Regarding Your Recent Lack of Laughter

Hey there! 👋🫤⚡

It's me: _Lightning Bolt⚡ and please don't fly off the handle.

⚡😐

On a rare occasion, every once in a while, self-awareness smacks me on the head like a giant rubber dildo. And you, my faithful readers, make that possible. (The self-awareness... not the dildo.)

As you all know, I write this continuing series of squirrel shit called Meme-ing Madness. Many of you came to trust it for comedic relief in these troubled times. And it probably feels like I've betrayed that trust, because the last time I showed you some memes was four months ago! 😯

😨😨😨

I can't begin to tell you how ashamed I am for betraying you.

The last time I wrote one of these irrational routines, it was entitled The Lion Meme.

People thought it was hilarious.

Naturally.

That's what I do.

I'm a brilliant buffoon.

⚡😎👍

But if I am such an intelligent idiot, you're all asking, why haven't I coughed this crap up in such an abysmally long time?

Frankly, as much as I hate to admit it, I have problems with time management. 🤷‍♂️⚡

I have so many plans.

I have not one, but two Great American Novels that I need to complete. Possibly even a Great Puerto Rican Novel, provided I can find a translator that can be trusted not to badmouth Taco Bell.

I need to finish that script for James Gunn. He recently told me that, yeah, his forthcoming superhero movies were decent, but he also said... and I quote, "Nobody does superheroing like you, __Bolt." ⚡⚡🦸⚡⚡

I already knew that, but it was flattering to have him finally admit it.

I promised that I'd expose the real unknown truth behind the JFK assassination. That CIA investigation was lame. The enduring question isn't if Oswald did it. The great unsolved mystery is: did he have McDonalds before he did it!

The Epstein tapes are a smoking gun! But I was slow on the trigger on those. {Elon shot that gun just days after I wrote this!}

I planned to Unify the Field Theories. I feel I owe that to Einstein for stealing his look.

I still have all that unfinished business with the Rosetta stone. <heavy sigh>

I'm determined to catch a Sasquatch. I thought Nike would have sent me those really big shoes by now. I ordered them more than three months ago.

Most importantly for you, dear reader, I had planned to bring you more of my famous (infamous?) assholiery.

I have a talent for assholiery, after all.

It's in my jeans.

I never go so long between meme-ing episodes. I had planned to give you more meaningless memes ten weeks ago.

I know you're all talking about me behind my back. I know you are pissed off by my radio silence. Some of you have been putting pressure on Vocal to confirm that I have a reason to live. Many unformed authors think I have a comedic contract with Vocal where they secretly pay me .27 cents extra to be a dummy and that I haven't lived up to my part of the bargain. {That's not true. They only pay me an extra .15 cents a month. Vocal isn't rich, you know?}

⚡__________________ ⚡

Let me show you the kind of letters I've been receiving.

A bunch of them all start the same...

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"

A lot.

Others begin with,

"HAVE YOUR LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?"

Clearly, I have.

Do you think a sane man would write like this?

😂🤣😂😂🤣 😂🤣 😂🤣🤣🤣

A lady in North Dakota writes...

"I only subscribed to you because you promised mediocre jokes-atop-pictures on a regular basis. No one expects quality from you. We want quantity. We're here for the memes, not for your foolhardiness."

Okay. That's fair. You just want me to scour the Internet, find the verifiably-not-A.I. funny stuff, and then regurgitate it to you.

If I claim it's a series and then stop, it's like that cancelled show on Netflix.

I get that.

It's false advertising.

Another former fan from Indianapolis writes,

People love heckling you. I know I sure do. You're ridiculous. You're a moron. You lack boundaries.

PLUS: Your grandiose hatred of penguins inspires us all to be better people.

Once again, I feel a need to set the record straight. It's not penguins I hate. It's zebras. They're basically horses who won't pick a color.

Pandas are kind of annoying too. Unless they are making cheap Chinese food.

Some bitch from Birmingham writes,

"Clearly you no longer give a shit about the Humor Community. You spent all that time entering challenges, with dreams of wealth and glory!

I always thought your stupidity was just an act!

Obviously not!

You'll never win a Vocal challenge. You're not coherent enough.

I hope your PC bursts into flames while it sits on your lap."

Wow!

That's taking it too far!

Don't 🫵 come for my junk!

You have no idea what my lightning rod is capable of when attacked!

And for the record, I do give a shit about the Humor Community. I received a Top Story for this flaming shit👇 recently.

I do not lack commitment.

I lack focus.

There's a difference.

People should get to know me better.

This next letter was sent old school postal, and it was barely readable because of the tear stains. It was from an undisclosed Senator in Washington D.C..

"Life is unpredictable. It becomes more unpredictable every day. Everyone hates us, just because we get paid six figures to fuck up the country. Do you want to be as reviled as we are?"

Get real, dude. That's impossible.

Then .... there was this other crazy online message that came to my attention, also out of Washington. It was a swipe at me even though it wasn't sent to me directly.

"Has anyone noticed that now that I HATE Lightning Bolt, he's no longer so ELECTRIC? Never liked him, never liked his comedy or his Stupid memes. He’s not a talented guy — just a pushy, obnoxious JERK, who frequently called me orange, making him not only BLIND but a mentally incompetent FOOL! He's Vocal's WORST EVER "humorist", who's completely destroying that Platform!!!"

I just laughed when I saw that.

Not the first time that guy has gone on an unhinged late-night rant about me!

What finally motivated me to get busy on a new meme-ing madness episode was the email I received from the members of a glee club in Britain. They all signed their names. It simply reads,

"YOU DON'T LOVE US ANYMORE!!!!"

