You’re all alone in this f*cked up world.

Nobody tells you this, so it’s hard to accept when you finally realize. You’re all alone in this f**ked up world.

People are there but they’re never really THERE for you. We have people in our lives to pass time, make memories, have fun, love, laugh/cry with. When it comes down to it we never really have anyone but ourselves. I learned that in the hardest way possible.

I was 9 years old, I had just moved back from Alberta the year before. I never really got a chance to know my real dad. I never had contact with him. I always wanted to know him but my mom had convinced me that he didn’t care about me. I remember sometime before we left Ontario to move tonAlberta, my dad walked right past me when I was visiting an aunts house, he didn’t even recognize his own/only daughter!!! He even said hi to my cousin who was sitting on the porch with me. That made me believe for years that my mom WAS right.. he didn’t care! He was an alcoholic, my mom was a junky...I know, doomed right? But I didn’t think that way. I was young, hopeful, still had love in my heart! Swore I would never do what my parents did, especially to my kids. I had faith that one day my mom would snap out if it and love me as much as I loved her, my dad would stop drinking and come home, they would never fight or argue. I would have the happy family I always wanted. Little did I know, it was only going to get worse..way worse.

At the time my mom was married to my step-dad (I mentioned before that they kidnapped me and we moved to Alberta, didn’t work out... OF COURSE). My mom and step-dad were no better together than my mom and real father were. In fact, they may have been worse for each other. I found out fairly quickly that they were doing drugs, I wasn’t a stupid kid, I was far more aware of the drug scene than I should have been. I had a best friend at the time; which I’ve been through plenty of those with my moms habit of uplifting our whole life to move all over the city and out of the province every single year. Her name was Melissa, her dad was my step dads friend. She was the first one to tell me my step dad was doing needles.. I didn’t want to believe Melissa, not that she’d ever lie to me, she was one who couldn’t lie if her life depended on it! As a child you never want to believe that your parents would do anything wrong! I mean, we knew but didn’t dare confront them or even tell any one! I started seeing signs of drug use (I had already gone through this my whole life, it was normal for me unfortunately). Shortly after Melissa told me her suspicions, I went to my step dads brothers house, I was good friends with my “cousin”, we were looking at cards on the mantel and low and behold what do we find. NEEDLES! So not only do I have to deal with druggy parents but now my cousin is. Now it’s on my mind, I’m worried. I go snooping around my own house. I find the same thing there. Melissa wasn’t lying. My parents are doing drugs. Great! I confronted my mom, I was embarrassed. Nobody wants their mother; the woman they think so highly of, who they defend to everyone, lose friends/family over, and have so much love for; to be addicted to drugs, especially any drug you need to inject! My mom lied, I believed her and we didn’t speak of it again.

Later that year my mom moved me into this lady Karen’s house. She was funny, and she was nice to me and had a big pool so I didn’t mind being there. I was pretty sure my mom and stepdad were on the verge of divorce because I rarely seen him and when we did it was always a fight! My mom was getting really bad into the drug life, as if it could get any worse! I didn’t quite understand why at the time but my mom was either sleeping or not home, I rarely seen her and I’ve blocked most of it out. I do remember when my mom was home she was always sick. Drug sick. Normally, she had someone to help her but we lost a lot of people in our lives because nobody could stand to see her like that. Karen wasn’t home one night, I woke up scared hearing my mom moaning in distress. I hated hearing my mom cry! I run into the bathroom to see what was wrong. She was bent over, getting mad and scream-crying (she did that a lot). Somehow it was my fault, it was always my fault! She had poked herself with needles so many times she wasn’t able to find a proper vein on her own; again somehow she blamed me! “Get the fuck in here and help me!!” Me?! I stood there looking confused! I’m terrified of needles how can I help?! I start crying, begging her to let me go back to bed. No child should have to witness that never mind having them actually inject drugs into their mother! But, I didn’t want to see her hurting, so I helped her. Karen came back and she was not happy. We ended up having to move to a shelter. I hated living alone with my mom, not because she would ever hurt my physically but because I was terrified to see her over dose and not know how to help her! But thanks to my mom, we were kicked out of another home once again!

