Kimmiekins4
Bio
Here to share my thoughts, hopes, and dreams. Telling stories of my navigation through anxiety, depression and alcohol use. I am also working on my first novel, and want to share it on here with all of you as well!
Stories (75)
Filter by community
Holidays don't always feel Magical
As the holiday season is under full swing I just wanted to take the time to write this blog. My favorite holiday is Christmas, but not ever Christmas or holiday season has felt magical to me. If you're feeling the same way you aren't alone. I also feel with the state of the world currently, this year might feel extra heavy. Some have also experienced loss of different compacities during the holidays, adding another layer to holidays not feeling quite so magical. For me personally it's mixture of so many things, from it being my grandmas birthday who is no longer here, to being broken up with on her birthday. All of that aside I feel like there is so much expectations put on holidays. Seeing people getting engaged, commercials showing happy couples and families. Making it feel like the holidays can only feel magical because of these things. While that is further from the truth, it's easy to get caught up in that narrative.
By Kimmiekins4about a month ago in Journal
11:11 Make a Wish. Top Story - November 2025.
I am a huge believer in angel numbers, signs from the universe etc. About three years ago I really started paying more attention to them, and the signs they were trying to give me. Whenever I would see 11:11 even growing I always made a wish. Over the years I've had many wishes from finding love, to being a model, well know writer the list goes on. These last few months though my greatest wish is to love myself, and become a better version of myself everyday. It's not easy, somedays it feels easier to just fall back into the old me where I am comfortable. Even though I know that version of me no longer suits my life. It almost feels like breaking up with someone you've been in a relationship long term. That version of me is someone I've carried with me for at least 2 decades at this point, and I find it hard to just let her go sometimes.
By Kimmiekins42 months ago in Confessions
Sober October
Sober October, No Bender November, Dry December, the list goes on. I've been writing on Vocal for almost FIVE years now, one of the first entries I shared was my battle trying to become sober from alcohol (55 days sober). I just went back and re-read some of that entry for the first time in 5 years and it breaks my heart. I wish I could go and give my past self a hug. let her know that things are about to get real rough for legit the next 5 years but it will all work out. I want to say it was only a couple days after I posted the blog my dad came over and I drank. Just like that I was back to my old ways, thinking I will be fine. The following year I ended up getting into a very toxic situation/relationship, lost my apartment, moved back in with my dad, then moved 3 hours away to my moms. I was coping with all of this by drinking almost everyday. Except for when I ended up in the hospital due to my gallbladder/blocked bile duct which is a story for another day. Even that experience only held me back from drinking momentarily even though I had doctors warning me to stop. Looking back at all my writing, and my experiences I knew what was happening and I knew the problem. I just wouldn't accept that alcohol wasn't the root cause of my anxiety it was just adding fuel to the fire. I could write out that I knew it was but internally my brain was like if we cut it out all of this will go away. It helped, but not fully. Then when it wasn't helping, I would just go back to drinking because I knew it would shut off the thoughts and feelings temporarily and then i would be right back the the vicious never ending cycle. Everyone I grew up around dealt with their problems with alcohol so it's what I knew. It became my cruch, and my best friend. It may sound sad or crazy to someone that has never been through this before but this is me being honest. I really hope if you've never been through it you never have to, especially alcohol. It's n0t talked about enough how addictive it is, but also a hard one to quit do to how socially acceptable it is.
By Kimmiekins42 months ago in Journal
Ghost of You. Top Story - October 2025.
My life before Jaden was ordinary, almost as if I was living in grey. I noticed the color around me but it all seemed very dull. The night I met Jaden at concert he preformed at my life felt like it exploded in color and happiness, I had never felt a love like I had with him. My life after Jaden's accident became much darker than before I had met him. I thought we had forever, but time was a thief. I thought I had lost him until I laid down to take a nap, and as i drifted off to sleep I saw Jaden sitting next to me on the balcony of our hotel room in Hawaii sipping on coffee and smiling as he looked out at the sunrise. That was the day I discovered our love continued on in a parallel universe.
