk to dogs like this because we’re insane. (Although… there’s evidence.) We do it because they don’t judge. They don’t correct our grammar or roll their eyes. They don’t betray us or misquote idioms. They sit with us, they listen and they stay. No matter how you look, it matters not to them.

Even when we talk absolute nonsense. Dogs are the purest creatures in existence. So if YOU have ever said:

• “You’re my whole heart.”
• “I’d take a bullet for you.”
• “I love you more than people.”

Congratulations... You’re normal. Possibly a little unstable, but who isn't?

And your dog? They wouldn’t have it any other way...