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IN HER IMAGE

I prayed to not be like you...

By L. McCrary Published 4 years ago 6 min read
In her Image

Dear Mommy,

I was sitting here looking at my reflection in the mirror, examining all of my facial features. But I can't see you. I see my absent father in my face. Yet I don't see you. I need to see you in me, but I just can't find you. And it has me thinking about something I did a few years ago. I think it's time I confessed something to you. I wanted to tell you months ago, but I didn't want to stress you. You were already dealing with so much, and I didn't want to lay anymore weight on your mind. I think it will be ok now since that weight has been lifted. I feel we are both in a better place, so this won't cause any harm to our relationship. Mommy, as you know, I have been battling depression for years. Because of this, I have really started analyzing my life. In doing so, I have realized that we have a lot of things in common. Although they are not very positive things, they do link us together. Some may call it generational curses. I believe you would also call it the same. The more I talked with you and heard about what you had been through in your life, the more I realized how many similarities we've shared. It wouldn't be an issue if it were positive things, but we share too many heartaches, tragedies and mistakes. I don't understand why this is. My sisters have great lives, but you and I have not lived a fairytale. I get so frustrated when I hear you complain about your husband. Then it dawned on me, your complaints about your marriage sounded similar to my own. When I confided in you about my weight loss struggles, you reminded me of your own struggle with your weight. When I confessed how I had no self-esteem, you let me know how you too sometimes felt insecure. I used to wonder why you never took me to therapy or a counselor after discovering I had been violated. Then I found out you were also violated, and your mother did nothing to help you either. So how could you have understood that I needed therapy? I couldn't understand why you almost always chose the most questionable and unattractive men to be with, daddy excluded of course. Especially when you are so beautiful. Then I realized I too have done the same. I'm always choosing the lowest valued men, because I felt unworthy of better. You and I both were once married to good men, but we self-sabotaged ourselves right out of those marriages. We both went on to then marry men who we should never have given a first look, let alone a second. I admit my marriage is not as toxic as yours, but neither of them is up to the levels that either of us desired in a marriage. You and I have battled addictions, mine being food and well you know what you have battled with. So, as you see, I couldn't find anything positive in our similarities. I felt like I may be too much like you, in a negative way. Perhaps because I am the eldest of your children, I inherited all of the bad traits and my sisters were left with the good. So, I felt all I could do was pray for a change. I prayed that the generational curses that link you and me would be broken. I prayed that I wouldn't continue to make the same mistakes as you have made. I prayed that God would destroy all the negative traits I have inherited from you and my biological father. I prayed that the generational links that carry the traits which I feel have prohibited me from being a better mother, wife and daughter would be broken. I prayed that I wouldn't travel down your same path. I know it sounds horrible. Maybe you think I am ashamed of you, but I am not. I said those prayers because I didn't want you to be ashamed of me. I didn't want to remind you of your errors in life. I already feel as though I am the reason you didn't get to pursue your dreams as a teen. So, I didn't want to be a constant reminder of all that was wrong in your life. I prayed to be better so I can make you proud. I prayed to be better so I can heal and live a life that is worthy of your smiles and praises. I feel that I have never been the daughter that made you happy. I have disappointed you so many times. And no gift that I gave you was good enough or big enough to make up for my transgressions against you. Couple that with the fact that I look so much like my biological father, which makes me a reminder of the abuse you suffered at his hands. I also never got a college degree or married a doctor like my middle sister. I was never an honor student or had the most beautiful daughter who is also an honor student like my baby sister. I am just the high school dropout who had two children out of wedlock, and they are too much like you and me. So, you see I had to pray. I had to try to break the curse. I wanted you to like me too. I wanted you also to be proud of me. I wanted to feel like the daughter you wanted, and not just the one you tolerated. I never knew that when I prayed that prayer, you would be gone in less than two years. I just wanted the negative generational links broken. I just wanted all the sadness and disappointment to disappear. I didn't want you to disappear, I still need you. I wanted to see you live the good life that you were robbed of. I needed you to see me get better. I wanted you to see me accomplish my dreams and make you proud. I'd hoped to finally feel that you and I can have a relationship built on love and not just biology. But it's too late now. I said that darn prayer, but I think maybe God misunderstood me. The bad links weren't broken, and yet you were still taken from us. We laid your body to rest about ten months ago. However, it's been one year since I took you to the doctor and discovered you had stage four lung cancer and only had weeks to live. I brought you home with me. My sisters and I took care of you together. I sometimes think you were only happy at my home, because my sisters came to stay with us. I know I wasn't your first choice of daughters you wanted to stay with, but I was the best choice for once in our life together. You lived for 63 days after your diagnosis. You transcended while in my home, surrounded by my two sisters, daddy and me. Yes, your ex-husband who was the one true love of your life was there. You were 63 years old, and I had 63 days to tell you all of this, but I didn't want to be the one who once again caused you stress and sorrow. So, I said nothing. You transcended and the only part of my prayer that has been answered is the negative generational link between you and I is no more. The funny thing is, with all that we have in common, I still don't look like you. However, I am like you. I don't mean just the negative parts. I'm referring to my creativity. Being creative is the biggest and best part of me, and I get that from you. I never really saw it before, but I see it now. You have always been so creative in everything you do, from cooking, to styling our hair as children and decorating your home. Even the way you landscaped your yard was so creative. Mommy, I was so focused on all of the negative, I never noticed that I see you all around me. I am always creating something, so I see you in my artwork, I see you in clothes I design and videos that I create. I see you in my poetry and the stories I have written. Every time I create something, I see you. How could I ever have prayed to not be like you? I thank God that you are my mom. Rest in Heaven mommy. I love you.

Family

About the Creator

L. McCrary

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