Agoraphobia, Depression & Anxiety.

Life feels strange sometimes doesn't it? One minute you feel great, life feels like there endless possibilities, wonder, and excitement. Then it's like you wake up one day and it's as if your entire world has spun upside down. What once was wonder and excitement has turned into dread and worry. Things you once loved have suddenly become things that you fear the most. If this is something that you haven't experienced I am envious but so greatful for you, I would never wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

Looking back on my life I now realize that I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, and even agoraphobia for a majority of my life. I grew up in the 90's and early 00's though and anything to do with mental health wasn't talked about. If in the rear occasion that it was talked about you were made to feel lazy, or that you were just making it up. As a kid and young adult I was able to push through, even with having anxious thougts and feelings. Which even at that time I can remember being intense at times but I was able to sit with them and they passed. I guess I assumed everyone went through this and it was normal. While now I know i am not alone in this journey, certain members of my family and friends have never experinced this so they don't quite understand it. I whole heartedly hope that none of them have to understand it, but with some I wish they could be more empathetic even if they don't understand.

"I used to be afraid of the dark until I learned that I am light and the dark is afraid of me," – D.R. Silva.

There was a time when I had a close friend going through my exact situation and I remember at the time not being very understanding to her entire situation. Some of it I understood but the severity of things such as the health side and agoraphobia I didn't at the time, but to this day I still think about that time and regret my lack of empathy. Not even knowing that in just a few short years I would be on a very similar journey. A journey that I am just desperately trying to navigate and get my life back. I wanted to write this incase someone else is going through it and can feel less alone. I am so happy that mental health is being talked about more, as well as being more accepted. I do feel though we have such a long way to go though when it comes to a lot of people understanding. My hope is that we will get there one day. The brain may not be able to physically be seen, but it doesn't mean that it shouldn't be treated and understood with the same compassion as when you see someone that has broken their arm.

Looking back at my younger years and my experiences I wish mental health was more understood and talked about. Had it been I think I would have know much earlier on what i was dealing with and what i was up against. Also being surrounded by certain family wasn't helpful, as they've always just felt like nothing was wrong I was just lazy and sad. They assumed that I was choosing to feel this way and if I just tried harder it would just go away. At the time I didn't know how to explain to them how I was feeling or what was going through my mind. I pushed through and I felt like I functioned as normal as possible. I went on to travel, going places at random without even thinking twice about anything. I was excited for the adventure!

Then on a random night in 2017 I experienced what I felt to be my first blown panic attack. I had stayed back in the care to wait for my sister and friend to get Jamba Juice on our way to the movies. I can't remember the movie we were going to see, I just know I was super excited for it! While I was waiting I was scrolling on my phone and out of know where I got dizzy, my vision blurred and my heart began racing. I felt almost like I couldn't move for a second. I began to panic, but when they returned to the car I didn't say anything to anyone. I thought I was having a heart attack or stroke internally and I thought they would think I was crazy if I said anything of the sort. Looking back though I should have regardless because even if though it was nothing, if it was they could have helped. The night progressed and eventually I made it back to my apartment and I spent the rest of the night googling what symptoms I had trying to figure out what was wrong. If you've ever been through this before you know this is pouring gasoline on a fire.

"The only way out is through."-Robert Frost

Once I poured that gasoline on that fire, it was the start of what has now been an eight year battle with health anxiety. In the first few years I was constantly asking friends to take me to the ER because i swore something was wrong. I want to go more into depth with each individual story because it's been a lot. Eventually I did end up having a medical emergency, even though I truly felt something was wrong I didn't go in right away because I thought the hospital would turn me away due to my past with anxiety. More on this event in another post.

With each anxious event, every panic attack in public began to make world shrink. I could no longer go to places I loved without panic, unless I was drinking. Eventually leaving the house became an only when I absolutely had to event, and after covid started I began working from home and I could DoorDash. That era of time felt like an introverts dream, but in reality it created the perfect storm. Which brings me to where I am now, having to face agoraphobia. I am now back at the office, which I was mad about at first but it's defiantly been a step in getting me out of the house and facing social situations that I was able to avoid. I still have a very long way to go though. I have to work on going into the grocery store, even if I am having a panic attack. Start going to resturants again, concerts, working out, the list goes one. I realized that the only way this will get better is to go through it. Do it anyways, even when I feel scared. I've ran for so long, leaning on crutches and hoping for a quick fix. I am going to be 39 in 4 months and I just know I don't want to spend what's left of my life not living. But also learn to be gentle and patient with myself, which is something that I've been working on.

I know this is very rambled and all over the place but I wanted to write my thoughts and experiences in hopes that someone will feel less alone if they are going through something similar. I want to share my experiences individually as well. I think it will be therapeutic for me, while also helping others. When this first began for me it was hard to nevigate because no many people were talking about it. I found a few creators and groups that really got me through in the early and dark days I was so grateful. This journey isn't easy but just know you're not alone, you're not crazy, and we are all in this together!