Childhood Abandonment

Have you ever wondered if your childhood was traumatic? Can your parents abandon you but we at home with you every day? I realized the my answer was yes when I was 25.

So to start, my father pasted away when I was 10, so I already had an unknown abandonment issue. After that all I had was my mother and sister.

After my dad past, my life flipped upside down and I was oblivious to how toxic my mother became. I get it, loosing your partner is probably excruciatingly painful. But abandoning your kids is too. My mother started drinking right after. All the time. All day. It took me years to realize what was going on.

She was always home, made us dinner and even watched tv with us at night. In a way, she was a cool mom. All my friends loved her. As time went on, her drinking became so bad that she would be drunk at her job, come home and immediately pass out. And not wake up till the next morning. She gave up on taking care of us.

After awhile my sister stepped up, started taking care of me. In a way, becoming my mother. (That’s a whole other story for later!) My sister started doing everything. Grocery shopping, cooking dinner, laundry, all the stuff your mom would do. The only time we would see mom is when she would drunkenly scream at us. We had now lost our dad and our mom.

It was tough. It was just my sister and I and even that faded because I eventually resented her for mothering me.

That’s a long story short. Growing up like this effected almost every aspect of my life. Especially my relationships and how I carry and present myself. I loved picking fights with my partners. Loved screaming. Only wanted to be in control. I was 100% a toxic girlfriend.

As I got older, I was aware of my behaviors and I’d warn future partners of all my baggage. Explained I was the worst at confrontation. My toxic behaviors led to abusive relationships. I always thought I could change my mom, make her stop drinking. Make her become my mom again. So I thought I could make my abusive partner change.

Absolutely not.

When I turned 25 I decided it was time to take control of my life. And stop letting my trauma beliefs run my life. Abandonment issues made me never want to be alone. Even if my partner was hitting and verbally abusing me. And my worthlessness issues made me think I deserved it. That I wasn’t good enough to find someone who treats me with respect.

Well guess what, after two years of therapy and coaching. Processing and reliving all these traumas. I’ve learned that even tho my mother was there, every single day, she abandoned me.

Abandonment wounds are hard. They make you feel lonely, even with your best friends. It made me feel deathly scared that every person I had in my life was going to leave me. Or if they stayed, they didn’t actually love me.

How did I heal this? I realized that yes, I was abandoned by my family. But the worst part, I had abandoned MYSELF. I didn’t love myself, I didn’t take care of myself and I sure as hell wasn’t present with myself either. Once I realized that, and years of work I told myself I would never feel abandoned again. I never have to feel that way again, because no matter what I will be there for myself. I will love and take care of myself. I will never be alone again.

More in depth stories to come.