My Year of Self Love

I have always loved New Years, even more than Christmas. For me, New Year's Day has always felt like a magical fresh start with a clean slate, a chance to make plans and sort my life out once and for all. It also helps that we have a family tradition of going to the beach every year, which is my happy place. For years I have approached the impending New Year with hope, optimism and insanely lofty goals only to drag myself across the years finish line frustrated and disappointed with myself and ready to do it all over again. Desperate for change, something, anything, please.

I remember reading Eat, Pray, Love years ago on the recommendation of others who raved to me about the inspiration and enlightenment they had gotten from it, unfortunately it just pissed me right off. As a single mum with actual responsibilities I was sick of reading about single women with no attachments setting out on adventures and finding themselves. I thought to myself, I would happily and easily find myself in Italy, India or Bali with no one to worry about but myself!! But the best I could do was 15 minutes by myself for coffee on my way to work. In my mind it just wasn't fair, I was trapped in a life I created before I knew enough about the life I wanted to create and now there was nothing I could do about it, except make my New Years goals that I never achieved.

I was sick of it. Fed up with disappointment and fed up with setting myself up to fail. So I just stopped. I stopped making New Years resolutions and just enjoyed the sparklers and fireworks on the beach with my family. I enjoyed my early morning beach walk on New Years Eve to bid the past year goodbye and enjoyed my New Years Day beach walk to welcome in the New Year. And that was that. My New Years became gentle and easy, just a celebration with my family and no pressure. Slide on in with no fuss and quietly start a fresh new diary. It was peaceful and I enjoyed the moment more but still not a lot changed.

This year was different. After a year that stood out significantly on the suckful year list; stressful job, trip to South America canceled, COVID-19 just to mention the highlights, for the first time in years I felt compelled to set my intentions for 2021. One of the the bright spots in my 2020 was completing my yoga teacher accreditation, and as I took my New Years Eve beach walk I found myself reflecting on Buddha's wife Yasodhara, who found enlightenment through her daily life, rather than by leaving it behind as Buddha did. This was a story that resonated with me and sparked hope within my soul.

As I walked along the beach at 5am on the 31st of December 2020, it became crystal clear to me that no matter where I am in the world, being the person I want to be and creating the life I dream of all starts with me exactly where I am right now. The benefit of 20/20 hindsight I guess. I knew innately that this was not going to be an exercise in setting myself up to fail, but an opportunity to set myself up to succeed. In that moment I decided that 2021 is my Year of Self Love.

Every decision that I make this year begins with the same question: Am I doing this from a place of love? If so, game on, if not, no thank you. And the beautiful thing about this intention is I don't have to leave home or abandon my children, who I actually love quite a lot, to achieve it. Having set this intention I felt a huge sense of relief, which was a lovely change from the usual sense of impending failure. The icing on my cake was the rainbow that appeared just as I set my intention. Coincidence? Probably. Sign from the Universe that I am on the right track? Yep, that's my version and I'm sticking with it.

Two weeks in and I'd be lying if I said self love was easy, when you haven't practiced it in a very long time it brings up some messy baggage. But it is going well so far. I have accepted that alcohol is not my friend and we have broken up. I have been kind to my body and she is very grateful for this as she has had to put up with a LOT of abuse over the years while I punished her for not matching societal expectations. I have re-evaluated my career and started looking for new ways to share my skills and knowledge without sacrificing my whole existence and my relationships with those most important to me. And, most importantly I have started listening to my inner child, who has been screaming for my attention for years, and begun healing the wounds that have held me back.

So here is to 2021 whatever it unleashes. Here's to a year where I simply cannot fail myself because love never fails.