In My Life

We have been asked to

"Share a transformative moment from your mental or emotional journey"

and to be honest, I have had several in my life, so I will share a few that have happened to me and either changed my beliefs or strengthened them. As time passes, we should learn from things and use them to help ourselves move forward.

This talks a lot about death and funerals so if that bothers you please go no further, I don't want to upset anybody.

When I was about nine, I dreamed that my dad had died and woke up crying, but he was still there and his normal self. In fact, this year he celebrated his ninetieth birthday.

Around the same time my uncle became a ten pound pom and went to Australia after his mum, my maternal grandma died. He sent us letters and called us at Christmas, but the cost of the phone call was about ten pounds a minute, god knows what that would be now, well actually I don't.

Then I got to thinking I would never see my uncle again, he could have died, but I knew he was just on the other side of the world. This was almost fifty years before our digital communication meant we can talk and see people for a chat on the other side of the world.

Then this got me thinking about when we lose people, it just means that we can't touch them or talk to them, but I do believe that we continue on, but I have no concrete proof of that.

These things made it a lot easier about dealing with death, we can deal with it if we think (rightly or wrongly) that they have just left their body and gone elsewhere, although it is somewhere we can't follow, and then comes the sadness.

Grief is just the love you have that you can't share with the person you have that love for.

Thirty five years ago, I lost my mum to a stroke and cancer, she physically became old overnight, but I still love her and think about her every day, but there is no sadness in me, just joy in the happy memories and the love and encouragement that she showed me.

I always say I am the worst person to have at a funeral because I generally am not crying, just there to say goodbye and remember the good times and I love some to the music played at those gatherings such as "Living La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin and "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" by the Ramones.

Maybe I am just unfeeling and heartless, I don't know.

I think, while we are alive, we believe we are immortal or will be here for a very long time, I certainly think that of myself, even though several times I have felt very close to the reaper's scythe.

In the eighties I got hit with ITP, one of only two cases in the world at the time. I was scared I wouldn't get to see Juliet and Kirsty grow up. They were four and two at the time. As you know, the reaper missed me then, but this is what happened:

Two years before Juliet had been on the terminal ward in the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital, she had an Ovarian cyst. I stayed over at the hospital and my eyes were opened as parents with children with leukaemia and other cancers were telling me their children were going home cured. Juliet was a great fighter and recovered, and is having a wonderful life now.

In my second bout of ITP I had some issues and head scans revealed bleeding in the brain, but it stopped. That was twenty five years ago, but made me aware of how fragile life can be, but I follow medical advice to the letterish, and that is why I am still here now.

I have known people who say they won't follow advice and they are no longer with us.

When I was diagnosed with liver cancer, Kirsty and Fiona were upset, but Juliet, who has had a few melanomas, just bucked me up and said I would be OK, I was in the best place in the world for the treatment. Friends on Vocal and around the world gave me amazing support.

My surgeon spent an hour telling me everything that could go wrong, but we are of a similar age and he said "I intend to live way past a hundred and I expect you do too" I agreed with him.

All the way through the treatment I trusted the NHS and the people who looked after me and I have also looked after myself.

About ten years ago Fiona suggested I do the Diabetes Million Step Challenge. It was over three months, I didn't do it to raise money, but used it to set myself a target of eleven thousand steps a day. After a couple of years, I scaled that back to seven thousand a day but still often hit double that and sometimes three times that and often hit a million steps over three months.

I believe that really helped me in beating the cancer, because the surgeons had a reasonably fit body to work on, and that is the reason I keep doing that, just in case something else happens, but my intention is to be around for a very long time

Conclusion

I don't know if that initial dream and subsequent thinking gave me a more positive mindset. I always look for the good in situations. At funerals we remember the good things and good times.

I don't look for good in evil people and situations and at times can be unforgiving in the most extreme cases, but I am always open to reconciliation if mistakes have been made.

I know this has wandered quite a lot and if you have come this far thank you so much, and I hope I haven't upset you too much.