Family
A letter to you
Dear Ma, For a long time, I was angry at you. Not just a, you said something I didn't like, angry or a, I wanted something and you said no angry. But a, you were never there angry. An empty, overwhelming void in the pit of my stomach angry where my abandonment issues developed. I remember one isntance where I was at Donna’s house, sitting up in bed, it was a bunk bed, I was on the top, crying for you and you were nowhere to be found. John, your husband at the time, Donna’s son and my father, or so i thought, was screaming at me to 'Shut the fuck up!". Which only made things worse. I remember him grabbing me ears and holding me against the wall, in trouble like always for reasons i couldn't fathom. Being sick to the point where both ends felt like they were throwing up, alone in the bathroom with only a baiting suit to wear. You both were there physically, asleep in the motel room we lived in. You’r bodies present but your minds were always elsewhere. I think I was 6.
By Samantha Madera4 years ago in Confessions
Breaking Generational Cycles
We can never choose who our parents are, or our siblings. In the youth of our lives, we are so ungrateful. I do not mean to keep forgiving toxic relatives. No, your mental health is very important. What I am saying is we can choose how we parent. If we had parents who maybe weren't the best parents. We have control over how often we see our siblings. I am preaching that if you came from nothing you still have the time to do anything. When I was a little girl I learned right away I did not want to be like my older brothers. I do not want to worry my mother I never did. I figured she was probably too busy worrying about the boys anyway. I learned a few do's and dont's from my mother. For example, I enjoy one glass of wine before bed, or even two if it's been a hard day. That is enough for me. From my father, I learned I do not want to be absent. I want to be a parent they can count on to be there. Life has not been a smooth ride for me. I did learn a lot though. I learned so much about my own strength and my own gusto to keep pushing forward regardless of what is ahead of me or not. It's just so vague everything I am saying. I know bear with me. If you are depressed or sad or even just young and lost right now. I wanted to tell you it's okay. I remember wishing so hard for a new family, for a mother who was there all the time. For brothers who loved and respected their little sister. I would wish until my eyes were so watery for a father that wanted his daughter. Then I became a mom. As a parent from the outside looking in it is so hard to navigate through life. Then on top of that to have to raise children. I feel so much empathy now for my folks, I didn't know they were just trying to do the best they could with what they had. I do admit maybe they could have done better but then who would I be today? As for my brothers, they could have been nicer to me. I guarantee though now more than anything if I called one of them up to say some guy felt me up at a bar, that guy would get a beating. When we are young everything seems like the end of the world. Especially if you're in your early twenties. That's the hardest you're just figuring out who you are, what you like what you don't like. It seems like everyone has an opinion of you and what you should be doing. I'm here to tell you to do what you would rather be doing because at the end of the day it's just you and yourself. When you do get older you start to notice your mom getting older too and you almost lose sight of what is important, our lives our families our moms. Life is hard it never gets easier but we can be kind to our parents and our siblings. Take what resonated with you, if nothing did at all. Learn this phrase and live by it. I promise it will save you a whole lot of stress and anxiety " it is what it is, and it ain't what it ain't ".
