Silenced

"I don't like this."

"Shhh, it's no big deal."

"But his hand…"

"It's just your thigh, no big deal."

"But it's right where my swimsuit ends."

"He probably just doesn't realize how high it is. Ignore it."

"But it feels icky. And I don't like sitting on his lap."

"You wanted to steer the boat. You have to sit on his lap to be able to steer the boat. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"Okay... I'll just steer the boat...It's fun.

But maybe I can just ask him to move his hand?"

"If you say something, you're going to hurt his feelings. You know he wouldn't do anything bad. He's a good person. You're going to make him think you don't like him. Or, worse, you'll get him in trouble for something he didn't realize he did.

Just ignore it.

He's just being nice and letting you steer the boat."

"Right. I'll just focus on steering the boat.

This is fun.

But my tummy still feels icky."

"Everyone is going to think you're a silly little girl. Just ignore it."

—-

"I don't like where his hand is again."

"He's just helping you balance in the water with those skis on."

"I know, but can't he put his hand somewhere else?"

"Where else is he going to hold you up? You're being a silly little girl again. You wanted to learn to water ski. He's just teaching you how to water ski."

"I know, it just makes my tummy feel icky."

"Then stop thinking about his hand and tell them to go. His hand won't be there anymore once you start skiing."

"Good point.

Right.

I'm ready.

Hit it!

I'm up!

I'm down!"

"You have to go again."

"I don't want to. He'll have to hold me…there…again."

"If you only try once everyone is going to think you're just a silly little girl."

"I know, but…"

"Everyone else had so much fun skiing. No one else complained when he was helping them."

"You're right."

"Just ignore his hands."

"Okay.

Stupid skis won't go the right way.

I can't concentrate. I wish he didn't have to hold me up this way."

"Stop thinking about his hand, silly little girl! You're big now, almost eight. You should be able to water ski like everyone else.

Just ignore his hand.

Pull your knees closer to your chest so the ski tips stay above the water, hold tight to the ropes, and get up on those skis. Pretend his hands are just a floor you're sitting on."

"Okay, okay.

I'm just sitting on the floor.

Ski tips up.

Breathe, ignore his hands.

Hold tight to the ropes. I'm ready.

Hit it!

I'm up!

I'm still up!

Oh, this is so much fun!"

"See, aren't you glad you tried again."

"Yep! This is…

..uh-oh..

Oh dang, I'm down."

"You should go again. One more time."

"I can't. I just can't."

"You're a silly little girl."

"I'll just say I hurt my arm when I fell into the water."

—-

"Why are you awake?"

"There's someone in here. Why is he just standing there, watching us sleep?"

"I don't know, but ignore him. Close your eyes and go back to sleep."

"Something feels wrong."

"Stop being such a silly little girl."

"I wish I was at home."

"Just go back to sleep."

"Something feels bad. He's still standing there, watching us. I don't like it."

"You are such a silly little girl. He's probably just making sure everyone is sleeping. Which is what you should be doing. Go back to sleep."

"My tummy feels icky again."

"Just go back to sleep, silly little girl."

—-

"I'm not sure I like his hand on my breast."

"Shhh... Don't be a silly little girl. A boy likes you. An older boy likes you. If you say something, he's going to think you're a silly, little 14-year-old girl."

"You're right. It's over my shirt, no big deal."

"And if you let him do what he wants, maybe he’ll kiss you."

"Oh, he's staring into my eyes. I think he's going to kiss me. Oh my gosh, he's kissing me! Wow, he's really kissing me."

"See I told you, just let him do what he wants."

"I think I like this. Except, is it supposed to take this long? What is he doing with his tongue?"

"Stop being a silly little girl. He's 17, he knows what he's doing."

"This feels like a lot for a first kiss."

"Don't ruin this. A boy likes you. Just let him do what he wants."

—-

"Maybe I shouldn't be doing this. He has a girlfriend."

"But he really likes you. And you really like him. Don't be a silly little girl."

"He is a good kisser. But, his hand is under my shirt."

"It's not like he's the first boy to touch your breast. Is it really that big of a deal? Doesn't it feel good?"

"It does feel good. But…he's moving really fast. I don't know. Maybe I should stop him."

"Don't be such a silly little girl. You're sixteen. You've made out with boys before."

"But he made that joke earlier about sex. What if that's what he wants? Maybe it wasn't really a joke."

"You can stop him if he goes too far. Stop being silly. You like this."

