The Message

Josh sat at his dining table trying to make sense of his latest frustrations. He poured into his journal, the words coming out a sloppy mess. As he began to re-read it all of course it sounded ridiculous to be so worked up about it. He started to see some humor in his dad making the usual idiotic comments about his weight and occupation. He kicked himself for letting it get under his skin, what did it matter his dad’s opinion? ‘I am allowed to have my own values and live my own life!’ He said to himself. He started a new page in the little black book.

‘YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE LIFE YOU DESIRE!’ He wrote out.

It was time for him to go out for a grocery shop so he got his shoes on and headed out the door. As he walked on the wet pavement and breathed in the cool air he felt his body light up. Every detail poured into his mind with HD clarity and awe. He loved this feeling. He was awake and present, taking each step with a confident belonging.

As he was selecting his favorite food items his eye caught a fancy red and gold label on cheese which was far too overpriced for him. ‘How can anyone pay this much for so little cheese?’ He wondered. When he got home there was a survey at the bottom of his receipt which he was excited to complete. He loved to get a good deal and anything free was happily accepted. It didn’t take long to do the surveys. He figured many people wouldn’t take the time to do them so there was a better chance he’d win -- and he did.

As soon as he’d completed the survey he was notified of being the winner of their random draw. He had won $20,000! ‘What the heck?! For doing a survey?’ He was baffled. But after a few more questions from the company over the phone, the money was transferred into his bank account that day! This has got to be a scam he kept saying to himself. There’s no way. There’s no way! He was sitting on his couch refreshing the banking app on his phone over and over but the number didn’t change. He had over $20,000 sitting in his account now. He ordered a huge dinner and called his friends over.

He wasn’t sure he should tell anyone but after a few beers he couldn’t hold it in anymore. His friends roared in congratulations and disbelief. They soon began asking him to buy them ridiculous things. They also asked him what he wanted to do with the money and he had no idea. It just made him feel safe to have it there, like a blanket that would protect him from his problems. He was in no rush to throw it to the wind.

That feeling didn’t last long. The next day he began looking at all the things he could buy. A few online purchases later and he was giddy trying to reel himself back to reality.

‘I can’t just spend it all in one day, I mean I could but I shouldn’t!’ He thought.

He decided to head out for a bike ride to clear his head and regain perspective. He was cycling around downtown listening to the gulls and the traffic when his rusted old bike’s chain snapped. He chuckled to himself when he looked around and saw a used bike store not 10 steps away from him.

A few casual and cheerful conversations later and he was walking out with a semi-new bike he was in love with. Steel blue and the cushiest seat he’d ever sat on. He was beaming as he continued his ride around town.

The freedom was intoxicating, all of the reasons not to get something were lifted, he didn’t have to calculate or anticipate future expenses -- it was all free as far as his egoic brain was concerned.

He could finally buy his mom something nice just because! His nieces and nephews whom he hadn’t seen in months would forget his absence if he showed up with the coolest gadgets he could find. That girl at work he liked but couldn’t bring himself to ask out, now he could take her out on an amazing date and woo her like he wanted. His impulse took over as he indulged himself.

He was totally exhausted when he got home late that night. Seeing his mom and family was a great time. He didn’t understand why he didn’t make the effort more often but he was glad he did today. He collapsed on his couch and began scrolling through various social media and then eventually opened up his banking app to see just how much he’d spent.

There was plenty of money still in his account, more than half but not much more. He began to dread the old lifestyle when this money inevitably ran out.Would his sense of self worth also run out? Luckily a friend called and invited him out to watch a movie so he shoved the negativity away momentarily.

The weekend was over and it was time to get back to his desk job. It was one of the worst Monday’s of his life, or so it seemed to him. He awkwardly cornered the girl he liked in the copy room and asked her out with a chuckle and goofy smile. She smiled warmly at him, she knew he liked her, it was so obvious.

She was a little surprised by his new confidence and sorry that she had to reject him, ‘I’m sorry Josh, I’ve actually started seeing someone. It’s only been a few weeks but I think we’re both serious about each other.’

