The war inside

I’ll start with a body scan.

My head feels like a weight on the rest of my body.

I feel a headache coming but I’ve making sure I eat enough to keep my blood sugar up so I don’t what’s going there.

Jaw feels like it’s been working out.

Been grinding my teeth lately.

Neck feels tense a bit. Been yawning a lot.

My chest is one of the areas that I feel the most. Love, hate, indifference, passion admiration is felt and most intensely. Breathing is either easier or harder depending on the emotion, positively or negatively and whether it’s righteous or not. I feel a lot of animosity towards people lately. Family, horse people (not my wife, never) and people within the church. Never thought I’d be so angry at people that I may be going to heaven with. I’d die for some of them but I equally could kick and punch them in the throat with as much force because of what they did to my wife. How are they going to... mxm never mind. It makes my chest tight

My abdomen is getting strong because of physical therapy but I’m feeling hungry now. I’m keen for some of the crab boil Dest made after this post.

My hips are the most venerable part of my body at the moment because of all the weakness there is there. No idea why and what I did (or didn’t do) but there are causing a lot of unbalance when I walk. Maybe it’s an outward manifestation of what’s going on mentally, spiritually. I feel like I’ve been in an accident and it’s taking years for my hips to function correctly but will get there I hope.

My legs seem to work great since I started physical therapy, but still weaker than I’d prefer. Feet feel just a tad bit crooked. Always rest my feet on the side of them. It feels natural. Sometimes my torso and my legs feel like they go in different directions my legs don’t seem to want to cooperate with the best of my body.

I think there’s something neurological going on with my body, something that controls my balance, controls my legs, controls where I’m going

Maybe that’s why outside of the other stuff going on around me I feel like I can’t move or do things I want to. Is my body fighting against me? Am I fighting against myself?

Why? Where did all this come from, or was always there? Is it genetic? I feel like maybe I was born into this body of constant war and peace. This undercurrent of anger seems to be bubbling to the surface more often than not. I feel like growing up African means you grow up angry. I think it’s important to understand why our family is the way it is. But it’s hard to uncover this when your aunty says everything is good when it’s clearly not. Asking how you are when I stated how angry you are about something they said. Ignorance isn’t bliss when you’re the recipient of it.

What’s interesting though, is life is relatively good. I’m married to the love of my life, I own 3 animals. I’m loved and cared for. I may not be working but I have my green card process underway, I’ll become a US permanent resident of the US soon. I’m grown in my knowledge of the world around me. Getting to know God in a more real way. God asks us to think upon “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians‬ ‭4:8‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I think the war is both in and outside of me and finding peace is starting with the realization that what is peace without war and it’s a hard thing to reconcile.