grief
Losing a family member is one of the most traumatic life events; Families must support one another to endure the five stages of grief and get through it together.
Life Without My Son
I never imagined being pregnant with my first child would end like this. The feeling of your presence was well known even though I was in denial I knew the possibility of you. Found out I was pregnant with my baby boy when I was four months carried him for 8 months. His passing was so tragic to not know what was the real reason behind his death. I held my baby for a whole day after birth which I knew his spirits was with me when his little eyes and mouth open. No he didn’t make a sound but I felt him take his last breath. It’s been almost 3 years since his passing and it still feels like yesterday when I lost him. Trying to cope with it has been hard because nobody around me understand the hurt of losing a child that you was carrying, getting ready for and for it to all go away within a blink of an eye hurts. Everyday I try to make up an excuse on what could be the reason behind it all but I don’t have not one answer which hurts the most. I wasn’t fully ready to be someone mother but I knew the possibility of how a baby comes without protection but to know my son had peace and love around him brought me a little happiness. I got him cremated and everywhere I go I carry him around because I know his spirit be in my presence I could be tripping or it could be just a feeling. I know and met a lot of women who experience the same thing or similar things as me who I’ve talked to. Hearing multiple women stories and sharing mines helped me cope within myself as well. Losing a child whether u 5 weeks , 5 months or the baby 5 years old a lost is a lost. Depression still kicks in everyday but losing my mother have also taught me how to cope with a loss. Everyday it still hold a hole in my heart feels like my chest caving in like I’m losing my breath when it hit reality that I really lost my son. Knowing my baby could’ve been saved but they didn’t hurts more than anything. Felt like I didn’t fight harder enough to save him. Blame myself for a whole year for his death. Didn’t have nobody to talk to. Feeling suicidal. Wanna give everything up. I get it but I’m here to tell anyone who lost a child that you never alone someone always there to listen and understand the pain you feeling. Every year I celebrate his death date & his birthday which is a day apart crazy right but I just learn how to accept him being gone, live his name, hold his urn every night and pray with him. Some might still call it denial but I call it my way of healing. I’m only 21 years old how I pictured my pregnancy and how it happened two different directions I wasn’t expecting but overall I’m happy he chose me as his mother, gave me a chance to experience something I always wanted. A Family. I never grew up with a lot of love so I knew when I have my child I’ll have that love I was missing. I cherish our little moments in my heart forever that little piece is what helps me get through it everyday. This is just a beginning of my beautiful story. I love writing so expect a lot of stories from me I would love sharing. Writing is like a peace of mind to me hopefully my stories can help one of you.
By Sanquisha Paden5 years ago in Families
Recovery
Today is when I start. For a long time I have knew that there was a reason for the continuous suffering. Even still as I begin, I don’t know where this road will be going, but I do know that I was the one chosen to travel it. I have found myself asking why, what was I supposed to learn or accomplish from years of loss, tragedies, suffering, and pain? Why was I having to battle everyday with new suffering, year after year? Would it ever stop? Now in my older ages, I have finally realized that none of it was really all about me at all. This life that I am about to share with you, turned out to be about us all. Everyone that I ever saw or made contact with. Even you, as you read this page.
By Lisa Buffington5 years ago in Families
My daughter was born without a brain.
