The Quandry!

Get a job! Or… get out!

a strident voice demands.

Outrageous! I haven’t just been reading and devouring chips and choccies!

A demented woodpecker couldn’t match my furious attack on my hapless computer keyboard. Several eye blinks later, I’ve applied for six jobs as diverse as the Painted Desert sands. Mum’s ‘jaw drop’ delivers a dopamine hit similar to devouring an entire block of Toblerone in one sitting. Every single job application is valid… not one ‘International Space Station’ cleaning job amongst them!

Peering through smudged reading glasses, Mum sceptically inspects my impressive list.

Pet minding, Dog-walker. Feeding and exercising cuddly balls of fluff won’t seem like work but will rake in the dollars.

Home Ice-cream factory worker. Now that would be a cool place to work! Tasty too!

Grocery store team member. Been there, done that before … I reckon I could do it in my sleep.

Coleman’s Chicken Coop. What’s not to love about cute cuddly chickens?

Post Office Mail Sorter. Wading knee deep in Christmas mail, whilst lesser mortals sleep their nights away? Sounds fun! I’d have all day to play.

Lettuce Packing Shed worker. What a commendable way to pay my way... saving our nation of ‘Fast Food’ consumers from the bane of obesity.

My nerves wear thin, enduring an interminable wait for the abovementioned ‘honoured’ businesses to welcome me onto their team. Who will ‘win’ this employment race?

A ‘chicken interview’ flies my way. Suddenly, the role of ‘live scarecrow’ — amidst a tornado of flapping wings — in a cavernous barn, loses its allure.

Everyone’s desperate for me to join their workplace!

Your sleep will be ruined if you work Night Shift, sorting mail. ‘Axe murders’ will lurk outside your midnight start!

Mum’s sage advice has me declining ‘Sorting Letters’ in favour of ‘Sorting Lettuce’. Fourteen freezing shifts later — gowned, gloved and masked with only Iceberg Lettuce for company — I abandon the mantle of ‘Super Salmonella Warrior’. Chilled to the bone, I flee. Scratch the Ice-cream job too.

Please ‘Dog Sit’ for the weekend.

Belatedly, I realise, $56/Dog Sit is not so lucrative across 62 hours.

Yes! I’m offered the Grocery Store job! However, I have no idea in which area, days or hours I would be employed. Horror! I might pledge to work every weekend in ‘Meat’, ‘Fruit and Vegge’ or worse… on ‘Check-outs’ serving abusive, unhinged customers. Hell, or The Devil!?

I need a job! I want a job! A panic attack looms like a storm cloud threatening to engulf me.

Ting!

My phone displays a random text from Mum’s friend.

Ring Loretta for work in ‘Aged Care’.

No way can I survive working in a Nursing Home! Too depressing and sad. But wait! This is almost too good to be true!

Community Carer for the Aged. I collect ‘Grannies’ and ‘Grandads’ like others collect Star Wars action figures! I’ll kick up my heels at Coffee shops and Doctors’ rooms. Push poodles in prams!

Loretta loves me… I start tomorrow!