By Martisha Montemayor4 years ago in Confessions
Chapter Four
I say typical but it’s not. I was at this point grown I’d already lived what seemed like 29 years of life or more maybe. I had been dragged through a living hell. I was a family disappointment many of them never met Blake and I’m glad. But they knew our trouble and it left me with losing many friends and family when I became pregnant. When I found out I truly couldn’t believe it. I knew for a fact my baby had been put in me for a reason and I found that reason to be why I’m still able to write my story today. The day I found out I was pregnant I was ready to end it all. But those prominent lines cleared my head and made me realize now was my time to find my purpose. I wasn’t going to college I graduated I was lost and now pregnant. I tried so hard to fix my relationship with Blake I got an apartment moved him in and that led to of course more damage. Cops were called several times due to his behavior and actions. We would get kicked out of restaurants family places anywhere if I even looked at a man or vise versus it was over and he had black eyes ready to kill. I was kicked out of my apartment. I moved in with my mom and tried to get a restraining order. This took a lot finally he attacked me in public and I was able to get a TRO (temporary restraining order) but silly me and emotional me didn’t wanna be alone. So yet again him leaving me with no family or friends I had nothing but him. Even together I was alone even together I was slowly dragging through flames. But I stayed “ for my son” I went into labor December 20th. I got a rental house and while in labor he and my best friend moved us in and I thought. Maybe just maybe when our son makes his arrival it will all change. He will change. Boy was I wrong yet again. Fast forward to Christmas Eve I’m getting some really bad contractions so my mom and sister take me to the hospital while he is god knows where. 8 hours later they send me home around midnight being 3 cm dilated. 6 am of Christmas morning I’m not longer able the take the pain I beg my mom to take me to the hospital and she does 6:45 I’m now 9 cm dilated Can’t get ahold of Blake and I’m there with my mom sister and his parents I was cutting it for the epidural but I told those doctors without it there would be no baby. Thankfully I was able to get my epidural and I was relaxed and so ready to meet my baby boy. Blake showed up around 11:30 and I wanted to just wait and have an hour to be just myself for the last time. He proceeded to kick everyone out to be just him, I and the staff. After 3.5 hours at 3:08 my baby boy arrives. My world in my hands I’ve never felt a love so great even while the nurses are rearranging my guts and a doctor is stiching me up. The world stopped. I don’t remember much I passed out for a few minutes. Cps came in while Blake was gone and asked if I was okay and asked if I was safe. I lied. I failed. Blake left for damn near the whole time we were in the hospital because he wasn’t comfortable. Leaving me to be with his family as he wouldn’t allow mine. I stayed in the hospital for three days. Just wanting to go home. After his family and the staff not leaving us alone. But you guessed it. It’s never that easy I call Blake that we’re finally ready to leave and he rushed me to be faster and get out quicker because he doesn’t want to be there. So I get taken down to the car and what do I see, my gas tank I filled so it would be ready for baby boy to come home completely empty the car seat uninstalled and come to find out he drained my bank accounts and was at the casino and out with women while I was in the hospital. We get to our house to find expected visitors to him and not for me. His parents yet again and they decided to over welcome their stay. 3 days after my son was born he was arrested at a bar for assault and public intoxication and underage drinking. He threatened me that if I didn’t bail him out he would kill me and take my son. So I did which I’m still paying for. Fast forward he gets home and gets angry at me and kicks me right in my stiches. Right in front of his family I dropped crying and bleeding and they did nothing. My family wasn’t allowed in my home thanks to Blake and a week later he left to meet up with friends I packed my baby my dogs and as many belongings I could and left. I went to my moms feeling like a failure and scared of what he was going to do next. I finally started to tell my mom events that had happened. I tried so hard to keep him away but he would nonstop threaten me that he’d break in while I’m sleeping and take my son. Now there was no custody order so legally I couldn’t keep his son from him. When my son turned 3 months old Blake asked me to meet him for lunch so he could see my son before “leaving out of town for a week for work” I took a friend with me knowing I couldn’t trust him. We met at Red Robin. He was rude and would follow my rules and threw a fit. Before we got our drinks I decided it was a bad idea we had met up and we went to leave. He followed us tried to rip my son from my arms as soon as we walked out. My friend and I stopped him and went to my car which he followed again. Only this time he shoved me into my car ripped my son from my arms I started screaming so people would notice, he ran to his truck opened the driver door tossed my son into the passenger seat mind you front seat no car seat three months old he’s crying barely able to breathe from laying on his back in the seat and choking on his own spit. I got between him and the door getting kicked anywhere he can reach to try and take off but I wouldn’t let it. I caused a scene 15 people came running over standing in front of the truck blocking him in calling police who showed up quickly to only let him continue holding my son while he’s still bawling. His mom shows up and takes my son from him and the police won’t let me have him. Finally hours later they arrest him and I get my son back and another TRO. This time I knew. This was it I had to protect my son and not only myself. There was no excuse in the world that would allow me to ever be around him again.
By BOBBI JAMES4 years ago in Confessions
Chapter One
The beginning. I’m not sure when the beginning is because to be quite honest I don’t remember much of anything from my childhood. I am almost certain it’s my trauma response to forget it all. I was brought into a world of chaos. This is very different for everyone but I’m here to share my story and maybe find myself and my true meaning. Make sense of everything that’s happened and why. This will be a rough and confusing ride but I hope it will in some way help someone else. So here we are you’ve gotten this far and I hope you stay. I’ve never expressed everything I’ve gone through and honestly, so many have absolutely no idea even my closest people in my life. So if you or someone you know I hope this can help and I hope we all can learn and become our strongest best version of ourselves.
