11:11 Make a Wish

I am a huge believer in angel numbers, signs from the universe etc. About three years ago I really started paying more attention to them, and the signs they were trying to give me. Whenever I would see 11:11 even growing I always made a wish. Over the years I've had many wishes from finding love, to being a model, well know writer the list goes on. These last few months though my greatest wish is to love myself, and become a better version of myself everyday. It's not easy, somedays it feels easier to just fall back into the old me where I am comfortable. Even though I know that version of me no longer suits my life. It almost feels like breaking up with someone you've been in a relationship long term. That version of me is someone I've carried with me for at least 2 decades at this point, and I find it hard to just let her go sometimes.

This brings me into last week, because the old version of me did pop up. If you're following me you know that I've been on a journey to get sober from alcohol for almost five years. Last month I successfully completed "Sober October." The following week my dad came into town, he knew that I had been taking this break from alcohol and asked if I would be able to maintain that if he came up. I said yes because I truthfully thought that I could, but I didn't. This is no ones fault but my own, at first I was really down on myself about it. It's been over a week now, I haven't drank since and I've had time to reflect. Here is what I took away form that experince, and why I am now glad that it happened.

Getting to see my dad was really nice, and even though I drank I'm still glad we got to hangout. Waking up the next day I was hungover, and I did call out of work. My anxiety was there but it wasn't so bad, and truthfully my hangover wasn't the worst because even in drinking I was so terrified of my hangover. It was like the old version and the new version of myself were fighting against each-other, obviously the old version won THIS TIME! Anyways that whole morning I was in my head like why did you do this, really just shaming myself. I didn't do anything at all that day, and once I felt better I realized this is one the reasons I wanted to stop/slowdown in the first place. The hangover took away my motivation, had me in bed all day. Anything I had planned to do was no going to be put off until further notice. It made me reflect on how I was allowing this to be my everyday life, instead of an occasional thing.

I defiantly see the growth in me though, in the fact that instead of having the mindset of okay I drank the one time and the experience wasn't bad and go back to my old ways. This time I feel like I am looking at is as I no longer want to feel this way, and how did I feel that way for so long day in an d day out. I am working on what sobriety looks like to me, as I've learned its different for everyone. Everyone circumstances are different, and looks differently for them. My main goal is to have more sober days than non sober days. Not turning to alcohol in my darkest moments, or using it as a crutch for everything. So far I would consider myself successful, and I am so proud. I hope everyone is having a great start to their week, and I will write again soon!