healing
How to heal fully and properly.
2021
Every New Year previously, I would set resolutions like losing weight, becoming more social, improve my dating life (back when I was single), none of which were bad. This year, however, I have chosen something different. I am working on myself for myself from the inside to the outside.
By DS5 years ago in Motivation
Fresh Start
As most are laser focused on their “New Year, New Me” motivational daily words of aspirations, I am still mourning the death of all that I love that has been lost in wave of 2020. Some through the COVID-19, others through divorce and separation. Most of all, I have been mourning the death of the little girl that I held locked away deep within for so many years prior to the pandemic of 2020. A little girl that has been so battered, abused and broken, left behind and only remembered when someone needed a punching bag to pacify their time. A New Year’s Resolution has never been a belief I have maintained, empty promises of all the weight that I would lose or the bad habits that I would break, only to fall short just a few weeks in because my brain still struggled as a result of all the inherited toxic traits I absorbed along the way. Haunting flashbacks of the misters that momma allowed in each night, the mean girls growing up that always made sure to let me know I had no click to call my own or the guys along the way who found no value in me beyond what was either in my bank account or between my legs... No New Year’s Resolution for me. Instead, I have made a commitment to that little girl trapped inside the nightmares in my head, me and her, we are breaking free this year; mind, body and soul, we are breaking free of the oppressive hold and every negative word ever thrown our way. Growing up, Grandma use to say, “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you!” That is when I realized she had not ever actually read the very Bible she had beat me over the head with. Words can cause Life or Death, at least that is always what her Pastor had said, but let her tell it and it is just mind over matter and I am too sensitive, and I should just get over it because there are plenty more worse off than me so my little problems did not actually matter. So, this year, I am not losing the weight because I am ashamed of the judgmental stares and the jokes made at my expense. I am dropping the weight because I no longer need the shielding of this body armor that I perfected so many years ago, all the fat I built up in order to keep people at bay and to be able to hide in plain sight because no one cares about the fat girl on the side. No, I am dropping the weight because I have learned to love myself in ways no one ever felt I was worthy enough of before. See, in 2020 I was ghosted by a guy that I gave all that I had left of my heart and soul; thinking that all his plans and promises made with me was just as true as the shattered pieces I had left to give as my proof that I once was human too. I cannot blame him to be completely honest, I co-created the toxic situation because I was too afraid of my past to give him the unedited version of me for him to see, so when he started to see threw my truth coded in lies and the strength that I was barely holding together, he used them against me as an easy way out. I failed to protect that little girl that I had sheltered for so long. I promised her with my life that I would make sure she had never gotten harmed once I was all grown up. I allowed her to get really close to a man that we hardly even knew and before either of us knew it, we were both shot in the heart with the humiliation as he used it as a play on my mental health on public display. The bullet was so lethal that it hit to the core of our soul. June 19, 2020; that little girl, me, or maybe it was we; died in the pandemic and the light of our horrible truth spilled out like an unstoppable blood flow. I could not save her, no matter how hard I tried, she was gone just like that night back in 2009 when my brother took his own life. I let that little girl down and now I have no choice but to make sure that shit was not all in vain. I had no choice but to lay her to rest, there was no funeral with her in a beautiful dress, with a wonderful display of flowers as I lowered her in the ground, or a farewell surrounded by all who loved her. No, it was more like a cremation because the burn of the bullet left nothing behind but her ashes, they were all that I had left of her. So, I released her into the Ocean where she could now rest peaceful at the bottom of its floor, with my promise to rise like the Phoenix in her memory and shine her light of truth for the world to see. The truth that the only man this country ever convicted for any of her childhood rapes, beatings and molestations was the black man that momma brought in because the social workers, police officers and her white family members said, it would be wrong to disrupt the happy homes of all the white men before him. Plus, momma made the most money from the white Misters that came in the night, so it is best I kept my mouth shut if I knew what was good for me, was the warning I was given all the way through. So, for 2021, I am on my journey of Divine Purpose after surviving another predator in the White House, a pandemic that helped me break free of the most abusive marriage I had become trapped in; where food, money and transportation was withheld from me when my PTSD would flair and he said I was not acting right. I survived the ghosting of a man that I thought was the King that was going to rescue me, not knowing I was just an easy financial hustle because he saw my vulnerability in my lies with sprinkles of truth behind closed doors as I began to trust him a little more. I’ve promised that little girl’s spirit that never again will I live in fear, never again will I allow our trauma to be my oppressive hold and never again will I allow our truth never to be told because there are still children missing from the boarders and she and I already know how justice is truly blind in this great country of ours and how the children who get lost in the cracks grow in the night and later become the monsters that they made us, if they even survive. So 2021... here I come, the Wounded Warrior with a purpose and promise to be in the best health of my life, mind, body and soul.
By Lady Wisdom5 years ago in Motivation
How I Learned to Forgive
As a young girl, we all grow up dreaming of our wedding day. We visualize the type of wedding gown we will wear, we even visualize the attributes of a perfect groom, whom we have not met yet. Years pass and before we know it we will be dancing our first bride and groom dance under a beautiful romantic melody.
