The Cold Embrace of Rejection

Tales from Summer Camp

When I was 17, my father had the brilliant idea of enrolling me in a sort of “summer camp” for teenagers.

This “camp” was a 5-day event in a beautiful location (Southern California) designed to help teenagers develop an entrepreneurial mindset, so that they could rush head-on into college and beyond, equipped with the tools needed to be leaders in the world of business and otherwise.

Sounds like a great concept, right?

Well, it was.

Except that trying to marshal in horny, immature teenagers to focus on integrating advanced “vocational skills” might seem more challenging than it appears on the surface.

Anyways, being the excruciatingly shy teenager that I was, I basically clung to the group of people [in my cabin] like a piece of lint on a college sweatshirt.

In other words, I was ‘there’ if someone chose to focus their attention on me.

I was easy to dismiss and effortlessly ignorable.

About a couple of days into the camp, we were all assembled in the ‘dining area’ to work on an activity, before dinner.

One of the people in the group had the brilliant, Einsteinian idea of taking a group photo.

Sounds like fun!

Everyone in the group, male and female, hurriedly assembled, warmly embracing all their new BFF’S.

I stood there, waiting for my opportunity to join in the assembly.

More poignantly, I was hoping beyond all hopes that someone would invite me to have the “imperial honor” of standing next to them, arms on each other’s shoulders, bonded in friendship and connection.

Well, spoiler alert: That never happened.

One of the girls in the group precipitously strolled up to me, and with a poker face devoid of any kindness, abruptly handed me a cheap, disposable camera and said,

“Here, take our picture.”

Take OUR picture.

In other words (at least in my mind), the message being conveyed was, “We don’t want you being connected to us, in any lasting memento of youth from our time here. So, be a good unimportant character to this event, and take OUR picture, sans your presence.”

I was crushed.

That acidic feeling of rejection reared its way up my throat like a guy on his couch, who ingested far too many buffalo wings on game day.

A familiar feeling: The feeling of not being a worthy human, in the eyes of others.

A Tease in All but Name

Several years later, after I graduated from high school, I was dating this girl.

We hung out and made out, but she kept me at arm’s length when it came to “running around the bases,” so to speak.

She used me for weed and cigarettes, and a ride to drive her around, occasionally bestowing me with a few obligatory breadcrumbs by “making out with me.”

One night, I dropped her off at her apartment complex.

It was around midnight, mind you.

Suddenly, a black Suburban-like SUV pulled up right behind me, driven by a thuggish-looking dude.

I looked in my side mirror, somewhat confused at who this guy was, or what was happening.

I politely asked my quote-unquote “girlfriend,”: Hey, who is that in the Suburban?”

“Oh,” she replied nonchalantly. “That’s Jose. We’re going to hang out right now.”

Mind you, this is at least midnight, on like Tuesday or Wednesday.

Any noni-naïve person would look at this situation and think ABSOLUTELY the worst outcome: Your girlfriend was making you drop her off somewhere, so that she could go fool around with another man.

Paranoid thinking?

Possibly.

Sadly, no.

Your girlfriend asked you for a ride to a location to be picked up by another man so that she could engage in a booty call.

Being so pathologically innocent to the ways of dating, it didn’t occur to me that my girlfriend was purposely withholding sexual gratification with me, to bestow it for someone else freely.

Yet she was (later confirmed by her best friend's confession).

Once again, rejection.

A different kind of rejection.

But an equally insidious form of it, nonetheless.

Once again, I was not worthy in the eyes of another.

I possessed a dearth of inadequacy, casting me as ineligible for any moniker of value in the eyes of another person.

An agonizing tale that repeatedly plays out throughout much of my life.

Holiday of Sadness

This year, for the Chanukkah/Christmas Holidays, a very close relative and his wife came to visit my parents and me.

These extremely close -bonded kin arrived and showered my parents with gifts.

It was almost reminiscent of a duke and duchess visiting the royal court of another, bestowing illustrious titles upon the noble(s) as a sign of respect, courtesy, and ultimately, admiration.

My parents received cards and gifts, fitting of a modern aristocrat.

I received NOTHING.

No holiday card, no cheap, Chinese-made Amazon t-shirt, no maturing box of Whitman’s chocolate that had been languishing on a store shelf for many months.

Nothing.

To say that I felt crushed by this petty act of selfish withholding of love would be entirely accurate.

Beyond the emotional hurt, my psychological state whirlpooled around an unpleasant, perturbing sentiment: resentment.

Resentment for being ignored (by the way, the wife of the close relative had uttered a total of two words to me, the entire time).

Bitter exclusion for the purposeful omission of affection that these relatives chose to gift me.

Once again, another human didn’t see my value.

Like a scab that is continually picked at, so that it never heals, other people sought to demonstrate my lack of ‘worth’ in their eyes.

The pungent flavoring of rejection once again reared its acrid face.

To an individual accustomed to being dismissed by others as a creature of irrelevance, it is difficult not to view this incident for what it conveys: Rejection.

What is the point here?

Why am I communicating these personal tales of woe to you all?

It is not for sympathy. I can’t emphasize that enough.

No, my mission here revolves around one key human trait, so often lacking in the realm of human subsistence: Self-Worth.

The truth of the matter is that you cannot control the personal feelings or subsequent actions of others.

You can only control your own.

People will break your heart ALL THE TIME.

Humans will conveniently reject you for the simplest, often shallowest reasons.

That’s ok.

It’s not technically ok, but it is a structural facet of life that can often not be avoided.

Humans have free will. With free will comes the divine choice of whether to demonstrate love or hate to others.

Whether to accept others in a spirit of dignity and recognition, or to rebuff them, with an energy of disgust and animus.

Ultimately, humans are organically self-centered.

We care about our own thoughts, feelings, and actions far, far more than the circumstances or emotions of others.

We care about our own lives, not others'.

What makes us happy and whole takes substantial precedence over others' sentiments.

The human species is engineered this way.

It is often a sad reality, but it is nonetheless a reality.

The point here is that rejection will come in many different packaging, tastes, and flavors.

It [rejection] will come from the lowliest of strangers, to even the closest of kin.

It sucks to experience it.

It really does!

Like all events in life, it is necessary.

A shitty part [of life], yes, absolutely.

But an integral part.

Pain is the best teacher.

So is failure.

When you ‘fall’ in life, when others mistreat you, THIS is when you learn how to ‘win.’

This is the moment you learn how to grow and thrive.

You realize that others' actions are not a reflection of you; they reflect themselves.

What matters is how YOU contribute to this world.

How do you give of yourself to others?

The character that you play in this Shakespearean drama of living consciousness.

Do you serve others, in a vigor, riddled with love and kindness?

Do you aim to bring light to this world, rather than more narcissism and self-absorption?

Are you a baron of warmth and generosity to your fellow man?

Or a monarch of selfishness and maltreatment of others.

The choice is ALWAYS yours.

Always.

Choose wisely.