Felicia Hankins

Wailing Heart

You ever felt the winds whisper the memories of your past or felt the nudging feeling that something was about to happen? Sometimes, the memory lane is simply a reminder of where you've been, but would if it was your teacher to lesson you in the history of your body. The internal turmoil constantly taken in joy when the eyesight is blind. See, I remember driving down the road and my heart felt this instant agitation and immediately I drove to a liquor store. Shot down the water of liquor to the fire behind my chest wall until my chest wall silenced the inner voices yelling for my attention. By the time I got home and kids are settled from school they could tell that mommy had been drinking again and with wonder in their eyes, what will they eat tonight. Though, they ate that day, I felt the energy of why pulling from their concern. See, I found an escape route that year and became a victim of suppressing my pains even if it meant hide the wine in the closet. I was good at drinking until my tears joined the conversation of my self-talk. Telling myself today will be the day I'd give up my worst habit or today, I'll conquer the demons swallowing every puzzle piece to joy. I held onto a behavior like holding the shards of destructive wooden pieces. Splintered, tired, yet still holding hope because I knew one day I'd give it up. As life continued my daughter came up to me one day, asked if I was drinking the previous night. I asked her why, and she says, "your behavior and when you were talking you didn't make any sense". I instantly took mental note that if I don't correct this now by finding self-control as if it was lost then I'd put myself in deep danger. On Sept. 9, 2019, was the turning point to the positive change that'd take place in my life. I went to an event that day which was a BYOB and well for me I initially chose not to drink at all that night so I brought in a water just to quench my thirst. It was an open mic event with a list of performers and everyone was having a good time. I performed as well, but after I sat down I could see people moved around and now I'm seated next to a friend who had brought her own bottle of alcohol. This is where the downfall would rise in me my greatest strength I never knew I had. This moment was the ultimate embarrassment that would led me to the other side of the mountain. The friend next to me offered me vodka and well of course I said yes with the simple fact that since I had already performed and the night is almost over then why not. There I go drinking straight vodka like a dehydrated human, not to mention I wore a shirt that read, "self-love be the best love". No where in my behavior that night did I display I slogan that I fully supported. I kept drinking until tipsy and drunkenness took over the behavior of my body and speech. While leaving some of us gathered outside talking amongst each other, but my friend could clearly see I was not okay to drive. She came up to me to tell me, "get in my car because you're not sober enough drive". See, when she told me that most would have just said okay, well I verbally fought. I told her this and that and others joined in on the concern of my safety. Some were yelling, "look at your shirt, we love you, but do you love yourself"! Eventually someone grabbed me, took me to the car and strapped me in the seatbelt. The next morning I woke up with this lump of guilt in my throat and instantly grabbed my phone to see what damaged I'd cause. My phone had a few missed calls and messages. I called a friend who went over my behavior and the timeline of events that happened and instantly felt this complete weight of disappointment hover over my face. I picked up my phone went to a year later in my calendar of Sept. 7, 2020 with a note of 1 year no drinking. See, that experience took me overboard to the point of not returning to it. I was so tired of being a disrupt to my life and others. My biggest motivation for quitting was simply being fed up of bad experiences...I was full! When I reached a year it meant I've graduated, at least that's what I set my mind too just to keep the motivation. I am grateful for self-discipline and the better example that I am setting for my kids. I am raising a son and daughter who will grow up with remembrance of what I did, but also with the joy of what I overcame. Now as I look back over all the days filled with gray skies, I found the inspiration of a barn owl that in the nestle of my pains and darkness I've gained the greatest wisdom. I am merely the survival guide and the light for those who suffer in their silence. Today, I am so very grateful.