Sanquisha Paden

Life Without My Son

I never imagined being pregnant with my first child would end like this. The feeling of your presence was well known even though I was in denial I knew the possibility of you. Found out I was pregnant with my baby boy when I was four months carried him for 8 months. His passing was so tragic to not know what was the real reason behind his death. I held my baby for a whole day after birth which I knew his spirits was with me when his little eyes and mouth open. No he didn’t make a sound but I felt him take his last breath. It’s been almost 3 years since his passing and it still feels like yesterday when I lost him. Trying to cope with it has been hard because nobody around me understand the hurt of losing a child that you was carrying, getting ready for and for it to all go away within a blink of an eye hurts. Everyday I try to make up an excuse on what could be the reason behind it all but I don’t have not one answer which hurts the most. I wasn’t fully ready to be someone mother but I knew the possibility of how a baby comes without protection but to know my son had peace and love around him brought me a little happiness. I got him cremated and everywhere I go I carry him around because I know his spirit be in my presence I could be tripping or it could be just a feeling. I know and met a lot of women who experience the same thing or similar things as me who I’ve talked to. Hearing multiple women stories and sharing mines helped me cope within myself as well. Losing a child whether u 5 weeks , 5 months or the baby 5 years old a lost is a lost. Depression still kicks in everyday but losing my mother have also taught me how to cope with a loss. Everyday it still hold a hole in my heart feels like my chest caving in like I’m losing my breath when it hit reality that I really lost my son. Knowing my baby could’ve been saved but they didn’t hurts more than anything. Felt like I didn’t fight harder enough to save him. Blame myself for a whole year for his death. Didn’t have nobody to talk to. Feeling suicidal. Wanna give everything up. I get it but I’m here to tell anyone who lost a child that you never alone someone always there to listen and understand the pain you feeling. Every year I celebrate his death date & his birthday which is a day apart crazy right but I just learn how to accept him being gone, live his name, hold his urn every night and pray with him. Some might still call it denial but I call it my way of healing. I’m only 21 years old how I pictured my pregnancy and how it happened two different directions I wasn’t expecting but overall I’m happy he chose me as his mother, gave me a chance to experience something I always wanted. A Family. I never grew up with a lot of love so I knew when I have my child I’ll have that love I was missing. I cherish our little moments in my heart forever that little piece is what helps me get through it everyday. This is just a beginning of my beautiful story. I love writing so expect a lot of stories from me I would love sharing. Writing is like a peace of mind to me hopefully my stories can help one of you.