Sober October

Sober October, No Bender November, Dry December, the list goes on. I've been writing on Vocal for almost FIVE years now, one of the first entries I shared was my battle trying to become sober from alcohol (55 days sober). I just went back and re-read some of that entry for the first time in 5 years and it breaks my heart. I wish I could go and give my past self a hug. let her know that things are about to get real rough for legit the next 5 years but it will all work out. I want to say it was only a couple days after I posted the blog my dad came over and I drank. Just like that I was back to my old ways, thinking I will be fine. The following year I ended up getting into a very toxic situation/relationship, lost my apartment, moved back in with my dad, then moved 3 hours away to my moms. I was coping with all of this by drinking almost everyday. Except for when I ended up in the hospital due to my gallbladder/blocked bile duct which is a story for another day. Even that experience only held me back from drinking momentarily even though I had doctors warning me to stop. Looking back at all my writing, and my experiences I knew what was happening and I knew the problem. I just wouldn't accept that alcohol wasn't the root cause of my anxiety it was just adding fuel to the fire. I could write out that I knew it was but internally my brain was like if we cut it out all of this will go away. It helped, but not fully. Then when it wasn't helping, I would just go back to drinking because I knew it would shut off the thoughts and feelings temporarily and then i would be right back the the vicious never ending cycle. Everyone I grew up around dealt with their problems with alcohol so it's what I knew. It became my cruch, and my best friend. It may sound sad or crazy to someone that has never been through this before but this is me being honest. I really hope if you've never been through it you never have to, especially alcohol. It's n0t talked about enough how addictive it is, but also a hard one to quit do to how socially acceptable it is.

The only way out is through, truthfully. I've told myself that at least a 100 times a day at some points, it hard to believe in the moment. Once you're through the rough parts you do realize how true it is. You're brain is a muscle that you have to work hard to rewire, and when you can't talk yourself down from a spiral gently talk yourself through it. Alcohol has been my literal catch all for everything from happiness to numbing feelings. October 3rd was the last time I had any alcohol, ironic that is mean girls day. My one month (well fourth Friday) lands on Halloween. That will defiantly be a test for me since it will be a holiday, and what do I associate that with? Drinking as the way to celebrate. How I've changed things so far in the last 3 weeks is changing what I consider my reward system, as well as occupying my time with things like writing. I enjoy writing so much and for years now I've been talking about writing my first novel, being consistent on here etc. None of which have truly happened because drinking and the aftermath of that took up a majority of my time. It hasn't been easy on somedays my brain will be trying to convince me, but I've been trying to let the thought and feeling come and go and not give in.

As crazy as it sounds I've also started myself a little reward program, things for me to look forward to when i reach a milestone. For my two weeks I took myself and got my nails done for the first time since possibly January or Feburary. Somewhere around there. Do I feel like an elementary school kid getting a gold star for doing good, yes i do. It is what is working for me right now though, and I'll take that as a win. Once I added up just how much I was spending on alcohol alone every paycheck I was flabbergasted, thought to myself "man I could be putting that money in savings, or taking myself on weekend trips." That was why I decided to start rewarding myself for the smallest wins.

"it's never too late to begin again, and every day or moment presents a new opportunity."

I still have a long way to go as far as this journey is concerned. The first step was not drinking (again) but now I want to get to know the sober version of myself. I want to start my health journey again, something I let go of so long ago. I want to actually attend events sober, I'll actually remember them! I know that part of things will be really though, and something I've been successful at only an handful of times. I notice when I am around other people it can be harder for me not to drink especially if they are drinking too. But I hope to work on that and change my view and enjoy my time regardless! This month has shown me if I truly put my mind to something even if I am uncomfortable I can do it.

I reflect on the fact that I tried starting this journey right after i turned 33 and in a few short months I am going to be 39! I can tell I have changed a lot mentally since then, and like I said earlier I wish I could give my past self a hug. As my 1 month approaches this time I can say that all these years later I don't have the thought of okay I made it a month lets celebrate one night by drinking. Even typing that out sounds obsurd, but its literally how I think. I haven't fully decided how I will celebrate this one month, considering its Halloween. I might do a movie night in, spooky movies, popcorn, candy and my favorite soda. I hope if anyone come reads this going through something similar that you're doing okay, and that you feel less alone. No one will ever be perfect, and we are bound to have setbacks. But a setback will always set us up for our greatest comeback. Until next time everyone!