The Bloody Origins of Valentine’s Day: A Darkly Romantic History

Ah, Valentine’s Day—the one day a year when we’re all expected to profess our love with overpriced chocolate, flowers that die within a week, and Hallmark cards dripping with saccharine declarations of eternal devotion. But how did we get here? How did a holiday built on grand romantic gestures, candlelit dinners, and unbearable PDA actually come to exist?

Well, buckle up, lovebirds, because the origins of Valentine’s Day aren’t as sweet as a heart-shaped box of chocolates. In fact, they’re soaked in blood, betrayal, and just the right amount of religious irony to make you question why we even celebrate it in the first place.

Lupercalia: The OG Valentine’s Day (That No One Asked For)

Before Cupid and his mischievous little arrows started meddling in people’s love lives, the Romans had a festival called Lupercalia, celebrated from February 13th to 15th. Unlike today’s modern holiday, which is about love and affection, Lupercalia was more about sacrificing animals, whipping women, and playing a lottery of questionable consent—you know, typical ancient Roman fun.

Here’s how it worked:

1. A group of priests called the Luperci would sacrifice a goat (for fertility) and a dog (for purification), because apparently, nothing screams “romance” like ritualistic animal murder.

2. They’d then cut the goat’s hide into strips, dip them in blood, and run around the city whipping women with the bloody remains. Why? Because it was believed to make them more fertile. And if there’s one thing women love, it’s being chased by half-naked men wielding fresh meat.

3. To wrap up the festivities, single men and women were randomly paired together via a love lottery, and many of these pairings ended in marriage—because nothing strengthens the foundation of a relationship like being picked at random in a festival of public flogging.

Enter Saint Valentine: The Man, The Myth, The Martyr

By the third century A.D., the Roman Empire had started cracking down on all things fun, and Lupercalia was losing its popularity (probably because women got tired of being slapped with goat guts). But don’t worry, this is where Saint Valentine steps in—and by “steps in,” I mean gets brutally executed.

There are actually multiple Saint Valentines in Christian history (because “Valentine” was apparently the ancient equivalent of “John”), but the one most associated with the holiday was a Roman priest who secretly performed weddings for Christian couples. At the time, Emperor Claudius II had banned marriages for young men, believing that single men made better soldiers than lovestruck husbands. Valentine, however, believed in love more than he feared decapitation.

Spoiler alert: he was wrong.

Valentine continued his wedding business until Claudius found out and had him arrested. While in prison, legend says that Valentine fell in love with the jailer’s daughter (because what else do you do while waiting to be executed?). Before his inevitable demise, he allegedly wrote her a letter signed “From your Valentine,” which, despite being the OG breakup letter, became the blueprint for the modern Valentine’s Day card.

Unfortunately, love didn’t conquer all. Valentine was beaten, stoned, and eventually beheaded on February 14th, 269 A.D.—thus making him the official patron saint of love, which is just about the worst job title for someone who was brutally murdered for playing matchmaker.

Medieval Love Letters: When Romance Got Weird

Fast forward to the Middle Ages, and people were desperate to make Valentine’s Day less about execution and more about affection. Enter Geoffrey Chaucer, the poet who wrote The Canterbury Tales and inadvertently helped commercialize love.

In his poem Parlement of Foules, Chaucer linked February 14th with romantic love, claiming it was the day birds chose their mates (which, fun fact, is not scientifically accurate, but medieval people believed a lot of nonsense, so here we are). Soon, nobles and peasants alike started writing each other Valentine’s love notes, which meant we had officially gone from bloody sacrifices to “Roses are red, violets are blue.”

By the 1700s, handwritten love letters became all the rage, and by the 1800s, someone realized they could charge people for pre-written sentiments—thus birthing the modern Valentine’s Day card industry.

Modern Valentine’s Day: Capitalism, Consumerism, and Crushed Hopes

Today, Valentine’s Day is a multi-billion-dollar industry, and you can’t escape it even if you try. Whether you’re single, taken, or “it’s complicated,” the holiday now revolves around one thing: spending money to prove your love.

• Need to show your devotion? Buy a $100 bouquet of roses that will die in three days.

• Want to impress your date? Enjoy a price-gouged dinner at a restaurant packed with other couples silently questioning their life choices.

• Forgot to buy a gift? Congratulations, you are now in the doghouse until further notice.

Meanwhile, for single people, the holiday serves as an annual reminder of their romantic misfortunes, which is why February 15th (also known as “Discount Chocolate Day”) is the real MVP of the season.

Final Thoughts: Should We Even Be Celebrating This?

At its core, Valentine’s Day is a Frankenstein’s monster of historical oddities: a pagan fertility festival, a gruesome execution, some medieval poetry, and a whole lot of commercial exploitation. Yet, somehow, we still celebrate it every year as if it’s the epitome of romance.

So, the next time you’re guilt-tripped into buying an expensive gift or forced into an awkward Valentine’s Day dinner, just remember: this entire holiday started with blood sacrifices and a beheading.

And really, what’s more romantic than that?