By Kimmiekins43 months ago in Fiction
Agoraphobia, Depression & Anxiety.
Life feels strange sometimes doesn't it? One minute you feel great, life feels like there endless possibilities, wonder, and excitement. Then it's like you wake up one day and it's as if your entire world has spun upside down. What once was wonder and excitement has turned into dread and worry. Things you once loved have suddenly become things that you fear the most. If this is something that you haven't experienced I am envious but so greatful for you, I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
By Kimmiekins43 months ago in Journal
Our love lives on in a Parallel Universe.. Top Story - September 2025.
How lovely would it be to have the opportunity to step into a parallel universe? One that gives you the happy ending you wish for, instead of having to accept the fate of the real world? In "Write me for You", Tillie Cole gives us both perspectives, and both will have you in tears. I personally loved the way this book was written, and it has given me a lot of inspiration for my own book that I am working on. Enough of my rambling for a moment and let me give you the book description, and another one of my favorite quotes!
By Kimmiekins44 months ago in BookClub
Tomorrow is My Birthday
Hi everyone! I just wanted to get on here and make a quick update. Sorry for being MIA most of this week. Mentally I just couldn't find the strength to write much, and now I think that I am coming down with a cold. Regardless though I am going to try to make the best of my birthday tomorrow, and the important part is I am still sober! Monday will mark one whole month since I last had a drink and I am so proud, but still taking it one day at a time so I will celebrate that on Monday!
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
Dear Alcohol
To my longest and most toxic relationship, I've lost count now how many times I've broke up with you, only to take you back a few months later. Out of all the relationships I've been in through out my life, you've been the hardest one to let go. You have told me the most beautiful lies I have ever heard, and in the same breath have betrayed me in ways that nothing else has. You've made me addicted to the highs and lows of this relationship, I feel myself craving it sometimes.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
Modern Dating
As someone who has spent more of their life single than in a relationship I've just really been having some thoughts about the dating world, what it has become, and is there really any hope to fix it. I know that what works for one person might n0t work for someone else, but I wanted to share my thoughts on this incase anyone felt the same.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Humans
My Love
“You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them.”- John Green Dear A, You've been apart of my life for over 20 years, mostly at a distance but there none the less. We were on our own paths but every now and then we'd bump into eachother, catch up and go about our day. I think because you were my first love, you always brought a since of comfort to me. You came to me in a very pivotal part of my life, a transition that I didn't even realize. We were so young, but the most beautiful part of that is I loved you fearlessly, purely, and of course for what we knew love to be back then.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
Sober Super Bowl
What a nail bitting game!! I don't normally watch football, I am always there for the drinks and snacks. This year however I couldn't help but watch. My whole family is made up of 49er fans, so I was just here supporting my dad. I really thought they were going to win, but right at the last few seconds the Chiefs came in and stole the game! It almost felt like a movie. I am very proud of myself though, I stayed sober and just enjoyed myself. One of the best part is I will remember the whole day, instead of only the first part and waking up feeling horrible tomorrow.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
11 days
I am so proud that I have made it 11 days no alcohol! Yesterday was so chaotic in my house I felt like I just couldn't catch a break. But I kept pushing through and keeping myself busy with little things. I finally made myself a therapy appoint, so that will be on the 19th of this month. I was actually on Instagram yesterday and an account I follow shared a website to search for therapist. I felt that it was meant to be so I went on there and searched for people in my city. The first person I saw on there caught my attention, and seemed perfect for my situation. She specializes in dealing with anxiety, depression, and past trauma so I am really hopeful that this will work out. I am going to be paying for it out of my own pocket which I know will be a little more pricey but I have to try something. I have tried going through my insurance which honestly was such a bad experience that I almost wrote off therapy all together. Then I tried better help, and I did actually find someone through them but she ended up leaving 4 months after I started. I feel blessed that I am even able to do things this way, as I know there are so many that can't. This is why I always want to share my story and let people know that if they ever need someone that I am here. I have sometimes felt so alone in life in general and throughout so many of life's journeys, and I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. Just know you're never alone.
By Kimmiekins42 years ago in Confessions