<sigh>

Okay, okay, already.

Damn!

I understand your grief.

I'm sexy.

I'm funny.

I'm too self-absorbed to be aware when uncomplimentary shit is being insinuated about me.

That's a lethal romantic combination.

Plus, I know the names of all the original X-Men.

Like I said... sexy.

It's not that I don't care about you, my faithful reader!

I've just been distracted!

Let me explain why I haven't been irrational in so long....

⚡__________________ ⚡

All this 👇 has affected my life in the few months since I saw you last...

I've been furious for decades that Taco Bell took away the Meximelt. I recently realized that old trauma did require therapy after all. I'd been in denial so long. So far, I've tried seven therapists already and they've all been assholes.

I've been closely following all the drama around Diddy to see if my name is mentioned. Drunken blackouts leave lasting scars. Now that he's actually on trial, I'm on pins & needles.

I know the worst is yet to come.

I've spent nearly three weeks trying to find a Tesla to burn. I can't drive because I have brain bursts (seizures), and so far, I haven't found any of swastikamobiles. Nobody in my neighborhood is rich enough to own a Tesla.

When I ran out of mouthwash and couldn't afford more... um... frankly... I was too embarrassed to write comedy for fear it would smell like onions.

During the Ides of March-- well, I'm not about to tell you what happened to the Ceasar's salad.

Robert Kennedy Jr gave me the measles.

Thunder and I got into a copywrite fight that resulted in devastating tornados.

Our bad.

Someone added me to a "secure" Top Secret government chat by accident. For a few days afterwards, I thought I had enough insider information to take over the world.

Whoops!

All kinds of wondrous stuff happened on Vocal. I made a bunch of new friends from Pakistan and Wakanda. I'll write about that experience another day. Let's just say I've met people who promise me wealth and power beyond my wildest dreams. I'll be one of first westerners to get my hands on vibranium bitcoins.

When I asked a woman I know to show me her boobs, I learned of creatures called "booby birds." It was so disconcerting, I sequestered myself away in a secluded bunker for a several days, bitterly wondering what this world is coming to.

I retaliated by sending her my dick pic.

I wrote this incredible fantastic extraordinary amazing astounding MASTERPIECE of a story that I proudly published here on Vocal in Futurism, only to realize the next day it was a total piece of shit.

But hey, we've all been there, right?

I guess I'll edit this excuse out.

When the Pope passed, I was frantically ho'ing out my buff body to try to afford a plane ticket to the Vatican. I planned to volunteer my services helping to create the holy white smoke.

Turned out the Cardinals didn't need my weed after all.

I wished they'd told me that before I contracted gonorrhea. 😠

I thought J.D. Vance was coming to my house, so I had to hide my cats and dogs. Turns out, it was just the regular visit from Jehovah's Witnesses.

Have you ever trolled Elon Musk while playing Minecraft, and then went to sleep thinking Grok was after you?

I have. ⚡😐✋

That was even more unnerving than those three Jehovah's Witnesses who looked exactly like our Vice President.

My friends in China think my tariffs are too high. Fortune cookies now cost me $563,000,000 dollars each. And Lord knows, I hate writing anything without first finding out if it will bring me fortune. I gave up on that ritual today because I can't afford it. I'm hopeful as I write this that I'll get at least $533 in tips and pledges.

{{ UPDATE-- $So far: nothing.}}

I was recently cursed by witches... I think. It might have just been bad constipation that was holding all that gas in.

For about half a second, I thought David Corenswet was going to fly in to show me his super bulge. ⚡😁🤙🌈

My Mt. Dews keep jumping out of my hands randomly, trying to drench and short out my laptop.

Again.

Moody downgraded my credit rating so I'm no longer able to scam DoorDash like I used to.

I thought May 5th was Sinko De Mayo. Renting that boat and taking that trip out onto that lake to throw Hellmann's overboard-- that was a total waste of money!

I could have been eating burritos instead!

🤦‍♂️ Who knew?

I thought the Supreme Court had agreed to hear my arguments about the need to force Taco Bell to bring back the Meximelt, but that was a huge misunderstanding! Clarence Thomas & Samuel Alito are the only ones who don't eat there, so every other judge had to recuse themselves.

The lower courts said my arguments were gibberish! The nerve of them! Read my contentions after this story and you tell me if they make sense!

Did you know that Kanye was an antisemitic hater?!? I didn't!

Boy, that caused tension when I went to that dinner party with my Jewish friends and said I thought it was way cool that he canned the Kan part of his name.

I actually thought for 48 hours that I was A.I., until I realized I'm not even intelligent enough to spell intellgent.

Tiktok hates me. Probably because I keep complaining there are no second hands. Nothing whatsoever on that mind-numbing app seems to keep track of real time.

Facebook wanted to marry me. I didn't have the time to tell it that I just want to be friends.

So I blocked it.

Basically, it all boils down to...

It's been a hectic four months.

Those 😐👆 are my ⚡excuses ⚡and I'm sticking to them. 🙎‍♂️

So.

For those of you who I haven't made laugh in a while, I will make up for it within the next 48 hours.

This breakup between Elon and Donald that coincides with the beginning of Pride month is just too juicy not to meme about! The memes I'm compiling this weekend are just any-old memes.

These memes that could potentially lead to the downfall of Western Civilization!

Maybe.

Stay tuned.

_______________Bolt⚡

My arguments to the Supreme Court to force Taco Bell to bring back the Meximelt...

Those are my arguments to the Supreme Court to force Taco Bell to bring back the Meximelt. 👆

I hope you understand me better now.

⚡🥹 👍