As I approach my daughter Raelyns 1 year birthday and also 1 year anniversary of her death. I decided I will write about her for the world to read. She was one amazing little girl she lived for 23 days! I was very lucky because most only live for an hour if they even survive the pregnancy. Rewind to Labor Day 2019 my mom came and picked me up to go to the 3D ultrasound. I was very nervous because my second born was born just a few months earlier and she was born missing huge patches of skin among other problems with the placenta detaching at 32 weeks and having a surprise birth where she was flown to Seattle children’s for care, but this is another story for another day. Back to Labor Day my mom picked me up and we headed too sweet pea a 3D ultrasound place the special kind like the ones you pay cash for. Anyways I layed on the bed and she put the wand on my belly we confirmed she was a girl my third we laughed, but then the ultrasound tech got very quiet and I saw tears in her eyes and she said who is your doctor ? I asked if something was wrong and she said I believe your daughter has anencephaly she doesn’t have a brain, or a skull and her head is open. We all bawled and she suggested I get her heartbeat and put it in a little bear I chose a lama. I remember just screaming once I got home she has no brain , she has no brain it was awful I was hysterical once I got home and told almost everyone I knew. My sister decided to take me to the doctor to confirm and I got my confirmation. My doctor called and said she was incompatible with life and I had two options abort or keep going on with the pregnancy. I chose to continue I kept praying this was all some big mistake I actually got myself believing Jesus was going to heal her and told everyone I knew she would be a miracle. I even went on stage at a church and the guy prayed for her to be healed. I truely believed it and fought with everyone who said differently. Fast forward to January 13th 2020 the day of my c section. I was so scared I ran in the bathroom first thing and didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want my baby to die, I debated running away and keeping her inside me as long as I could. 12 pm came and they took me to the operating room where minutes later my baby girl Raelyn was here and she was just how the doctor said but she did everything they said she wouldn’t she cried, moved, went to the bathroom, and even breastfed. She was amazing . I was so scared she would die any minute so I spent as much time as possible with her minutes turned to hours and hours turned into days. My heart was full I had all three of my girls in one house life was great. Then February 5th rolled around 1 day after her biggest sisters birthday she didn’t feel right, she felt like she was full of water I didn’t understand then around 10 am that morning she started spewing what smelled like acid from her nose eyes and mouth. I kept trying to suck everything out and was screaming no not like this please Jesus not like this. I called the hospice nurse thinking she would help me revive her but she told me to just hold her about an hour later she took her last breath and was gone. I kept her for the rest of the day until evening and then took her to the funeral home . I didn’t want to leave her it felt so wrong. Her funeral days later was beautiful my friend Katherine did everything for me because I couldn’t bear. I miss her so much and tell her story whenever I get that chance. In the beginning when I first found out I thought this was a curse but in the end it was the biggest blessing of my life .
By Krystalyn Trammel5 years ago in Families
Memories of my Father
As I sit here in front of my computer screen, my heart is breaking, and I feel a sense of loss of a man I looked up to and respected for all of my life. My mind began to raceway back as far as I could remember. The first memories which came to my mind were when I just about lost my life at four years old.
By Lorne Vanderwoude5 years ago in Families
Surviving The Murder of An Adult Child
Zachary was a wonderful and happy soul who battled inner demons that, in my opinion, were generational in nature. Zach had co-occurring mental health and substance use disorders, (depression, anxiety, and substance use). He had been a victim of the "Kids for Cash" scam in Pennsylvania in the early 2000s. This messed him up mentally and emotionally, but at the age of 27, he was doing well. He was getting his life on track. He was working, had his own rental home, and had his very first car. He was doing everything a healthy adult should do. He was in a relationship with a young woman he truly cared for, and they were expecting a child.
By Bridget J. DeFalco5 years ago in Families
Happy New Year !! Here's to 2021 kicking 2020's a**
SDear Dad, Today's is our favorite holiday New Years Eve. I really wish I could get myself up out of bed. I wish I could get myself to have enough energy to take a shower and get dressed for today like before but unfortunately I just can't seem to find it in myself to. It's almost crazy to me how little control I have over my own emotions these days. My mind is screaming at me to try and enjoy today like any other year but my heart just won't allow it because normally by now my phone would be blowing up by you asking me millions of times why I haven't showed up to your house yet or am I bringing ALL the essentials for tonight. You were always yelling at me for never being on time but yet when I showed up finally it was like the best moment for you. I'll never forget you coming up to me with your arms wide open and saying "About time you have arrived almost midnight" even though it would be literally seven o'clock haha.. you were so silly just always making me laugh even when I didn't want to. My body is so weak all I wanna do is sleep all day but I refuse to because I know how disappointed you would be looking down on me. So I am writing this in hopes it will give me the strength to finally start my day. I shall rise up for you and live in your name dad. I shall find it in me to celebrate life and the new year for you tonight. I hope you can be proud of me now; you always told me I needed to enjoy life more. All the things you would be so proud of me for that I finally found the strength to accomplish this year even if it was one of the worst years in decades ha surprising right? It just eats me up knowing it took you passing to actually get that power inside for myself to do all those things finally but I also thank you because it was as if you were giving me all of your own strength that you had left since you saw no reason for it now as you are stronger then ever before.
