Becoming British in Seven Simple Steps

Before you can become British, you are required to follow the instructions on this page.

You are free to fill in the full 127-page form at your leisure, your discretion, or within 1 calendar day, whichever is the sooner.

These instructions form a new updated instruction set that reflects the important new improvements we have made to the scheme that were deemed to be necessary in order to overturn the old important new improvements we introduced last year.

1. What’s it all about, then?

Insofarasisappropriate, notwithstanding exceptional and extenuating circumstances, the legal text that accompanies this form may consist of deeply obfuscatory compound Latin and portmanteau legalese pretend word constructions designed to develop antagonistic neuralgia leading to weeks of nagging and unsatisfactory sleep.

Herethereandeverywhereinafter, you are advised to instruct a solicitor before you sign, or to take the advice of a suitably qualified professional, such as a friend of your sister who knew someone who was once followed home by a prowling member of the judiciary and, therefore, has an inkling of “how these things work”.

2. Where do I start?

Please fill in forms carefully using black ink, block capitals and, except where indicated otherwise, an adult mental perspective uncluttered by your inner fucking child. Fill in the form fully.

If there is anything that you are not sure whether you should tell us, such as a deviant sexual fetish, your membership of an underground organization or participation in a folk dancing society, please make a note of it on a separate sheet and mark your application “For the attention of the Arresting Officer”.

3. What if I don’t tell you everything?

Failure to divulge information could lead to officially sanctioned harassment, legitimate paranoia and arrest that may, in turn, lead to imprisonment and compulsory viewing of Open University programmes. In certain rare cases, imprisonment can lead to a chronic mental disfigurement such as a BA (Hons) in Town Planning or Psychology, as well as a degree of nonconsensual buggery.

4. What if I don’t understand?

DoSS is committed to serving the community, so if you find these forms difficult in any way, just call our Intelligence Impairment Unit and arrange a home visit, during which you will be spoken to in a loud, insistent voice and patiently stripped of your dignity.

5. What if I’m old?

We are committed to making you feel safe and cared for in the all-too-short years before your eventual death. To that end, we are proud to offer you the chance of registering with our free Pensioner Appraisal Programme, which gives you, the senior citizen, the chance to give us the benefit of your opinions on public services, as well as how things don’t taste like they once did and why the war was so much fun.

Just fill out the form and send it back to us, enclosing some boiled sweets and your current pension book. Don’t worry, we’ll send your pension book straight back to you, after we have verified your age and played a few sessions of Unreal Tournament Death Squad on the office network.

Each registered pensioner gets a free packet of damp petticoat tail shortbread to threaten their grandchildren with, an upgraded funeral plan and enough Winter Fuel Bonus to warm their home to 140° Fahrenheit. You might think that’s a bit chilly, but at least it’s warm enough for you to take off the immersion heater jacket you put on by mistake when you went to the wrong cupboard last April.

• This form is intended to field your views on issues affecting you, the wise old owl, as well as senior citizens in general. Please find a wing-backed, reproduction Queen Anne electric ejection armchair to complete this form in, and don’t forget you’ve left the oven on.
• Please complete this form in the same haphazard inky scrawl you use for your 28-year-old grandson’s birthday card with a picture of a fucking yacht on it. If we cannot read it, we will come round to your house, talk very loudly and accidentally sit on your dachshund.

6. What if I want to appeal?

Your request will be reviewed by a panel of spiteful paper-pushing automatons, while your benefit is withdrawn and members of your family are followed home, possibly by a prowling member of the judiciary. Your statutory rights are not effective.

7. What are the benefits?

Once issued, your ID card entitles you to full membership of Britain, including a full British Identity™. The British Identity is one of the most sought after status symbols of the modern age. A veritable Rolls Royce among inferior patriotic fixations, just being British equips you to stroll confidently around the world with a certain amount of overbearing gravitas and self-importance.

Please fill in these forms with a Medium 500µ Black Rollerball fineliner in BLOCK CAPITALS using a piece of lined paper underneath as a guide. You must answer ALL the questions. If you do not know the answer to a question you must think about it for a bit and make a pot of tea.

The judge’s decision is final.

Tick boxes 🔲 should be filled in with a jaunty tick thus: ✅ Do NOT fill with a diagonal cross ❎: This isn’t the Football Pools.

This article contains extracts and graphics from my book Britain: What a State, part of the Official Unofficial Department of Social Scrutiny Series – available as a download from Amazon as well as free Kindle Unlimited editions.

UK Customers