How, Too

Many people wonder how, too. You are not alone, and I am an expert. I will teach you how, too! First, you need to remit a small application fee and fill out an application describing the nature of your financial situation and how often payments will be made, as this will have great bearing on how well I teach you how, too.

Before I can begin to teach you how, you must ask yourself the other three questions (we know who): why, when, and where. Just like the size and frequency of your payments, these three answers will affect the quality and versatility of your how, too.

You’re no doubt wondering about my qualifications, wondering about the qualifications of those who taught me how, too. I assure you I have learned from the very best. I learned how, too; else I would not presume to teach you. When I learned how, too, I learned why, but this is another story for another day.

Right now, everyone is regretting the 600-word minimum of this challenge and counting the words, how (many), too.

And now I stop with the obnoxious nihilism but perhaps not the ridiculous, performative post-modernism. Look at me, I’m so meta, I’ll point at what I’m doing (maybe show you how, too) and dare you to say I’m not doing what I say I’m doing or doing what I say I’m not doing, without explaining how, too.

Is it clever to post a link to this song after mentioning nihilism? Or is it creative? Cruel? Crass?

Am I insisting you listen to my voice, even if I’m not saying anything, just manipulating words in some cheap parlor trick, taking time and attention away from authentic work of substance painfully and beautifully telling some human truth, no—revealing an aspect of human truth that’s beautiful in the absolute innocence of its honest expression of a truth so brutal only one who doesn’t fully comprehend the terrible weight and cost of it could ever bear to share it?

Is there value in this, do I now have you thinking about truths that have broken your heart, broken you into a million pieces? If I do have you pondering these things or at least scratching the surface of them, there’s hope for you. You may learn how, too.

How doesn’t matter unless what or who does. Why is its own thing, but the meaning and importance of who and/or what precludes all other meaning (formalism is the backbone of all criticism), determines whether or not anyone even cares why. How, too.

I enjoy contests as much as anyone else. I enjoy winning more than most, have a competitive streak so deep you can drown in it. I don’t expect to win every contest I enter; sometimes I just enjoy the opportunity to do something I wouldn’t have done on my own, like stretching my creative tendons and ligaments and interacting with others doing the same. I feel like we’re growing together. I understand why and see how, too.

I’m thrilled to have found this community (and see that I missed out on a lot of cool things in the early days). You may say I’m late to the party, but I say it’s not a party until I get here, so rest assured that we’re all in for a good time now that I’m here. Who knows, I may even make a batch of martinis in my granddaddy’s pewter cocktail shaker. I swear by all that’s holy, there’s magic in that cocktail shaker. If you don’t know how to make a martini, I’ll show you how, too.

Happy Hour with Harper is coming soon via Zoom. If you don’t know how to use Zoom, I’ll teach you how, too.