"I do like the way he's kissing my neck. But he's getting kind of low. I think I want him to stop."

"If you tell him to stop he'll never kiss you again."

"But this is too fast. I want him to stop."

"Do you really? It feels good."

"No. This is way too much. I want him to stop."

"You're just a silly little girl. You're going to ruin this."

"No, I don't think I like this anymore. I need him to stop."

"You can't stop him. You know you can't make him stop."

"I can't….

I don't want to…

please stop…"

"Silly little girl."

—--

"Is that man playing with my hair"

"Maybe…just ignore it. Go to sleep."

"Right. I'll ignore it. It's weird, but it's just my hair...

His hand is on my back. That is not okay."

"It's just your back. What are you going to do? Make a big deal because he touched your back? People are going to think you're crazy."

"Will they? I feel like this is definitely not okay. I should do something."

"Like what? Make a big scene? Call the flight attendant over? You can't do anything without looking crazy, you silly little girl."

"No…. His hand…it's under my shirt. I have to do something. I should stop him."

"How? What are you going to say now? You've been pretending to be sleeping for too long. Everyone is going to wonder why you didn't say something sooner. They're going to think you wanted him to touch you. They'll say it's your fault. You shouldn't have worn this tank top. You made it too easy."

"What's wrong with me? Why didn’t I stop him? Maybe the flight attendant will notice…"

"No one is going to notice. No one is going to save you. You should have said something sooner but now it's too late. You're just going to have to wait until the plane lands in Seattle. It's not that long of a flight."

"God, please make him stop."

"God's not going to stop him.

This is your fault.

You're being punished for letting all those boys touch you, for dressing this way. You flaunt your body so boys will notice you. You wanted attention and you got it.

What’d you expect? You stupid, silly little girl."

—-

"What is the matter with you? Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I feel his hands on me again."

"You're pathetic. It's been over a year. Why is this still bothering you so much? It's not like you were raped."

"I don't know. I just feel so broken... and dirty... and I never feel safe anymore.

I don't understand why I can't get over this."

"You're still just a silly little girl."

—-

"I can't believe he turned himself in. I was right, all those times I felt like something was off. I should never have trusted him. Maybe I should go talk to the prosecutor with the others."

"And say what? You barely remember anything."

"But I remember he made me feel icky when I was little. I remember some things..."

"The prosecutor is going to think you're silly. Then she's going to ask why you never said anything. He might have made you feel icky a few times, but you also thought he was fun and nice and you convinced yourself nothing ever happened.

How are you going to explain that to her? How are you going to explain that to the rest of his victims?"

"No one else ever said anything. We all thought we could trust him, most the time."

"You can't say anything. You’ll just look silly. Besides, you know it's really that other guy that still bothers you so much, the one from the airplane. You can't do anything about him now. You can't do anything about either of them. Why bother saying anything to anyone?"

"But I should do something, shouldn't I?"

"You can't do anything. You never could say anything when you needed to. You're just a silly little girl."

—-

"You can't write about this! Everyone is going to think you're pathetic, you silly little girl."

"I can write about it and I will."

"What's the point? It's too late to change anything. You're broken and useless. You always have been."

"Shut up."

"People are going to read this and think you're pathetic. Just a silly little girl."

"I said, shut up. I'm done listening to you."

"You can't silence me. I'm the one that silences you."

"Not anymore. You've always been wrong. You've always made me feel like it was my fault. But it never was. I've carried the sins of men too long. No more. It was never my fault. None of it."

"It was all your fault. You could have said something. You should have said something."

"I couldn't. I understand that now. He made me feel powerless from the very beginning. I was just a little girl when he changed everything."

"It was just a hand on your thigh."

"No, it was always more than that. He knew it. He watched me. He groomed me. He broke my defenses and set me up to let all those others do what they wanted. It all started with him. But it ends with me."

"But why do you have to write about it? No one has to know."

"Because it's time."

"Time?"

"Yes. It's time I stop hating myself."

"Do you really hate yourself?"

"I did. At least the part that kept me silent for all those years. But not anymore. I'm ready to let go.

I'm ready to forgive you."

"Can you?"

"It wasn't your fault anymore than it was mine. I was just a little girl and you were just the voice in my head, trying to make sense of something terrible.

He was the adult.

He was the monster.

Not me."

"So you're really going to do this?"

"Yes. No more silence. No more shame."

"No more 'silly little girl.'"