When You See a Sign, Follow Where It Memes

Hey, there! I'm....

_______Lightning Bolt⚡

👋😁⚡

This is a Brand-New January 31st, 2025 edition of Meme-ing Madness!

I worked especially hard to pull all this crap together for you. There were cats in my way. There is terrible heartbreak to deal with. There are currently virtually no Diablo sauce packets in the house. I think I may have solved the mystery of the Big Bang... and nobody wants to hear about it.

It's always something.

But I'm here to make your life better.

The laughs are on me!

First, let me get the (sub)standard Hazard Precautions out of the way....

\\\___W A R N I N G___

If you've been warned about something before, consider yourself warned about it again <---{ And that is an extra warning about redundancies}. I've got profanities, vulgarities, and obscenities, as usual. The salaciousness is sensational, savory, and synergistic.

There's a heller strong chance you'll fall in lust with me because of my superb sense of humor. Nothing new there.

If you're a supervillain, you are in for a bruising. If you are a damsel in distress, have hope. If you have a power outage, it wasn't me. If you need consoling, I'm not qualified. If you need a thunderclap in bed, I'm overqualified. ⚡😉👍 Call me.

Expect horrible puns, terrible spelliing, odd punctuation/>", eye-popping beauty, stomach-turning ugliness, and possible unsaved changes. I'll get under your skin, but not necessarily under your fingernails. I am tuna intolerant; I'm Taco Bell addicted. I'm totally uncivilized if provoked. I'm often provoked by comments & commas, but leave them anyway { if you're brave enough}.

No harm will come to you or your pets. I make no guarantees about your third cousins.

If you see shit like this ⚡😁👇 👉gherwhgaouresafdowingas98054volaisjjd 👈 it's likely because Midnight, my cat walked across the keyboard and I'm too lazy to backspace. (He may be black and annoying, but he gets upset if you call him an agent of the devil.)

If you have emotional baggage, I'll unpack it. If you're determined to manipulate me: bring it!

The way to my soul is through my zipper!

Be careful how you handle me, or I'll season your nerves like gregarious garlic nacho nectar fries.

Al'ight! That's it! ///

We will now commence with the wackiness!

Hide your funny bone or the strain might break it!

Everything presented today is a....

....................... Sign.

⚡_______________________ ⚡

#1) — Feeling Like a Whopper

Can you believe it?

They say Tom's funeral was catered by McDonalds!

Fuck that bitch!

It was partially Tom's disloyalty that landed him in the deep fryer in the first place.

⚡_______________________ ⚡

#2) — Feeling No Need for Additional Training

We all already know that training video ends with threats. One person's "making love" is another person's "shoved in".

{ Adam didn't pull through either. Make certain you continue to wear your gloves. No time will be given off. }

⚡_______________________ ⚡

#3) — For Those of Us Unafraid of Spiders

Let's break down this entire sign.

I mean.... <wincing>

That spider shit is dead-on!!!

We believe the same thing in my house!

🕸️ Solidarity! 🕷️ 🕸️🕸️🕸️ 🫡

{ Don't worry; I'm not a billionaire so no Nazi salutes will be given here.}

"Birds are fine... I guess."

<wincing again> I kinda like chicken as an alternative to beef... on occasion... but honestly the best thing about KFC is the mashed potatoes and gravy.

And does anyone eat turkey except a couple times a year? I see it sliced up in the deli section at Walmart, but I never grab it.

Sure, my sentiment isn't all that different, but I am a writer. I do believe precision is necessary to properly communicate. So instead of saying "Birds are fine... I guess," I'd say, "Birds are tolerable as long as they don't shit on cars or mailboxes, and provided they remain eatable a few times a year."

In this house, we believe all humans are legal, especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Plants are sentient, yes, but they are totally apathetic about humans as long as we don't maim them.

Where is this house getting these ideas? The residents must live in an entirely different country than I do.

"The moon is a crime"?

<wincing again>

Okay, maybe, yeah, I could agree with that. But at best (worst?) it's a misdemeanor.

And think it through!

How are you going to serve it an arrest warrant?

And if you deem it a federal crime, where you gonna jail it?

How are you going to prosecute it in a court of law?

It's supposed to be tried before a "jury of its peers", right? Well, wouldn't that mean we need to bring in Phobos and Deimos and Ganymede and Calisto and, like, twelve of them total?

How do you choose which twelve to put on the jury? Saturn alone has 146 moons!!!

I'm not saying Luna should get away with criminal activity but be realistic. Trying to convict it under our form of justice is simply impractical!

Whoever lives in that house👆is probably drunk.

The thing, though, that troubles me most about that sign👆 is what it doesn't say. That's always how it works, isn't it?

The greater Truth lies in the omissions.

You know the thing we believe in most in my house?

SEX!

There. As usual, I show my vulnerability in my stories.

