I'm a crab.

As the holiday drew to a close, the muse paid a surprise visit.

I wrote two and a half articles in one go on a camping trip, and to share them with my partner R. I was so happy.

He said I only know how to work, but I can't let go of my writing when I'm out, and that he couldn't feel that we were together because I was writing in my tent.

Circling long enough to understand that all the emotions coming at me weren't really about me.

Although the urge to defend myself arose within me, I knew that defending myself would only prevent me from hearing what he really wanted to say.Like candy wrapped in layers of cannonballs, his grumbling hid his needs.

I put up my giraffe ears (in non-violent communication, a giraffe is used to indicate empathetic listening) and repeated his expression, "So you don't like me buried in my work alone and want me to hang out with you?"

"Well ...... it's not exactly this la."

He said with his head down, a little ashamed, "I just complained at you, mostly because ...... I'm turning into a crab."

I would smile and breathe a sigh of relief.

We'd made a long-standing agreement between us not to be each other's crabs. If we found ourselves or each other inclined to do so, we were to say so.

"Crab" refers to a jealousy that prevents one from getting ahead. It is said that the fishermen's crab bucket does not have a lid, so crabs can easily climb out of it, but as soon as the top crab crawls out, the bottom crab grabs it, and as a result, all the crabs get trapped in the bucket.

R explained that he had taken on a laborious job early in the morning - we were borrowing a friend's farm for a camping trip, and as a thank you, he offered to fix his friend's water pipe. Unfortunately, the problem was far more complicated than he thought, and it took half a day's effort to fix it.

And my high productivity made him even more irritated - why should you get to do what you love, while I'm working all morning for someone else and taking even more time?

"You mean, you want to prioritize spending time on your own business, too?" I guessed what he needed.

"Yeah." He said stoically, "So I got upset when I saw how mobile you were, so I probably pulled you down in the bucket, intentionally or unintentionally." I was relieved by his honesty.

I don't blame R for the crab at all, because I'm no stranger to it.

Last month, my friend spent tens of thousands of dollars to hire himself a fitness personal trainer, determined to lose fat and get in shape in three months.

As a fitness enthusiast for many years, and as a recovering eating disorder sufferer who has had her workout on the wrong side of the road, I naturally have a lot to remind her - don't eat too little, don't be too hard on yourself or you'll bounce back, girls should pay attention to the balance between fitness and menstruation, having muscles and tone doesn't necessarily equate to physical and mental health, and so on and so forth.

Although the reasoning sounds well-intentioned, but I said, hinted that something is not right -

Ah, it's my crab that's got her!

When I listened carefully, the crab was saying, I decided to be softer on my body in the past two years, have not worked out for a long time, just stretched and danced, lost a lot of muscle, also started to have a small belly. Although I usually don't seem to mind, when my friend suddenly used her body so much, I panicked for a moment, as if my body was no longer attractive, as if my not working out was laziness, a sign that I was no longer disciplined.

The crab calls, "You have to kindly discourage her from working out, pull her into the same mindset as you, so it's safe!"

The good news is that once you realize "I've turned into a crab," it's not hard to cope.

The crab exists only to protect itself from attack or contempt - which, of course, may well be the crab's imagined attack and contempt.

More importantly, what each pair of crab pincers protects is a purely good intention, such as R wanting to spend more time with himself, or me wanting to accept my body and my lifestyle - ultimately loving myself, isn't it?

Thinking that my needs and the other person's needs were not in conflict, the crab claws were slowly being put away.

So I told my friend, "I trust your coach to be a professional and will not take you down the same detours I did. I will refrain from blindly pointing fingers and from tempting you when you need to go on a diet."

As R also said to me, "Your passion for creating touches me, and I have a lot of desire for expression myself, and I want to share it with you."

It turns out that the crab's presence is an invitation to turn the self-defensive "I don't want you to be better than me" into "Just because I don't do what you do doesn't mean I'm bad; I love myself and I wish you what you want", in short. ---

"You're fine, I'm fine."