Changes... Are... Hard - and Good?

Today was a really long day.

I woke up exhausted from a night full of nightmares - again.

My body was stiff and I hurt all over - still.

I had my autism therapy session - and cried more again today.

I missed a very important phone call.

I found something that I have been missing - for months - and though I am happy... I am also scared that I'll lose it again.

I had a meeting that I lost the paperwork for - that I had spent hours working on!

I got a reply from a clinic that basically told me: "we are the professionals, but we aren't equipped to follow a plan of care when recommending consistency and don't feel like harm has occurred despite being told that harm did occur to the patient..."

So, let me get this straight... the patient reports pain and suffering, but since the professional doesn't feel the pain is quite... enough? ... that means that it sucks to be the patient? The professionals who state that consistency is needed, don't want to have the documented and agreed upon approach to use for what consistency was to look like?

It honestly sounds more like: "I know that I am the professional, but I am uncomfortable with doing my job and so am just going to use any possible way to escape the discomfort... and you... well... you are at the bottom of the neurotypical food chain, so you get the short end of the stick and then you had better not have questions..."

Well... today probably didn't end well for the professionals either because I do have questions - and I asked them!

• How was it classified a thorough review of services and you missed the prescription that has been in place for ... years???
• Why does a provider's feelings matter more than the patient's needs?
• When harm does occur, which facility is equipped to handle the patient's needs? - since the statement sent to me states that this area is not equipped to handle special needs of autistics... and I would agree that if they cannot find a prescription showing that this matter (not solely an autism issue) has been an ongoing issue for years and decide to attempt to change it because someone with more money than me decided to misrepresent facts... well... yes, they can't provide the stability that autistic individuals need to feel safe, but that is not the end of the concern - this would also call into question their ability to treat any individual in an equitable way if the moment money is thrown into the mix, money buys their allegiance... (or their fear)...
• When I offered to bring in additional details and facts, they responded with dismissiveness that it is not their ... problem? ... job? ... that they have referred me to other professionals, again, because they don't feel comfortable sticking up for their patient - who had additional details ready to support their position for their needs? Why is that appropriate? How is that not simply making the patient's life harder?!

We don't pick sides... we don't get in the middle of it... IT IS YOUR JOB TO ADVOCATE FOR YOUR PATIENT!!! Last I checked, people pleasing towards tyrants who pull the "you'll be hearing from my lawyer" threat is NOT advocating for your PATIENT!

But, maybe that is my disability and neurodivergent brain misunderstanding how the world of medicine works... yet, I am supposed to trust these providers? That sounds more insane than my papers claim that I am at this point in time...

Then, I picked up my kids from the daycare that I won't have the finances to cover past February...

And had intentions of doing fun things with them, but my energy crashed.

Instead, I did a load (or 2) of laundry.

Instead, I used my energy to make sure they had full tummy's for bedtime.

Instead, I gave them big hugs, plenty of kisses, and found their favorite stuffies...

And caught myself feeling like a failure...

But!

I woke up and made sure that my kids were presentable (not perfect) before leaving the house (late, but still doing my best) - and most of all, that they both know that I loved them so very much.

I got the paperwork all submitted to try a new medication for my pain and nightmares. Maybe it will even help with the anxiety that is preventing me from fully embracing the powerful women I am with confidence?

I am learning skills that are working so much better for me overall.

Maybe the important phone call continuing to be an issue is God's way of telling me to step into my power - trusting Him that He has given me the skills to succeed?

I found something that I lost and learned how important all of my self is and that it isn't selfish to want to keep things that I value.

I may have lost the paperwork, but I did remember the contents and was told that I advocate well, not only for myself, but for my community!

I asked questions to ensure that I understood what was being said to me. Even though I think that I likely know the answer, I remembered to ask for clarification. Safe people who mean well don't mind clarifying themselves when asked questions - especially when they know you struggle or have a disability. My expectation is quite low... but my hope is that they will exceed my expectation - and not by digging another basement for my expectations to descend into...

I am lucky enough to have a daycare that I'd miss!

I managed my energy reserves well by balancing the kid's needs with life's needs and then gave myself the freedom to write (like I need) to help refill my cup of energy - all without allowing fear to control my life... or their lives!

I did absolutely fantastic today and was a great mother to my children!

How can you (re)-frame your challenges into a success story today?