Doing the Wrong Things

I have been accused of doing the wrong things many times over my lifetime. And I agree that I have made a number of the wrong decisions.

But, when I needed to wash the smell off of me of the man who decided he wanted to do more than to just talk and lost evidence of what happened? That was not the wrong decision for me. I made the choice based on what would not have come out very well with a conversation with law enforcement. It didn't even come out well with the doctor to get the tests that I needed.

When I needed to stay in a very bad place in order to mitigate the negative effects that going to a women's shelter would have on my special needs kid? That was not the wrong decision for me. I made the choice centered around his best interests. I had thought that I protected him from seeing things that happened behind closed doors... I was wrong, but I still made the right decision.

When I let individuals talk me out of telling my story because it'd be too hard to prosecute due to me being schizophrenic and my reality being under question? That was the right decision at that point in time. I needed healing, not revenge. I needed to just be safe. I prioritized learning how to cope.

When I isolate from my friends and family because the weight of the world gets too much for me to hold? That is the right decision because I don't want to hurt other's with my pain. I am strong. I am resilient. I have a passion within me to help other's feel heard and seen, but that doesn't mean that I always want to feel seen - I don't mind being invisible some times.

The truly wrong decisions are made like when I desperately want to be held by someone I trust.

But, I don't call or text them to tell them.

Why? Because... I remember very clearly the last individual I trusted using what happened to let me know how pathetic and stupid I was. And... though I want to believe that this time is different, I am absolutely terrified of being vulnerable. So, instead I do what I have learned to do... I turn inward and let my spiders cuddle me. I don't know what people do for physical touch and comfort when they can't see, hear, and feel hallucinations. I guess I am glad for my good hallucinations... though I know my mental health team is not gonna be happy that I'd rather rely on the things in my head than to give people the chance to be there for me.

It may be wrong. It might be the worst mistake I can make. But, at least my spiders don't lie to me or use me or confuse me near as much as people and their actions & reactions confuse me.

Going internal is not recommended and I don't recommend it to any of my friends or family. But, I can't seem to take my own advice.

I worry about the physical stuff: the things that I will not have answers for another 17 days when I can actually get the tests done, the splint holding my wrist steady because I injured it fighting back, the slight bruising on my neck that I want to hide from the world, and the repercussions that I may face from waiting 18 hours to get medicine for one of the potential complications.

The emotional stuff... that will go away in time. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows? It may affect me for days, weeks, months, years... but... not if I can help it. I am strong. I am courageous.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but choosing to do the thing despite the fear."

Yes, I hear you... take courage and take the risk of telling that person you want to see them and be held. Trust me, my spiders agree with that idea. But, if I am wrong... if that ends poorly... then I not only hurt myself, but risk hurting them too. I don't want to hurt them.

So... let me have control over the things that I can control.

Maybe I will send them this article and allow them the choice for themselves.

Maybe I won't.

Maybe I can't.

Maybe this wrong decision is the right decision to avoid my heart breaking past the point of no return. Maybe this is what I need to keep ahold of my reality and not completely lose myself in a world made up by my own mind.

Maybe... I will tell them... and allow my heart to break if that is what needs to happen. After all, not allowing them the chance to make their own choices is not fair of me to do. And, I trust that my God will not allow me to break forever. He hasn't abandoned me so far.