Screw Self Hate

When I say I grew up HATING myself, I mean it. I hated every single thing about myself. My sister used to tell me that I had no attributes. So I believed for years that there was absolutely nothing good and worthy about myself.

I was 12 years old when I started having an eating disorder. I would see my mom skips meals to “watch her weight” so I learned to take it further. I skipped days to lose weight. That went on for 11 years. I hated everything about me. I took that belief of no attributes with me everywhere.

I believed I was the ugliest fattest thing in the world. And that kept me from socializing so I thought my personality sucked too. I remember looking at myself in mirrors and just crying. For hours. So I quit looking in mirrors.

The older I got, the more I started ignoring what was going on. I turned my self hate into straight denial. I didn’t know how to face it so I pretended like it didn’t exist. I literally turned off my emotions. That was my way of fixing it. I covered up my self hate and lack of emotions with makeup and cool clothes. I started making friends just based in those two things. I was getting outside validation. It felt so good to hear people tell me they liked my pants or my eyeliner was on fleek! Other people’s opinions of me, good or bad, was covering up the real issue.

I spent years thinking my eating disorder was healed. I thought I was happy. People thought I was cool! Of course I thought everything was okay. If people call me pretty, then it must be true. Nope. I wanted to believe these things so bad. I wanted to believe that all these nice things people were saying were true. But when I looked in the mirror I still saw the worst thing on earth, myself.

After years of living off positive opinions from my friends, that wasn’t enough anymore. Old habits came back and they came back quick. I’d always had the worst fear of eating in front of people. It would make me nauseous. I had this belief that people would think I was fat, just for purely putting food and nutrients into my body.

As time went on, I knew it was bad. I knew I was hurting myself. I knew all of my problems were getting worse. I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know how to fix them. The rug I shoved all my problems under was now a mountain. I had gotten to the point where I told myself this is how the rest of my life will be. That I will never heal from this.

Fast forward a couple more years. I finally got the point of exhaustion. I was sick and tired of caring this weight with me. My backpack was filled with heavy rocks, one for every time I went into a fitting room and clothes didn’t fit, one for every time I looked in the mirror, and one for every day I didn’t eat. I was literally caring the Smokey Mountains on my shoulders. I finally started going to therapy. I didn’t expect much. I even told my therapist “I know I’ll have my eating disorder my entire life”. Boy was I wrong.

Now to the fun part. How did I turn my self hate into self love?! I stopped avoiding the parts of me that were hurting. The parts that I had abandoned all this time. I faced my biggest fear, mirrors. And I started being present with my emotions.

For 15 years, I’ve fully believed that I have no attributes. This was so extremely hard to heal. Thinking that phrase “no attributes” literally made my heart feel so much pain. I’ve done a lot of inner child work in therapy. And that version of me that heard that the first time, is the part of me that had been in the driver seat of my life. She had taken the wheel and did whatever she could to protect and keep me safe. That was the first step in healing, thanking that kiddo for protecting me and let her know she doesn’t have to drive anymore.

Once I took the driver seat back, things got much easier. I’ve faced my fears, every single day! I look in the mirror and smile. I’ve gained weight. And am finally realizing that I won’t have an eating disorder forever.

Now I put on my favorite music and dance naked around my apartment. It’s so freeing! Women spend nearly an hour (or more haha) in front of a mirror. So imagine spending that much time and hating what you see. It’s all a lie! I don’t have to be thin to be loved. When I realized that, everything changed for me. In fact, I see my flaws and I tell them that I love them. All parts of me are welcome.

It all changed for me when I realized my thoughts that tell me all these negative things are just thoughts. And at the end of the day, I can choose what thoughts to believe. I can choose how I react and what emotions I feel. And you know what, I’m sick of feel sad. So I let those thoughts pass by. I don’t acknowledge them. I replace that negative thought with something positive.

When you love yourself, life is limitless. I can do anything I want. Wear whatever I want. I’ve let go of the shackles of expectation and judgement, and started living from my heart.