What the F is wrong with you?!

What the F is wrong with you?!

How many times have you’ve heard that in YOUR life?! I can honestly say that question was asked following 90% of my life choices/decisions or simply just after absolutely anything I do..EVER! I never realized that the people I love could cause me so much pain. Endless nights I’d lay awake wondering, what’s wrong with me? Am I really this terrible? It truly does a lot to your self esteem growing up. Parents, care givers, elders etc. Please be aware of the things you’re telling/saying to our youth as they are our future! I can’t stress enough how much this affects a persons emotional and physical well-being. Personally, I feel it’s beneficial to everyone in society, all around the world to boost each other up rather than tearing each other down. Why bring humans into the world if we cannot love them, teach them and nurture them the way we would want others to do for us? A lot of our qualities are passed on to us through habit. We treat others the way we see our role models treating others. It was only in my adult life that I knew it was utterly and disgustingly wrong to laugh at other misfortunes. I truly didn’t know better. I thrived off of seeing other people fail, to see them beneath me. My family enjoys other people suffering. They have to, other wise they wouldn’t be the way they are!

I spent a lot of my life trying to get my family to love and accept me. I never really fit in. Either people were better than me or jealous of me or just plain mean to me. I was always the outcast of the family. I mean, my mom always loved me the best she could. She wasn’t the greatest mother but she is one hell of a grandmother I’ll give her that. My dads side of the family wasn’t a part of my childhood, it literally took my dad dying for me to even be relevant; not sure they really knew or cared I existed. My moms side of the family is very, I can’t even think of a good word to explain them, just down right RUDE!

The worst thing you can say to someone struggling with any issues is “what’s wrong with you”. I’ve heard it so much I can’t even think of ONE single defining moment to tell you about. It’s honestly, degrading. I feel completely alone. All my friends seem to have it great compared to me. I guess I can only try to start from the beginning of my story, the time I finally realized I was alone in this world. Nobody has your back like you got you. Always remember that!

Take this in. True story, as Kevin hart would say “you can’t make this shit up”. Imagine being a child, your mother is a drug addict, father is not allowed around as he’s an alcohol, and you only know your family on your moms side. All your cousins hate you, you have no friends because your mom is unstable and you’re forced to move all over the place! We literally JUST got back from Alberta; after your mom and step dad kidnapped you from the care of your step sister; and you’re put into the same school as your cousins who have no worries in life, they have both parents and they have eachother. You’ve only ever wanted to be accepted by these people you call your family, instead you’re criticized, humiliated, and pushed to the side. Your cousins won’t give you the time of day, so you don’t dare go near them during school and nobody wants to be the new kids friend, especially when this new kid is completly bald because nobody wanted to take care of the lice problem you inherited from your cousin who had lice her whole life! So now I’m 9 years old, new school, no friends, no nice clothes, chubby and overall insecure. My first day of school the teacher goes to introduce me. She asks me what my name is I quietly reply “Kayla”. She proceeds to tell the class “we have a new student joining us, say hi to Kyle”....... WHAT?! KYLE?!!?!? I fucking said KAYLA. This is going to be a terrible school year! Everyone thinks it’s hilarious; everyone except me. I didn’t make any friends, I stood outside alone at recess because the teachers wouldn’t let me sit inside and read. Boys teased me, girls laughed at me. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why me god, why me?! I go home later that day crying; my mom asks with an annoyed look on her face “what’s wrong with you this time”. Because we all know what a fucking inconvenience I am to everyone. I just replied “nothing”. For days after I literally felt sick having to go to school.

Fast forward a few years, now I’m 11. My dad died, moms gone; she didn’t want me. I’m living with my aunt and little cousin who also didn’t want me but at the time I benefited their situation and well, my aunt has a bit of a heart. In the summer I was allowed to go out to friends or play outside until the street lights came on. If I was ever late, I would be grounded. Understandable, I don’t agree with children being outside unsupervised at night time. One day after school I asked if I could go to my friends house, she lived a street over, I could see her house from my back yard! My aunt was cool with it, this time she wanted me to be home by 5:30PM for dinner then I had to stay in. I wasn’t even going to argue, I knew better. I agreed, only I didn’t have a watch, and it was like 2002 so I most definitely didn’t have a cell phone! I was working on a dance routine with my friends, we were going to be in the talent show! I knew how much trouble I’d be in if I hadn’t gotten home on time so I was constantly checking the time. At 5:10PM I started to head home, I forgot my backpack. I remember thinking “oh shit, I’m grounded” as I ran back to get my backpack; I’d be screwed regardless, id rather be late and grounded than not completing my school assignment, grounded and have to stay in writing lines for recess! So I ran as fast as possible for a chunky, out of shape 11 year old! I got home at (and yes I remember clearly) 5:37PM. Great! 7 minutes late, shouldn’t be a big deal, but it was! As soon as I get in the door, “what took so long!? What’s wrong with you Kayla, you can’t tell time?!” Although I explained what had happened she was still mad, I ended up having to cook my own dinner, clean up and go straight to bed. I was grounded for two weeks for that!!!

These are only a couple of times I had my self esteem shot down by people who should be building it up. At a young age I was forced to see how cruel the world is. If you’re not beautiful, smart, or talented than you’re basically non-existent. I was mediocre, I was smart but not considered one of the smart kids. I wasn’t ugly but I was fat. I was far too shy to be funny. I had no self esteem. When I look back, I never got praised for anything. My family literally made fun of me, my mom was there physically but I never felt the love a child should, my cousins hated me because I was younger and annoying; I had no siblings. I never learned to love myself, instead I learned to doubt myself. I spent my whole life trying to figure out what the f*** is wrong with me.. I’ll let you know the answer if I ever find out!

Moral of this story is to love harder than hate. Boost eachother up don’t knock eachother down! I use to hate little phrases like “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” But I truly understand them now, you never realize what you say or do could greatly impact others until it’s too late. It takes two seconds to compliment someone or acknowledge their hard work/effort but it takes a life time to repair the damage caused by criticizing them. Be kind and treat others the way you would want to be treated. We are all f*cking awesome! ;)