Thoughts on Vocal and the way the world is

"Death cannot stop true love, only delay it." – Wesley in The Princess Bride.

I decided to come back to Vocal on a very cold and dark night at the end of December. I had been, and still am, convalescing from a horrible staph infection that had gone misdiagnosed for months. This, paired with the increasing challenges of being healthy, making the best choices for my co-parented child, being a wife, and being a director at a new job, was a lot to manage.

Coincidentally, I had been finding myself frequently thinking of my novel characters and their lives, mindlessly remembering at times that not only had I finished a novel, but I had three children’s books published. And yet, I felt stuck. Not quite standing still, but not moving either, as if the rooms around me were slowly filling with honey… or even silly putty. I was being held in place by different substances, yearning to be free and do more. Like a fossil, I was stagnant, waiting to be discovered.

Opening my laptop, I thought of my friend Stephen and wondered what he had written recently. I decided to log into Vocal once more. It felt accidental, but it was not. Something in me had been waiting to wake up. It was as if I had activated a sleeper agent, because before I knew it, I was signing back up for Vocal+. I did not even fully comprehend what I had done until I noticed that every day, I came back and wrote, even if it was only one or two things.

Some days, the words poured out in haikus and in random other formats. I felt a weight lifting off my chest as I realized how much I loved to say anything at all. I noticed a shift in the words, a nod to my former self, yet I was someone else entirely.

While some days I lament that I have not yet made a top story, I also hold the truth that not everything is meant to be one. There is freedom in knowing you have time and free will, and that you are more than capable of using them, despite what people around you may think. You can be a great writer and go unnoticed. You can share your thoughts and your links and receive no clicks. But you took the chance. Time passes anyway. You might as well offer yourself to the world in the best way you know how.

I have carried this new sense of freedom into posting more on Instagram as well, and I have to say, when you remove the discontent and second-guessing from sharing, the world becomes brighter and much bigger.

I recently read a poem that said something along the lines of “art and poems are the point,” and it made me think of Rent the Musical when they say, “The opposite of war is not peace, it’s creation.” We are taught that to create, we must make money, that without profit we are not productive, and that without likes and comments we are not worthwhile. This is simply not true. You are worthwhile. Anything you make is worthwhile. The art you create is something the world needs. Even if it speaks only to you, it has already been worth it.

I think of the younger version of myself, the Jazmine who was sensitive and unable to share her feelings. Every day, I give that version of me a quiet hug when I finally find the words she never could. I now have my own small mirror of myself in my child, and I want to model for her that creating is our rebellion in a world that seems to value everything else.

We are the challengers of these notions. For myself and for my daughter, I will not let this be taken away by insecurity. I was once my own worst enemy. Now, even when I stand alone, I am my own cheerleader.