By BOBBI JAMES4 years ago in Confessions
Mothers Day Confession
HEY MOM, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE BUT.. Remember the Saturday mornings back in 2004 when the golden sun poured through the kitchen window of the open plan kitchen, and you would yell at us if we made noise before 7am, so I learned how to make pancakes. By the time I was Eight, I was cooking pancakes for the Family at 8am every morning ALL BY MY SELF.
By Selena Brooks4 years ago in Confessions
I Forgive You
Dear Mom, I never had the chance to say I forgive you… My biggest secret is I forgive you for your misunderstanding of me. I was always a wild and free spirit dancing circles around you. Maybe as I grew up and lived my own life and had children of my own, just maybe you didn’t have the nerve to object to my free will. My free will spirit that would not conform to societies rules and norms. I forgive you for not knowing me for the beautiful and strong woman I am today. I forgive you for not taking the time and effort to know how I have changed and matured. I forgive you for assuming I was still that child dancing in circles. I forgive you for not realizing the pain you caused when you ghosted me those three long years ago. I forgive you for taking my child from me, not knowing how this brought me to my knees and for not knowing about the many nights I cried myself to sleep.
By Rachael Parnis4 years ago in Confessions
Dear Mama
Dear mom, There are so many things I wish I could put into words just to let you know how much you mean to me. You’ve been there through it all, the good, the bad, the ups and down, every single stage of my life. My emo phase, my pop Princess phase, my teenage attitude crazy phase, my don’t talk to me phase, just to name a few. You were also there for me through my huge move to another state away from all my family and friends, my pregnancy, giving birth to my first baby girl, walking me down the aisle at my wedding, and every other huge life event I can think of. I look back at my teenage years and how I treated you and act like I knew everything. Damn, I really knew nothing. You were always so patient with me and handled me with such care. I remember going through a really difficult depressive phase in my life. All I wanted to do was drink and smoke weed and do drugs all the time with my friends. It’s the only thing that ever took the pain away from the resentment I had towards my dad and the stress of my relationship with him. It was my only escape from reality and everything going on in my head. I did something really stupid that I would never forgive myself for. Looking back at it I didn’t think it was a huge deal or meant anything, but now as a grown adult I’m like how dare I have done that. Me and my friends would scrounge up whatever we could for money just for the night to party and have fun. We went as far as taking things and pawning them just to get some money for our crazy shenanigans. I remember taking your “L” gold initial necklace that I believe my dad gifted you. I pawned it and never looked back. I never heard you talk about it or ask about it, but I still regret it til this day and feel like shit about it. I went back one day soon after to try and buy it back, but it was gone. It’s probably one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done, but I hope you can forgive me. I would give you the world and definitely another L necklace. Love you mom, and I’m sorry! I hope I’m still your favorite.
By vetzabe rivera4 years ago in Confessions
IN HER IMAGE
Dear Mommy, I was sitting here looking at my reflection in the mirror, examining all of my facial features. But I can't see you. I see my absent father in my face. Yet I don't see you. I need to see you in me, but I just can't find you. And it has me thinking about something I did a few years ago. I think it's time I confessed something to you. I wanted to tell you months ago, but I didn't want to stress you. You were already dealing with so much, and I didn't want to lay anymore weight on your mind. I think it will be ok now since that weight has been lifted. I feel we are both in a better place, so this won't cause any harm to our relationship. Mommy, as you know, I have been battling depression for years. Because of this, I have really started analyzing my life. In doing so, I have realized that we have a lot of things in common. Although they are not very positive things, they do link us together. Some may call it generational curses. I believe you would also call it the same. The more I talked with you and heard about what you had been through in your life, the more I realized how many similarities we've shared. It wouldn't be an issue if it were positive things, but we share too many heartaches, tragedies and mistakes. I don't understand why this is. My sisters have great lives, but you and I have not lived a fairytale. I get so frustrated when I hear you complain about your husband. Then it dawned on me, your complaints about your marriage sounded similar to my own. When I confided in you about my weight loss struggles, you reminded me of your own struggle with your weight. When I confessed how I had no self-esteem, you let me know how you too sometimes felt insecure. I used to wonder why you never took me to therapy or a counselor after discovering I had been violated. Then I found out you were also violated, and your mother did nothing to help you either. So how could you have understood that I needed therapy? I couldn't understand why you almost always chose the most questionable and unattractive men to be with, daddy excluded of course. Especially when you are so beautiful. Then I