Fast forward a year; I’m 10 years old. My mom & I move in with some random guy, her new boyfriend. I hate this guy, he’s a real asshole. My mom doesn’t care, she just wants to get high. I spend most of my time at my friends house or roaming the streets. One day i slept at Melissa’s house, she was always super close with her dad but didn’t have a mom...I never did ask her where her mom was. It was late in the evening when she decided to walk me home. We had to stop by my old house where my step dad and brother still lived so I could pick up a few things I had left there. We were walking by Hamilton Strip (worlds most ghetto strip club), we always walked on the opposite side because we were young and terrified of the creepy old men who came out of there. I remember being in a very good mood, it was a beautiful night, we were laughing the whole walk, I got to see my step dad who I loved & it was overall a genuinely day. I was headed home to get ready for bed, i had school the next morning. it was approximately 9pm, kinda late for two 10 year olds to be roaming the streets alone. Anyway, I seen a man sitting outside with his head slumped between his knees. I said to Melissa “is that my dad” she replied with a laugh “no, we just left your dads house” I said “I meant my real dad”. Something in my heart just told me to go up to this strange man, sitting outside of a strip club at 9pm, on the worst street in the city, WITH his head down! Melissa said FUCK that, she stayed across the street lol. I proceed to walk up to this man; I ask “Excuse me, are you Roger Fenton” he says “yeah, sorry I’m just about to leave”. As he looked up I said “no, I’m Kayla, your daughter”. He got up quickly and gave me the biggest hug. I can still, 20 years later, feel the genuine love from that hug. He was crying...I hate to admit it, so was I. For years I was told my own father didn’t love me. For years I hated myself because I was unworthy of love from my own parents. For years I felt I wasn’t good enough. All those feelings and thoughts melted away with one single hug.

I was so happy! I ran home, told my mom what happened. She didn’t say “honey, you shouldn’t walk up to strangers it’s dangerous” or “I’m so happy for you” or anything remotely to what I thought she would have said, what I would have said! Instead she says “DON’T go near him! Don’t let him touch you; he’s a bum! He could have scabbies or something”. Wow, gee thanks mom! I didn’t care though, I was just so happy. At this age I knew not to take anything my mom said seriously. She was a miserable bitch when it came to me. I never felt like she loved me at all but yet I loved her more than life itself.

Two days later, I was standing on the roof. There’s a door that leads to a roof randomly instead of a balcony I guess lol. From the roof I could see the ally way. As always, I had no clue where my mom was & I was most likely home alone anyway. I had really bad eyesight, I literally didn’t know I needed glasses until my aunt took me for an eye exam, which I didn’t know was even a thing at that time lol. Anyway; I seen a man walking down the ally. I don’t know what it was, till this day I still don’t understand why either of these incidents happened, but Something told me that was my dad AGAIN. I didn’t hesitate in the slightest, I ran down the ally so fast and gave him the biggest hug despite what my ignorant mother thought! He didn’t look good; he had been crying. I asked him if he was feeling ok and he acted like it was nothing. He said to be good; he loves me, I told him I love him too. I didn’t think anything of it, I wish I would have had some kind of instinct, something to tell myself “just stay a little while longer”, but instead I allowed it to be cut short; it was warm, he looked tired, he was looking sad and overall drained, he had enough. I didn’t know what I know now. I truly didn’t know that was going to be my last chance to tell him I love him, the last time I’d ever see him, talk to him, hug him. I didn’t know that would be his last day on earth.

I woke up the next morning, everything was the same, I was happy. I got to see my dad again yesterday!!! I didn’t tell my mom this time, I didn’t want to hear the negativity. I remember this day like it was yesterday because I keep replaying that week over and over in my head wondering what I missed, If I could have changed it, or even just wondering how I spent two years in Hamilton without seeing my dad ONCE and all of the sudden i see him twice in under a week. I was sitting on the couch with my mom, we were laughing, just talking, having a good day actually. When we got a knock at the door I instantly found it strange, but didn’t think much into it. It was my cousin Teresa, my dads brothers daughter. Odd. My dads side is so distant, why the hell would teresa come to OUR HOUSE?! My mom must have known something was wrong because the look on her face was as if she had seen a ghost. They asked me to go into my room so they could talk. Still, as oblivious as I am, I didn’t think anything of it! Just figured they were gunna fight over something and didn’t want me to hear. And then I heard something I never heard before, something that still haunts me to this day. My mom let out an enormous, overwhelming, heart wrenching wail. I ran as fast as I could! “What!!! What happened?!?!”. My mom told me to sit down, she said two words that have haunted me for 20 years. “Your dad....”. I dropped to the floor. “Nooooooooo” I cried. Everything after that point In the day is a total blur. that was the day I knew what it meant and how it felt. Loss. Tragic, irreplaceable LOSS.

