The Hope Within Us

I remember my 18th birthday. It was a day most would be excited about, after all becoming a legal adult would open doors that were once closed to me as a child. However, for me this was a day that was anything but exciting. I was 18, depressed, been abused my entire life and always felt alone. So at a time when I should’ve been excited, I was scared and lost because I had been made to feel my entire life that I was nothing and I didn’t have a voice.

I constantly had in my mind a never ending dialogue. That repeated daily, you’ll never have a better life, things won’t get better and the loudest one of all said you should just end it all. I drowned in my self-doubt and self-pity. My mind had become a wasteland, a cruel place of torture barren and desolate of all life. Until eventually those thoughts became too much and I found myself searching the internet for ways to commit suicide.

As I was searching I found one dark site that supported what I was intending to do. I signed up for it and began to read people’s stories of why they were depressed and ideas of how to commit suicide. I sat for hours reading stories of people that were just like me. Trying to find the perfect way to end all of the pain and anguish that suffocated me. I don’t know why but I felt I couldn’t fully connect with the stories I was reading.

I felt different and realized I had something still in me that they didn’t seem to have. I sat quiet and confused and quickly logged off. For about 30 minutes I said nothing and thought to myself “why do I feel different?, what is that something deep within me that made me feel different?”. After pondering this for days and thinking about all the stories I had read. I realized that would made me feel different is I still had a small fire of hope burning deep within me that was hidden.

Faith that what I couldn’t see in myself and in my life was somehow within my reach. So after I had been made to feel my entire life like I was nothing and I didn’t have a voice. I came to understand that I in fact did have a voice and what I always thought was true was a lie. The voice within me spoke ever so soft and sweet that I didn’t know it was there until just the right time. It said to me that my life would get better and that I needed to live to fulfill my purpose I was not yet aware of.

In all of this I don’t know what caused my voice to speak up. My entire life it had always been soft and quiet, Nonexistent. After this day I knew it was my responsibility to help others out there depressed, lonely and hurting. Who’s hope has completely been burned out by life, abuse, exhaustion, frustration and pain. These times are very trying and the only way for us to all get through it is to support one another.

I have very little to give but what I will always share is my small burning fire of hope. So the hope within me is now the hope within us. The happiness and life we deserve is within our reach. Our value and purpose is magnificent and their is no one like us. We will succeed and our fire will set others a blaze and uplift those who have lost their hope.