🥹

⚡_______________ ⚡

#4) — Feeling Discriminated Against 😡

This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Think it through. If they are allowing three bottoms per person, but no tops at all... who's the person those bottoms are in there for?

⚡🤔

Oh! I suppose the three bottoms could be in there for a versatile.

Still... what does this establishment have against tops!?!?

Don't you think I wouldn't try being a versatile or bottom if I could? That would open up a lot more options for me.

I'm just not built that way, okay? I'm already bisexual. I do the best I can.

How would they even know if I was a top and not a bottom?

And that stuff about only allowing a certain number per day? Do they have an official interviewer outside this room to determine exactly who's a bottom?

This rule needs tested!

And I'm just the top to do it! ⚡😁👍

⚡_______________ ⚡

#5) — Looking for Support from Others Who are Well Hung

First, they were coming at me because of my preferred sexual position. Now they wanna discriminate against me because of my exceptional hardware?

I mean... not everyone calls me a horse but all those bottoms in the fitting room certainly did!

Try to charge me "cleaning costs" all you want!

I'll __charge you right back! ⚡⚡

⚡_______________ ⚡

#6) — Feeling Especially BIG

{Slipping Away Momentarily From the Signs Into an Unadulterated Sex Meme; my bad.}

My wish had nothing to do with the size of my superheroic cock! It was perfectly fine before that dirty fart of a djinn messed with it!

I wished for something entirely different.

But you'll figure that out eventually.

⚡😎👍

#GivingUSumthin2Look4ward2 #BackToSigns

⚡_______________ ⚡

#6) — Feeling Defiant

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Too late!!!

⚡__________________ ⚡

Pausing...

⚡🤔 .....

⚡🤔 ....

⚡🤔 ..

⚡🤷

I'll never fully understand why Vocal has both a Psyche Community and a Writers Community.

It's confusing.

⚡_______________ ⚡

#7) — For Those of Us Who Remain Gleefully Unenlightened

Science is always trying to illuminate things. 😡 It should mind its own fucking business.

A lot of great things happen in the dark.

⚡__________________ ⚡

Unexpected violent W A R N ING!!!

The life you save may be your own!

Wait!

No.....

But...

You know that warning 👆 comes from Elon Musk or someone equally sinister.

You're in love with that phone.

Breaking its screen would be like smashing your own eye out.

Some warnings aren't meant for you (0r your kin), just like the one at the top of this story.

DO NOT break that screen!

Okay.

Never mind.

The warning is rescinded.

You can sleep easy tonight knowing your cellphone is safe... from yourself.

⚡_______________ ⚡

#8) — Feeling Tasty

How do those zookeepers know that they won't lick me with their exceptionally long tongues?

I'll take my chances.

⚡__________________ ⚡

NOT a sign so much as a friendly reminder...

Also...

... those are someone else's monkeys.

We only have these clothes on because there was nothing else to wear.

I'm blue and you're green.

We voted for the sane candidate.

That falcon had it coming!

And most imp0rtantly: VOCAL MADE US DO IT!

⚡_______________ ⚡

#9) — For Those of Us Needing Extra Tight Hugs

Are you even aware how creepy Steely Dan can be?

I'm not telling a joke here. This section is just educational.

It is just me or is it surprising that Cthulhu likes A/C? ⚡🤔

I figured him for an entity who likes the heat.

🤷‍♂️

⚡__________________ ⚡

#10) — For The Thieves

The sign says it's for "Christ Church", but I personally think that's a sham.

That's for Cthulhu's Church!

All the Seven Deadly Sins are encouraged by Cthulhu! Worshippers can steal those cellphones with approbation!

I'll bet ya that's what that vaguely anthropoid monster was doing in that car, besides listening to Steely Dan.

He was probably illegally fencing all the stuff purloined at his (disguised) 'Christian' temple.

⚡_______________ ⚡

#11) — For Those on The Team Who Still Need More Clarity

This wasn't in my contract anymoreso than the jackals in the breakroom. I'll do it when I feel like it with no accountability yesterday and today unfortunately but we'll all forget about it at 2:00 and be fine again before noon so long as no one fucks with me.

You're welcome,

__the Electricity

⚡_______________ ⚡

#12) — For Those of You Think Nature is Good For You (which is questionable)

Also...

The weed will make you laugh. 😂🤣

The onions will make you cry. 😢😭💦

The peppers will make you sweat. 😢🥵🔥

The beans will make you fart.😶‍🌫️ 💨💨💨💨

And when they were displaced from this garden to Burger King, the resentful tomatoes actually helped to kill Tom!

🍅🍅🍅🍅🔥🔥🔥🫠🔥🔥🔥🫕💀☠️🫕😨😞

No time will be given off the vine for anyone's dicing.

Thanks!

Until next time...

______________ Bolt ⚡

More!