By Amanda lynn5 years ago in Families
Another day without you down here with me.
Dear dad, I miss you more then words could ever be able to form and say. Nothings the same nor will it ever be the same with out you down here with me. Every day I wake up and I feel wrong; Guilty if you would, why should someone who don't wanna be here still be here but yet someone who deserves to be here isn't anymore.The stroke is when it all started and I thought I was blessed then for getting you to the hospital on time. I saved you once and I should have never stopped trying after. You got better to only start getting bad all over again but this time the lead suspect being depression. I think i kept telling my self in a way you were invincible so everything was fine and you would be back to normal ol Tom again soon but boy was i oh so wrong. I feel responsible for your passing in a few ways and it eats me alive inside. I should have called more, I should have visited more, I shouldn't have picked a job that I hated over the only person in this world that had my whole heart. If I could i would go back, if I could i would tell you I love you more, if I could i would have forced you to come out your house more with me and we could've lived life fully together as we both deserved. I think back on all the memories i have of not only you but us together and they are something i will cherish till my last breath on this cold round ball we call Earth is gone. Dad you were my hero, my teacher, my healer, my couch, my therapist, my mechanic, my fisherman and so much more all in one person. Everything I am and know today is all thanks to you. When it was just you and I against the world the days were dark but they got brighter for atleast we had eachother. I shouldn't have left you causing it to become dark all over again for you but this time you were completely alone and had no one else to help lift you up for that ill never forgive myself. We should have been healing eachother but instead I left you to slowly lose all light and eventually all your pedals fell off and you were left a root. Till the day even that root hardened and dried up because I wasn't there to cherish , nourish, and water it daily. I hope you are happier then I could ever be down here without you now and I hope you are getting everything you have ever wanted and deserved up there wherever you are now. I try to talk to you daily and i hold my necklace with you in it every day I wake up and close my eyes. You will stay with me forever and you will always be number one in my heart and in my head. Please just call one more time so I can hear your voice again; oh what I would do to just hear i love you from your voice again. I can't wait for the day I can say hi to your face and not to the clouds. So I guess till that day ill stay here remembering you , talking about you and keeping your soul alive down here with me and those you loved dearly. I love you daddy forever and always to the moon and back. Keep resting easy.
By Amanda lynn5 years ago in Families
Just Joshin' You 3
You hear people say "it's time to move on" a lot when it comes to "grief victims" as we're called. Like somehow suddenly everyone has a time frame of when they shouldn't be sad anymore. After almost a year of my husband's passing, I heard someone say "You don't move on, you move forward. Your deceased person will never be something you just get over, you'll never be fully healed, but you learn to move forward. They're still, and will always be, a part of your life". And I absolutely love that. There's no straight line with grief. You don't have the starting point then an ending point. You can go days, months, years with feeling "fine" and then have complete break downs. If you haven't been through grief, which I hope you haven't, then you can't understand. And that's fine, I hope you never have to. But please, allow people to grieve their lost loves, any time they want, for the rest of their lives.
By Elizabeth Nolen5 years ago in Families
Too Soon
You should be here...I haven't even been able to allow myself to cry because I'm paralyzed in shock. You deserved so much more than what you received in this life. Maybe that was due to your own decisions, maybe it was due to your environment, I'll never know. The only thing I'm left with is the good times we shared. You are teaching me to annunciate my words when rapping to our favorite rap songs.
By Travae Jones5 years ago in Families
Painting
Hi Dad, It's strange to tell you about this in this way but I can't really show you. I started painting and I really think you would have like it if you were still here. See I needed a hobby after failing at doing anything else and mum always tells me I need to do something with my free time. I always wonder what you would be doing... probably just re-watching the same shows over and over, which would drive me and mum crazy... well, until an episode we liked was on. I miss those moments but it's something I can't recreate so I have to change so: painting.
By Heather Whittall5 years ago in Families