‘Oh well congrats, that’s great!’ He flashed her a big smile to let her know it didn’t phase him, ‘Let me know if anything changes.’ He quickly added with a wink before rushing out of the room. He blushed and tucked his chin down on his way out.

Almost immediately after the butterflies and flushed face subsided his boss, Dave, came up to his desk and asked to speak with him. He could tell by Dave’s expression it was not going to be a happy talk. Josh sat down on the faded green chair across from his boss who was looking very concerned.

‘Our numbers are not doing so well this quarter…’ He started off with a sigh.

Something about his tone of voice made Josh cringe,

‘I’m not here to blame any one person, it’s not just you, it’s the whole team. I thought it would be a good plan to talk to each person in our department individually to see their thoughts and their ideas for how we can bring ourselves back up to speed because the higher ups are not happy and they’re breathing down my neck…’

He rambled on for a bit and Josh halfheartedly agreed when appropriate. Really he was wondering how he was supposed to do anything different. Dave continued telling him about his plans to make everyone stay an hour of overtime every night to expedite the new changes needed to improve their overall performance. Dave never really got to the part where Josh’s input was needed but Josh didn’t care. He was grateful when it was done and he could go back to his usual work.

‘What a bummer.’ Josh thought as he walked back to his desk. His eyes briefly met with his crush’s but it was time to take a turn and he was saved having to shoot another smile. He sighed deeply as he sat down and day dreamed of the dinner he’d pick up on his way home.

Hot falafals were on his mind. When he got to the restaurant there was a long line out the door. As he was waiting and scrolling through his phone his mind began to make unfavorable connections. He’d see a post about some hot shot investor living up the dream life and wonder how he could get there too.

His small mind scoffed, ‘They made their money by scamming other people, getting people to pay for coaching and mentorship but never actually helping people make money themselves.’ What did he know, he’d never tried to learn, not seriously. His attention was all over the place, his feed consisted of inspirational feel good quotes and pictures of cars, bikes, nature, comics and more. He followed artists and political leaders, entrepreneurs and tech specialists. His life had gone from school to work and in his spare time he was recuperating from the day, relaxing or seeing friends.

He was never taught to use his money to make more money. He was taught to work for money and then spend that money. His mind wandered back to his bank account and then again to the investors. Why couldn’t he do what they did? ‘Maybe then I wouldn’t have to work for Dave either…’ He thought as he picked up his food and started walking home.

He started to feel bitter about having just enough money to feel rich but not enough to really change his life. He started to curse the financial system and social flaws which only let a small percentage of the population enjoy real wealth. They left the rest of them to stand in lines and slave away for table scraps of what was possible. Imagine if all of earth’s wealth was evenly distributed to everyone. If we all worked together to enhance the natural resources available to us instead of depleting them. We have enough technology and understanding now that we can do this, the old ways just need to be replaced.

Money couldn’t solve his problems, and he couldn’t solve the world’s problems. He had no clue where to even start. He started to feel the familiar sinking feeling within himself as he considered all the terrible truths of the present time. The numbers in his account couldn’t protect him from anything. He knew his depressed feelings and lack of fulfillment were all his own fault and he just didn’t change so what was the point, why did he keep doing it?

When he got home he decided to put his phone away and began throwing knives at a board on the wall. It was all pointless, he felt the low vibration ring through his body. Just like throwing this knife at a board was purposeless, useless, repetitive nothingness, so was his life. He started to press the tip of the knife to his finger, he drew blood and felt a rage inside himself that wanted to pierce the knife through his nail.

He sighed deeply and turned his head which put his little black book in his line of sight. He was magnetically drawn to it and picked it up, opening it to a random page which was covered in positive affirmations.

‘You are worthy. You are loved. You matter.’

The next page said, ‘This too shall pass. Breathe.’

And the next he turned to said, ‘YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE LIFE YOU DESIRE!’

He couldn’t help but crack a smile remembering the revelation he’d had about his dad and was grateful for the reminder. He made up his mind to make his life more fun, it was all within his power to do so. He flipped the book to a blank page and got his pen.