America’s Least Useful Innovations...

Innovation is the backbone of America. Not the useful kind... no, the other kind. The kind born in windowless conference rooms. The kind introduced with a slide deck. The kind that solves problems nobody has, while quietly creating several new ones.

Every year, millions of dollars are spent developing products, services, and “solutions” that make you wonder not who asked for this, but how many people nodded along before it happened.

Somewhere, right now, someone is being promoted for inventing something that makes life worse in a way that is difficult to articulate.

This is their story...

The Smart Version of the Thing That Already Worked

Let’s begin with the most common offender, 'the smart upgrade'.

Someone looked at a perfectly functional object; a doorbell, a refrigerator, a toaster, a light switch, and said, “What if this required an app?”

Suddenly:

• Your doorbell needs Wi-Fi
• Your fridge has opinions
• Your toaster needs a firmware update
• And nothing works during a power outage

You no longer use the product. You manage a relationship with it. The original object had one job.

The new version has seventeen features, six of which are discontinued, three of which conflict with each other, and one that emails you at 3 a.m. asking if you’re “still enjoying the experience.”

Someone absolutely got promoted for this and we can't take it anymore.

The Subscription Nobody Wanted

At some point, a person in a meeting realized something terrifying:

“What if… we charged people forever?”

Thus was born the subscription model for things that should cost money once. Now you can subscribe to:

1. Seat warmers
2. Software you already bought
3. Basic functionality
4. Peace of mind

You don’t own the product. You lease access to its mood. Miss a payment? Then suddenly:

• Your car is cold
• Your document is locked
• Your printer refuses to acknowledge your authority

This isn’t innovation. It’s ransom with branding. But it is recurring revenue and that's all the matters to the powers that be.

Promotion secured!

The Corporate Wellness Solution That Made Everyone Worse

Corporate America cares deeply about your well-being. So deeply, in fact, that it hired a consulting firm to prove it. Thus emerged wellness initiatives featuring:

• Mandatory mindfulness
• Optional yoga at lunch (attendance tracked)
• Stress-management emails sent during peak stress
• A meditation app you’re reminded to use by the same system causing the anxiety

Nothing relaxes employees like being told to relax. You are burned out, underpaid, and exhausted. But don’t worry... somewhere there’s a webinar with your name on it. Someone presented this as “culture.” Someone else approved the budget. Someone else updated their résumé.

The Kitchen Gadget That Replaced a Spoon

Every decade introduces a new kitchen innovation that promises to revolutionize cooking. What it actually does is:

• Take up space
• Require cleaning
• Perform a task previously handled by your hands

Behold the device that:

• Peels bananas
• Separates eggs (aggressively)
• Slices avocados into shapes you did not request
• Opens jars you were already opening

The packaging says:

“As Seen on TV!”

Which is not an endorsement... Its a warning. Somewhere, an inventor said, “What if forks… but worse?” And somebody thought that was a great idea.

The App That Could Have Been a Button

There exists an entire category of innovation dedicated to turning simple actions into digital journeys.

Want to:

• Turn on a light?
• Unlock a door?
• Order food?

Excellent. First, log in...

Now:

1. Accept updated terms
2. Verify your identity
3. Confirm your location
4. Enable notifications
5. Reset your password

The original button worked instantly. The app requires commitment. But the app generates data. And data generates PowerPoint. And PowerPoint generates promotions. See the pattern emerging?

The Office Tool That Created More Work

Corporate productivity tools have a fascinating talent. They increase productivity by adding steps. Lots of steps! What once took one email now requires:

• A task
• A tag
• A channel
• A follow-up
• A meeting to discuss why the task isn’t complete

Everyone is now collaborating, which is corporate for confused together. The tool promises alignment. What it delivers is notifications. And yet, every year, a new one launches.

Each one is:

• More intuitive
• More integrated
• More impossible to escape

The person who chose it left the company six months ago. Promoted elsewhere.

The Feature Nobody Uses (But Everyone Had to Build)

Every product has at least one feature that exists solely because someone insisted. You know the one...

It was added because

• A competitor had it
• A focus group mentioned it once
• A vice president thought it was “cool”

Now it sits unused. Quiet... Ignored. Occasionally referenced in meetings. And of course, removing it is impossible because:

• Someone’s bonus depends on it
• Someone once fought for it
• Someone needs it on their slide

This feature is not dead, it is politically alive and well, waiting to take over.

The Rebrand That Changed Nothing

Every so often, a company decides the real problem isn’t the product. It’s, "the vibe."

So they change the logo with a new color palette. Replace long words with shorter words and add a mission statement. Nothing else changes. The service is the same. The prices are higher. The emails are friendlier. You are told to be excited. Someone has already referred to this as “bold." Another employee advises you to “lean into it.” Someone else got promoted for an idea that wasn't theirs. Perfect!

The Innovation That Solved the Wrong Problem Perfectly

This is the most dangerous kind. An innovation that works exactly as designed, is incredibly efficient and should never have existed. It addresses a problem so niche, so specific, that its very existence raises questions and eyebrows.

You think to yourself... “This is impressive… but why?” The answer is always the same. Because someone could. And because someone needed a win before Q4.

Why This Keeps Happening

It’s easy to laugh, but there’s a reason these innovations thrive. They are easy to measure, easy to pitch and even easier to justify. Real improvements are quiet. They don’t make headlines. They don’t come with demos.

Useless innovations are loud. They have names that are tacky and on the nose. They have launch events that happen on an infomercial at 3am...

The Final Innovation

Somewhere, right now, a team is building:

• A product nobody needs
• With a problem nobody mentioned
• Using a framework nobody understands

They are confident...a little too confident. They are aligned and iterating.

And in six months it will be quietly discontinued. Or quietly mandatory and blamed on “market conditions”. But one thing is certain... Someone will get promoted and it won't be you.

In Conclusion

Innovation isn’t about usefulness anymore.

It’s about optics. Momentum. And having something to point at during reviews. So the next time you encounter a product that makes you say,

“Who approved this?”

Just remember... They didn’t just approve it. They are living the dream!