Dear Body

Dear Body,

I’m sorry for hating you.

I’m sorry for blaming you for the abuse.

I’m sorry for hurting you and trying to make you go away.

I’m sorry for trying to change everything about you.

You didn’t deserve what happened to you.

You didn’t deserve the abuse.

You didn’t deserve to be mistreated.

You don’t deserve to way I treat you now.

I so long to feel safe in you.

I don’t right now.

But I would give anything to feel safe with you.

It’s not our fault that we don’t feel safe with each other.

The abuse did that.

The trauma.

I’d like to heal things with you now.

I’d like to be closer to you and not hate you anymore.

I’d love to be able to love you and accept you if that’s possible.

You were a victim of the abuse, just like me.

What you did was an attempt to keep us safe.

I know you didn’t enjoy the abuse either, no matter how you reacted to it.

You are innocent, just like me.

I’d like to take care of you now.

I’d like to feed you and let you rest.

No more starving and pushing to exhaustion.

You deserve to rest.

It’s ok if you get bigger.

Do what you need.

We’re all healing together and we need different things.

I’ll try not to hate you for getting bigger.

But you’ll have to be patient with me.

Here is to learning to love each other.

Thank you for keeping me alive.

Love, Rebecca