Dear D

Dear D,

I don’t know how to refer to you anymore. All I ever wanted was your love, but all I ever got was your criticism and distaste. I waited for years….

I strived for perfection in hopes that I would somehow finally be enough for you.

Straight A’s.

National Honor Society.

Full ride scholarship to college.

Constant positivity.

None of it was enough. Nothing I have ever done has been enough to earn your unconditional love.

I remember the first time you decided you didn’t want to see me. I was just a child. I was so afraid of the anger in your eyes simply because I wanted to stay with my grandmother while my mom was in the hospital.

Months went by and you decided to see me again, but it didn’t last long. For years, you went back and forth. One moment you wanted to be apart of my life and the next you wanted nothing to do with me. Yet, when I did something that you found brag worthy, you always accredited yourself. How could you be responsible for my successes when you barely had anything to do with me?

At eleven, I admitted to being sexually abused by my grandmother’s husband. My mom was furious. You decided to take his word over mine and what was written on the police report. I’ll never forget the day you yelled at my mom telling her that she had created a “monster.” You were supposed to pick me up for a visit that day, but you didn’t. Instead, you made it clear that you were not going to support me when I needed you most. I didn’t see or hear from you again until I was a freshman in high school.

During my freshman year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. You had already willingly relinquished you parental rights claiming that you wanted nothing to do with me because you worked with the public and I could ruin your reputation. You still deny this. Even though, I have seen the documentation from the court hearing that proves your exact wording and the termination of your parental rights. However, my mom still reached out to you in hopes that you would be there for me should she lose her fight with cancer. When you thought that she was dying, everything was okay. You were nice to her and to me, but when she officially beat the cancer, you went back to your old habits. You didn’t want anything to do with me yet again.

Fast forward to present day…

You still have nothing to do with me, and you don’t help me in anyway. However, there is a difference because now I know that being a father and a dad are two different things. Yes you gathered me in the sense that you contributed half of my genetic make up, but you were not and still are not my dad. No. I reserve the title of dad for the amazing man who stepped up to the plate to raise a little girl who he had no obligation to and treated her as if he were his own.

I wish you nothing but happiness in life, but I no longer seek your love and acceptance. I have come to accept the fact that you were never meant to be my dad because you were incapable of filling those shoes. I am thankful for your role in giving me life, but I know I owe you nothing.

Love always,

The Daughter You Didn’t Raise