My Nook

I've always been concerned with finding where I belong. If you asked me today probably laugh it off and change the subject. It's been a long time since I've actually admitted to my shortcomings. Like my fear of being alone, that gets hidden by the anxiety I get when I'm in public. This and more still affects my daily life. A tug-o-war of extremes. Some days I get through with confidence. While others I wake up feeling like the same kid that got bullied at school.

I know that picking at old wounds can bring hurt, yet I do it again, and again,......... and again. At this point, I'm wondering if I'm a masochist. There is satisfaction in that pain though. It reminds and reinforces. Telling me not to let it happen again. Affirming my insecurities. But that's all these memories are good for. They give me a false sense of peace. A safe place made of aerogel pillars and rice paper walls.

As an individual, there is nothing more reassuring than finding a sense of self. The bit of myself that I've come to comprehend has become something of an anchor. Making me a little more steadfast in the face of adversity. Honestly, I don't know when it happened. You would think that I had some kind of epiphany. " I now see what I've been doing wrong!" But no, I was told about how much I've changed by a family member. I haven't seen them in a while and that's the first thing they mentioned. Followed by the obligatory jab at my weight.

All that aside, I started to see it too. No more a fragile structure that would break with a whisper. In its place stood something more akin to a wooden shack. Can it still be destroyed? With effort, yes. There's obviously more work to be done. As we're all works in progress, it seems I'm on the right track.

Now as an adult, even though I still have these daemons, I've come to understand them a little better. I realize that they made me who I am. That they're only a problem if I close myself off from feeling them again. There was a lesson to be learned from every experience I've had. All the humiliations, embarrassments, rejections, failures, fears, and yes even the pains. I've found sanctuary in the thought that I'll be ready for any repeat instance. A little space to draw some strength from. My Nook.