Power of acceptance

ACCEPTING YOURSELF.

As some of you will know, I am a 25 year old male NHS therapist who has recently engaged in 2 sets of his own therapy and found a way to connect as a “sufferer” as well as a “healer”. This “brief” piece is the start of a set of posts about some common methods of developing self-love and emotional growth, in a time where this is more important than ever.

We have all heard the cliché “learn to love yourself” but not many of us actually know what it means or looks like. I am not here to preach the right and the wrong method, because there is no black and white. However, there are some ‘techniques’, for a way of putting it, that often create the right space for this.

We all experience conflicts of some kind and often what we feel is resolved is often not truly accepted. I’ll give you an analogy I often use with clients. Our brain works like a computer. We have files, containing our individual experiences, in our brain within folders inside further overarching folders. When we have some information that contains negative experiences (thoughts, feelings, circumstances) we wish to overcome this quickly because it creates displeasure. This is where we adopt DEFENSE MECHANISMS or SAFETY BEHAVIOURS (I will discuss in another story). When we process information in such a way we are creating folders to put these files in our brain quickly, without much conscious thought. What this inevitably leads to is disorganisation/‘clutter’.

Example — Files about a past toxic relationship could end up in a folder that is named ‘relationship behaviours’. Thus when we seek to engage in behaviours within intimate circumstances we are influenced by this past toxic relationship, hence why the past is often a contributory of our unhealthy attachment styles in present relationships (co-dependency or avoidance).

If we want to avoid further difficulties (such as the interpersonal ones aforementioned) we have to appropriately attend to issues as they present themselves and ACCEPT our feelings, thoughts and emotions in the moment. This will result in the new files being stored approiately. For past issues that we haven’t engaged with at the time in this manner, we need to learn how to effectively reflect and then ACCEPT what surfaces. This will allow us to move old folders into safer places.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT (Cognitive)

A good starting place is to develop a conscious habit of identifying the patterned relationships between our thoughts, feelings and behaviours in particular situations. A commonly prescribed tool to accomplish this is the “thought diary”. Here, we write down challenging thoughts that present themselves to us day-to-day and we document the situation at hand when this thought came about. Next, we write down the emotions which were brought to the surface and how we responded (behaviour) in this situation. By doing this, what we are connecting and slowly learning is how we are influenced by our internal; how the way we think and feel is causing our behaviour and how our behaviour is perhaps maintaining the pattern of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Then we can begin to look at how we need to behave differently to achieve more positive outcomes.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT (Metaphysical)

Another tool, which explores the body, over mind, is meditation or mindfulness type exercises. One good example is often practiced by yoga practitioners or other holistic coaches and takes the form of body scanning. In this exercise, we begin as most meditation based exercises do, by focusing on our breathing with strong inhales and exhales and envisioning a relaxed state. Once we feel we have connected within our body, we begin to try and create a picture of what it would look like if we were achieving the desirable outcome within this conflict - what we want from ourselves in terms of feeling, thought and behavioural response. Next we begin to ask ourselves what we feel is getting in the way of what we want and we scan our body for ANY resistance to this positive place.

EXAMPLE;

Given that this can often be a hard technique to understand from words alone I’ll use a personal example. A long term-relationship recently came to an end for me and although I probably checked out emotionally many moons prior, several self-critical thoughts and unpleasant emotions were continually rising to the surface, with each passing day.

When I practiced this meditation, I thought about what I desired from life that perhaps my current NON-ACCEPTED files were making unattainable. I thought about the type of relationship I wanted and how I wanted to feel, think and behave inside this relationship and I imagined, one particular date that would embody this healthy state. I pictured lying in an open space, on grass, with my hands running through the woman’s hair, hearing laughter and smelling sweet perfume. When I thought about this whilst in this hyper focused relaxed state of breathing, I scanned my body and found my head was feeling very light and my throat was feeling clammy. I instantly knew there was resistance!!! I asked myself, what part of this image do I not believe is attainable. After some more breathing I said out loud, “I do not feel I am good enough to have this” and “I could not make my previous partner happy so I will not make anyone else happy either”. I then asked myself what emotions do I feel hearing me say this to myself and where do they come from? I chanted a list of emotions in my head waiting for my body to give me feedback on any of them. I said anxious, nothing. I said angry, nothing... I said guilty; I felt my head begin to sway and my heart rate elevate. I FELT GUILTY. I asked myself, what are you guilty for? Breathe in, breathe out, picture the image again. It came to me. I felt guilty that I had failed my previous partners, they had all called quits and I felt entirely responsible for the breakdown of these relationships. I hadn’t resolved their issues, their traumas, their insecurities and so I wasn’t a good boyfriend to women.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT LEADS TO ACCEPTANCE

When you practice these tools you are becoming aware of how and why you are in a “bad” place. But often, we find our bad place isn’t always entirely controllable by our self. Our files hold information about other people and our interactions with these people are influential to some degree too. Let’s think about it. Can I possibly be solely to blame for relationship breakdowns? Unlikely!

So, we come back to what we can ACCEPT and CHANGE. What behaviour am I engaging in that makes me so invested that I feel I have failed when it doesn’t work out?!?!?

When we do these exercises, we acknowledge our present state. This is what we can change. We can’t change the past events, but we can take insight from how to not repeat past events. Equally, we cannot account for every possible future event, but we can practice healthy behaviours and present awareness, to influence our daily life in the way that will help us create our desired future.