Discovering self-love.

2020 became too much. Too much for a newly qualified young 24 year old male therapist. The stories I heard day-to-day. The isolation created by a national lockdown and the risks that came with a global pandemic. A long-term partner suffering with severe mental health difficulties, too far away to feel I was making any positive impact on her life. A mother, who was recovering from a brain anuerysm.

Too overwhelming, too busy, too stressful, too hopeless, too uncertain and anxiety-provoking. I felt I had to be too forgiving, too empathetic, too understanding, too caring and too patient to manage my environment until I became the complete opposite of these things. Ultimately I was too ignorant of the fact that this was the reality of my life and there was no running away from it.

I gave up. I gave up first on my ambitions and my plans for the year, but then again so did everyone.

Then, I gave up on my job; feeling I was incapable and unresourceful. Finally i gave up on my relationship; feeling there was no way of problem-solving the distance, the lack of intimacy and everything else that came with it. But, what I had really done in the midst of this was give up on myself, with no solutions for my own feelings which I mentioned at the start of this.

I was too arrogant to admit that, just like everyone else at some points in their life, I had no answers, no way quick fix to manage the situations that had closed in around my day-to-day life and that were practically killing me from within my own body.

I looked to other circumstances as the cause of my pain and tried to fix them. Maybe I need time off work, maybe I need to find a way to build some social life inside a national lockdown, maybe I need to find more appropriate answers for my partners pain. All along what I needed was to give myself space to build up some energy for myself.

When I finally gave myself space, and it required the breakdown of my relationship (some things come with a cost), I went from feeling hopeless and having thoughts that I doubt I'll ever feel comfortable sharing on a social platform (I know the stigma lingers!), to feeling like I had an opportunity for a stable and positive future and "all" I did to achieve this was.... I forgave myself....

I accepted my situation, I accepted I had to confront myself; only I could bridge the dissonance I felt, only I could repair the damage and change my thoughts, feelings and behaviour.

I write this fairly easily today (1 take with no changes) and without a struggle to grasp my emotions as I do so, mainly because I dont write this as a call for help or to encourage that others pity me but rather to highlight the power of self-love.

Its not a path you take or a journey you embrace or any other cliché that makes it sound like you can just wake up one day and you're at the destination. It is a daily conscious struggle to appraise yourself. To gratify yourself. To validate yourself and ultimately to truly love yourself.

Some days are nearly as horrible as my lowest points in 2020 and that is just the reality of it and thats okay, because I am not hiding away from the reality anymore. I am not avoiding the unpleasantry and obstacles, I am hustling with every single breath I take.

I did not have to change, just like I didnt have to write this post and open myself up to judgement and peoples opinions (which some will have irrespective of my actions in my life), but I wanted to. So I write this because I hope to show others how weak and vulnerable a human can be and yet still come out on the other side.

I love you all and you should love yourself and everyone too.