As if my life could get any worse. I can’t remember much of the days to follow, I believe I may have blocked a lot of things out after my dad died. I do remember being at my dad’s funeral & crying. My aunt Kathy asked me “what are you crying for”. Cause you know, it’s a fucking party so let’s all celebrate right?! Definition of my previous story “what’s wrong with you”. This is how my family has always treated me, I’m just a huge inconvenience to everyone! A few days after my dad died I just wanted to be around my mom, I didn’t even care if she did the drugs I just wished she would be where I could see her, but she was never home, I hadn’t seen her for days so I stayed at a friends because I didn’t know where my mom was, I don’t know how long I was at my friends house but for sure a couple days. One day my aunts Kim and Candis came and got me from my friends, we drove over to my house and picked up my stuff. I guess my moms boyfriend was mad and wanted me out of the house, I remember aunt Kim flipping on the guy “who the fuck kicks out a kid who just lost their dad, I hope you kill yourself” she said to him. {At the time we didn’t know but he did in fact over dose that exact night, I guess he felt bad and didn’t care enough to use safely!}

Nobody would tell me what was going on, but they all talked about it while looking at me like I was a sad dying puppy. It wasn’t until later that night when I truly felt the gut-wrenching feeling that I’ve still yet to kick. I already knew I wasn’t good enough for my family, I already knew they didn’t like me very much, I already knew I was annoying and an inconvenience. This feeling was different, this is a feeling I’d never wish on anyone. I don’t even know how to describe how it feels but it comes down to one simple humiliating word. I was unwanted. I sat on the couch by the window crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, listening to my aunts and uncles talking about my mom leaving me right after my dad died. All I could think was : Where’s my mom?! Where the fuck is the woman who brought me into this hell hole?! How could she do this to me?! The child she grew for 9 months & raised for 10 years! Why mom. Why?! Why did you leave me at the most important, tragic, unbearable moment in my life? Where are you?! Please come back. Prove them wrong! You’re not a terrible mother!!!! You can’t be. Just love me. Even a little!

I didn’t see my mom for two years. My mother, was not dead, not sick, not in jail. She just abandoned me. She sent me letters and photos of her & her new boyfriend, as if I gave a fuck about him! Oh, to top it off, she was drug free! She left me behind and started a new, improved life! She was out living her best life after she left me with my Aunt who never wanted me; who literally called me Cinderella! My mom looked happy though, so I was happy for her. I still worshipped the woman. She was like God to me! I mean she was all I had, my dad was gone, I had no siblings, barely any family members that wanted me around and I always believed that you love your parents regardless of the mistakes they made. I allowed my mom to treat me like I was nothing/disposable. Until this day I can say I love my mom more than she’s ever loved me. It’s definitely not a mutual feeling.

For years to come I would spend my life mothering my own mother, dropping out of school, having a child at a young age, falling in love with an older man and utterly ruining myself as a person & unfortunately damaging the young minds of my children who I love more than life itself.

My mom has been clean for 13 years, since my daughter was born. She has temporary custody of my children and I’m so very proud & appreciate her!

I’m currently a few days clean, trying my best to stay that way. I’m doing counselling for myself and my children.. In fact, as part of therapy/drug counselling I was told to start writing down my thoughts, triggers and memories, that’s what brought me to writing this for you all to read.

Everyone has a story, we are all fighting a battle no other person knows about but a lot of us can relate to. We have to have our own backs before anyone else’s, I’ve learned that there’s nobody in the world I can put before myself & I say that because if I don’t put myself first and make sure I’m good I will never be able to be the mother my children deserve.

We come into this world alone, we leave it alone. Do good, stay true to who you are, be selfish sometimes, be happy & treat yourself once in awhile because you’re all alone in this fucked up world; make the best of it! You deserve it!