The Other Side of Christmas

I've been Christmas af for as long as I can remember. I loved everything about it. Obviously as a child, the thrill of knowing you have new toys and gifts waiting for you is your main point of focus but as I got older, and my presents became more scarce, I started to fall in love with the feeling of Christmas and not the expense of it. I truly adored the tradition. Every year, without fail, the last minute stress of getting those forgotten gifts, the Christmas Eve "you can open just one", the never being ready to leave for my Nanny's house on time, my Nanny being a level ninety-nine on the stress scale but forever refusing help. The one day a year that everyone just shuts up. The one day that the scattered pieces of family fit together.

As I tuned into the importance of presence over presents, I had overlooked how incredibly lucky I am to love Christmas the way I do. This year, I had planned on doing the impossible; being away from home for Christmas. This was always something I had said would be a hard no for me. But, an opportunity to work in Florida for eight months presented itself to me and I knew the universe needed to stretch me out of my comfort zone. I'll spare you the long insignificant details but, long story short, I sustained quite a serious knee injury and had to be sent home. Two weeks before Christmas. No money, no job and no longing for Christmas. Two weeks beforehand, I was soaking in sunshine and palm trees and now I was trapped in a knee brace and devastation. My heart was hurting knowing that the people around me deserve the world and I can't buy one gift.

But my family's smiles were bigger than I'd seen them in so long; I was home and for parents, that is a gift that no price tag can match. I was happy to see my family but hurting for an adventure that could have been. And for the first time in my life, I was on the other side of Christmas. I saw in from outside the window, where I had always been warm and safe inside. This was the first year, I was actively struggling. I realized that this time of year is not always Christmas songs and indulgence but, for so many, loneliness, debt and darkness.

I smiled on Christmas morning and cried a flood of tears in the afternoon. A year long sea of struggles, flashing before my eyes. And not just mine, but those of the people in my life and those I don't even know. For a lot of people, this year pulled the rug from under their feet. As I sat around the table, with a stomach too-full of turkey, the tears that left my eyes were laced with little smiles. Currently in the rock bottom of my life and I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

I had explained to a friend my feelings of apathy this Christmas and she knew the feeling too well because she'd felt it every year. She described it as a "forced happiness". It really hit home for me. And what I took it from it was; don't just "cheer up it's Christmas". If you feel sad, feel it. If you feel lonely, allow it. Let these feelings come and send love to any of those that didn't make it here. Allow yourself to feel these things but don't set up camp in your sadness. This time of year may not be one of joy for you but it is just temporary. If you find yourself really struggling, there is always help available. You never are alone, even if your mind tricks you into thinking you are. Step away from the competitiveness and bragging of social media. Be present and try find something to be grateful for because there is always a reason. You may have problems in your family, lost people along the way, not be in the financial situation you want to be in, not have the love in your life you desire but you're here. And sometimes, a beating heart is reason enough to be thankful. That's why I feel so grateful for my losing season. I feel so grateful to have experienced the other side of Christmas.