realized I too have done the same. I'm always choosing the lowest valued men, because I felt unworthy of better. You and I both were once married to good men, but we self-sabotaged ourselves right out of those marriages. We both went on to then marry men who we should never have given a first look, let alone a second. I admit my marriage is not as toxic as yours, but neither of them is up to the levels that either of us desired in a marriage. You and I have battled addictions, mine being food and well you know what you have battled with. So, as you see, I couldn't find anything positive in our similarities. I felt like I may be too much like you, in a negative way. Perhaps because I am the eldest of your children, I inherited all of the bad traits and my sisters were left with the good. So, I felt all I could do was pray for a change. I prayed that the generational curses that link you and me would be broken. I prayed that I wouldn't continue to make the same mistakes as you have made. I prayed that God would destroy all the negative traits I have inherited from you and my biological father. I prayed that the generational links that carry the traits which I feel have prohibited me from being a better mother, wife and daughter would be broken. I prayed that I wouldn't travel down your same path. I know it sounds horrible. Maybe you think I am ashamed of you, but I am not. I said those prayers because I didn't want you to be ashamed of me. I didn't want to remind you of your errors in life. I already feel as though I am the reason you didn't get to pursue your dreams as a teen. So, I didn't want to be a constant reminder of all that was wrong in your life. I prayed to be better so I can make you proud. I prayed to be better so I can heal and live a life that is worthy of your smiles and praises. I feel that I have never been the daughter that made you happy. I have disappointed you so many times. And no gift that I gave you was good enough or big enough to make up for my transgressions against you. Couple that with the fact that I look so much like my biological father, which makes me a reminder of the abuse you suffered at his hands. I also never got a college degree or married a doctor like my middle sister. I was never an honor student or had the most beautiful daughter who is also an honor student like my baby sister. I am just the high school dropout who had two children out of wedlock, and they are too much like you and me. So, you see I had to pray. I had to try to break the curse. I wanted you to like me too. I wanted you also to be proud of me. I wanted to feel like the daughter you wanted, and not just the one you tolerated. I never knew that when I prayed that prayer, you would be gone in less than two years. I just wanted the negative generational links broken. I just wanted all the sadness and disappointment to disappear. I didn't want you to disappear, I still need you. I wanted to see you live the good life that you were robbed of. I needed you to see me get better. I wanted you to see me accomplish my dreams and make you proud. I'd hoped to finally feel that you and I can have a relationship built on love and not just biology. But it's too late now. I said that darn prayer, but I think maybe God misunderstood me. The bad links weren't broken, and yet you were still taken from us. We laid your body to rest about ten months ago. However, it's been one year since I took you to the doctor and discovered you had stage four lung cancer and only had weeks to live. I brought you home with me. My sisters and I took care of you together. I sometimes think you were only happy at my home, because my sisters came to stay with us. I know I wasn't your first choice of daughters you wanted to stay with, but I was the best choice for once in our life together. You lived for 63 days after your diagnosis. You transcended while in my home, surrounded by my two sisters, daddy and me. Yes, your ex-husband who was the one true love of your life was there. You were 63 years old, and I had 63 days to tell you all of this, but I didn't want to be the one who once again caused you stress and sorrow. So, I said nothing. You transcended and the only part of my prayer that has been answered is the negative generational link between you and I is no more. The funny thing is, with all that we have in common, I still don't look like you. However, I am like you. I don't mean just the negative parts. I'm referring to my creativity. Being creative is the biggest and best part of me, and I get that from you. I never really saw it before, but I see it now. You have always been so creative in everything you do, from cooking, to styling our hair as children and decorating your home. Even the way you landscaped your yard was so creative. Mommy, I was so focused on all of the negative, I never noticed that I see you all around me. I am always creating something, so I see you in my artwork, I see you in clothes I design and videos that I create. I see you in my poetry and the stories I have written. Every time I create something, I see you. How could I ever have prayed to not be like you? I thank God that you are my mom. Rest in Heaven mommy. I love you.
By L. McCrary 4 years ago in Confessions
Dear Mom
Dear Mom. I never told you this before, but it was me… it was me It is a memory that both haunts and encourages me, that reminded me you do not say things simply because they sound nice or because you feel they are the right things to say - like you had always said (and I promptly forgot) it is your job to lead us to the river, but it is up to us to decide if we should drink.
By sara4 years ago in Confessions