By Malika B.5 years ago in Motivation
Wailing Heart
You ever felt the winds whisper the memories of your past or felt the nudging feeling that something was about to happen? Sometimes, the memory lane is simply a reminder of where you've been, but would if it was your teacher to lesson you in the history of your body. The internal turmoil constantly taken in joy when the eyesight is blind. See, I remember driving down the road and my heart felt this instant agitation and immediately I drove to a liquor store. Shot down the water of liquor to the fire behind my chest wall until my chest wall silenced the inner voices yelling for my attention. By the time I got home and kids are settled from school they could tell that mommy had been drinking again and with wonder in their eyes, what will they eat tonight. Though, they ate that day, I felt the energy of why pulling from their concern. See, I found an escape route that year and became a victim of suppressing my pains even if it meant hide the wine in the closet. I was good at drinking until my tears joined the conversation of my self-talk. Telling myself today will be the day I'd give up my worst habit or today, I'll conquer the demons swallowing every puzzle piece to joy. I held onto a behavior like holding the shards of destructive wooden pieces. Splintered, tired, yet still holding hope because I knew one day I'd give it up. As life continued my daughter came up to me one day, asked if I was drinking the previous night. I asked her why, and she says, "your behavior and when you were talking you didn't make any sense". I instantly took mental note that if I don't correct this now by finding self-control as if it was lost then I'd put myself in deep danger. On Sept. 9, 2019, was the turning point to the positive change that'd take place in my life. I went to an event that day which was a BYOB and well for me I initially chose not to drink at all that night so I brought in a water just to quench my thirst. It was an open mic event with a list of performers and everyone was having a good time. I performed as well, but after I sat down I could see people moved around and now I'm seated next to a friend who had brought her own bottle of alcohol. This is where the downfall would rise in me my greatest strength I never knew I had. This moment was the ultimate embarrassment that would led me to the other side of the mountain. The friend next to me offered me vodka and well of course I said yes with the simple fact that since I had already performed and the night is almost over then why not. There I go drinking straight vodka like a dehydrated human, not to mention I wore a shirt that read, "self-love be the best love". No where in my behavior that night did I display I slogan that I fully supported. I kept drinking until tipsy and drunkenness took over the behavior of my body and speech. While leaving some of us gathered outside talking amongst each other, but my friend could clearly see I was not okay to drive. She came up to me to tell me, "get in my car because you're not sober enough drive". See, when she told me that most would have just said okay, well I verbally fought. I told her this and that and others joined in on the concern of my safety. Some were yelling, "look at your shirt, we love you, but do you love yourself"! Eventually someone grabbed me, took me to the car and strapped me in the seatbelt. The next morning I woke up with this lump of guilt in my throat and instantly grabbed my phone to see what damaged I'd cause. My phone had a few missed calls and messages. I called a friend who went over my behavior and the timeline of events that happened and instantly felt this complete weight of disappointment hover over my face. I picked up my phone went to a year later in my calendar of Sept. 7, 2020 with a note of 1 year no drinking. See, that experience took me overboard to the point of not returning to it. I was so tired of being a disrupt to my life and others. My biggest motivation for quitting was simply being fed up of bad experiences...I was full! When I reached a year it meant I've graduated, at least that's what I set my mind too just to keep the motivation. I am grateful for self-discipline and the better example that I am setting for my kids. I am raising a son and daughter who will grow up with remembrance of what I did, but also with the joy of what I overcame. Now as I look back over all the days filled with gray skies, I found the inspiration of a barn owl that in the nestle of my pains and darkness I've gained the greatest wisdom. I am merely the survival guide and the light for those who suffer in their silence. Today, I am so very grateful.
By Felicia Hankins5 years ago in Motivation
To the Woman who Broke My Heart
Don’t get me wrong, my grandparents adopting me at the age of 9 was the best thing that ever happened to me. But, sometimes, I can’t help but wonder. What if you would’ve stayed? Where would we be living right now? On the beach? How close would we be? How proud of me would you be if you knew what I’ve overcome? I think you would see yourself within me. I carry your kind delicate heart in my chest. I wear your wild free spirit on my shoulders. But the one thing I have that you don’t, is strength.
By Marissa Derylak5 years ago in Motivation
Epiphany
Cycles are the foundation of progress and stagnancy. Earium thought as she struggled to make sense of her life. Always ends at the same place. I take a jump and end up lost, a failure. What am I doing wrong? Earium hoped her thoughts were going somewhere as she stared at the rural night sky with its multitude of stars that answered her with silence. Starlight illuminated the branches of oak trees, Russian olive trees, fence lines, and wheat stalks but not answers.
By Iynocii Grossnickle5 years ago in Motivation
The hurt and the hurdles
Pain sucks. Physical or emotional, pain sticks with you longer than you would like. It’s also kind of magical. Like a David Copperfield trick, it can be as real as a coin that you hold in your hand. Then just as suddenly, it goes away, only to reappear when you least expect it.
By Bridgette Kovacevich5 years ago in Motivation
114
When I was 10, I broke a light bolt that my dad had asked me to replace in the bedroom; I was on a latter, he was right next to me, I am not sure why I got nervous and let the light bolt drop to his feet; dad was not the type to get mad and yell, he was the kind to carried me down while he looked for another bolt. He asked me if I wanted to try again and I said yes; I did it, I replace the bolt and cleaned the case while I was up there. Some time ago I wrote about Kintsugi, the art of the Japanese, the art of becoming independent, the art of trusting yourself to do all that needs to be done, at times with help and at times alone, but always to be done.
By Lucinet Luna - The Author 5 years ago in Motivation
