The Great Roast

If you live in the UK, like me, Sunday is the best day of the week. That's when we do the Sunday roast, be it chicken, beef, or pork, with all the trimmings. Some of us make it ourselves, some go home for a visit, but it's one of the things, like the Tea Alarm, that unites us.

I've seen clips on socials of "American tries roast dinner for the first time!" and the responses are mixed. Usually, the poor bugger has gone to a restaurant somewhere, which can be a bit hit and miss. A carvery is unlikely to give you a good experience. It's mass-produced, like school dinners, and sat for hours before it gets on your plate. Get invited into someone home, or round to someone's Nan's, and have a proper one!

Meat

It's chicken for us; it's the one meat we all like, whereas lamb and pork tend to divide the room a bit. Beef is a big fave, but oh lordy it costs an arm and a leg. Whatever your poison, it needs to rest. Factor it in to the cooking time. This frees up your oven for your...

Yorkshire Puddings

Traditionally, these are supposed to be served with beef, but a lot of families love them so much, we have them with every roast dinner. I'd go so far as to say, it's not a proper roast without one.

The trick is, the oil has to be screaming hot. You only need a tsp or so in each hole. I prefer to use a muffin pan, to guide the yorkies to a good upright shape. The batter is easy, this is the one I use:

In the morning, (yes, it's worth planning ahead,) sift 100g of plain flour and a pinch of salt together. Make a well, and break 2 medium eggs into it. Whisk the absolute shit out of it. Add 100 mls of milk, still beating it like it owes you money. Then 50mls of (very cold) water.

**********Rest it.**********

Everyone agrees on that part. Some people reckon it should be at room temp when it goes into the oven; I get better results if it's been rested all day in the fridge.

When you start blanching your potatoes, pop your pan in to get hot. When the potatoes go in, put a bit of oil in each muffin hole, and put it back in the oven. Seriously. It needs to be really really really hot.

When you shake your taters and take the meat out for resting, whack the heat up a bit (225C, don't be shy) and pour in the batter. Each muffin hole needs to be barely half full, and you need to be quick so none of it cools down. Get it back in the oven pronto, and for the love of all that does not suck, do not open the fucking door. For at least 15 minutes, otherwise they will sink, and they will be flat and disappointing, like the rest of your life.

Roast Potatoes

It's definitely not a proper roast dinner without these! Have some mash as well, if you like, whatever floats your gravy boat, but you have to have roasties. It's the law.

The edges have to be crisp, and the innards have to be fluffy. Don't be shy with seasoning, either. Roasties can make or break the dinner.

Here is how you do:

Slop a big slug of vegetable oil in a roasting pan, pop that in a hot oven to, well, get hot.

Peel and chop your taters into big, even chunks. I like Albert Bartlett ones. They turn out great with a lovely texture.

Boil them for 5-10 minutes. You can just use lightly salted water, but I use stock to make them extra tasty.

Drain, and (this is very important) fluff the edges by shaking them about in the colander. Sprinkle liberally with flour and a bit of seasoning, and shake some more. Use a bit of paprika as well, for a smoky edge. You need to roast them in that hot oil for about 40 minutes, and shake again halfway through.

Stuffing

This tends to go with chicken or pork. There are different variations. For a chicken dinner, sage and onion stuffing is a popular choice. At Christmas, you might have a fancy one with cranberries served up with your turkey. Some people make it into balls, others squash it into a receptacle and hack servings out of it once it's cooked. (Guess which one is me*.)

I just get it out of a packet (add boiling water and a knob of butter) and I add a bit of sausage meat to fancy it up a bit.

Gravy

Something to do while your meat is resting, because, you know, you don't have enough pans on the go, and balls in the air! (Seriously, put your balls away.)

British gravy is not like American gravy, the kind you get when you have "biscuits and gravy".

It's rich, thick, brown, savoury, and it's made from the juices of the roasted meat. You can make it in advance from wings or giblets or whatever, or if you don't have time for that (like me), you can just add stock and thickener to the meat juice.

The Yorkshire pudding batter is a superb thickener, by the way. I add a slosh of cold water to the meat juices first, to cool them a bit. Otherwise, the batter will start cooking as soon as it hits it, and that will make it lumpy. Listen, nobody likes a lumpy gravy. Bleurghhhh.

So: cool it down first, and then add a slosh of batter and whisk like your life depends on it, or like you're making a hollandaise without a stick blender and Marcus Waring is staring at you with his beady blue eyes. It will stay thin and runny for a minute, but as it heats up again, and the flour cooks, it will thicken beautifully. I save the stock from boiling the potatoes, and use that. Sometimes I add some veg water as well. I don't add salt, there is usually enough in the stock.

Veg

Carrots and broccoli are widely accepted, but peas and sweetcorn are a controversial choice. Cabbage is fine, and so is cauliflower, but they aren't very popular. I like babycorn, but don't tell anyone, I might get hanged. Boil or steam them while your meat is resting.

There are other ways to prep your veg, though. Roasting is a good option, but your oven is already pretty busy, so you might not have space. I love to roast butternut squash with a drizzle of chilli oil, or else in butter with bell peppers, mushrooms, garlic and thyme.

Parsnips seem to have fallen out of fashion lately, which I think is a shame. When I was growing up, they were often roasted with the potatoes. For decades, I thought I didn't like them, but then I realised... This is because as a potato they suck, but as a parsnip, they are actually really bloody tasty. I prefer to roast them in a separate dish, either glazed in honey, or covered in cream and nutmeg.

Wine

We like a South African chenin, chilled. If we are having beef (gosh, pushing the boat out), it tends to be a Malbec.

Dessert

We have pavlova a lot. I can make a mean one, but it's a faff, so I usually just buy one.

Better yet, go proper British and have something you can have with custard! Tart, pie, or sticky toffee pudding. I'm half German, so I go for Strudel quite a lot (I buy it; I'm not insane).

For full marks, make a crumble**. Crumble is the absolute dogs bollocks. Apples are the go to choice, but you can put other stuff in there if you want. I like drizzling caramel over the fruit before I put the topping on, and I like putting oats in the topping so it goes a bit like a flapjack (don't start!) - sweet, slightly chewy, crispy at the edges.

After all that, you'll be knackered. Stuff yourself, have a nice little nap on the sofa in front of Countryfile, and make someone else wash up.

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* I'm a hacker, not a ball fondler

** If you are a Friday Night Dinner fan, you have to say, "ooh, crimble crumble" in the comments so I can find my tribe.

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Thanks for reading!