Happy New Year !! Here's to 2021 kicking 2020's a**
I managed for you pops love always.
SDear Dad,
Today's is our favorite holiday New Years Eve. I really wish I could get myself up out of bed. I wish I could get myself to have enough energy to take a shower and get dressed for today like before but unfortunately I just can't seem to find it in myself to. It's almost crazy to me how little control I have over my own emotions these days. My mind is screaming at me to try and enjoy today like any other year but my heart just won't allow it because normally by now my phone would be blowing up by you asking me millions of times why I haven't showed up to your house yet or am I bringing ALL the essentials for tonight. You were always yelling at me for never being on time but yet when I showed up finally it was like the best moment for you. I'll never forget you coming up to me with your arms wide open and saying "About time you have arrived almost midnight" even though it would be literally seven o'clock haha.. you were so silly just always making me laugh even when I didn't want to. My body is so weak all I wanna do is sleep all day but I refuse to because I know how disappointed you would be looking down on me. So I am writing this in hopes it will give me the strength to finally start my day. I shall rise up for you and live in your name dad. I shall find it in me to celebrate life and the new year for you tonight. I hope you can be proud of me now; you always told me I needed to enjoy life more. All the things you would be so proud of me for that I finally found the strength to accomplish this year even if it was one of the worst years in decades ha surprising right? It just eats me up knowing it took you passing to actually get that power inside for myself to do all those things finally but I also thank you because it was as if you were giving me all of your own strength that you had left since you saw no reason for it now as you are stronger then ever before.
I guess you are always right I am the worst haha....
I'm sorry as you know me best I ended up napping most the day away I can't help myself sometimes though the depression just wins. The day did not go unfulfilled no I did manage to get myself up by eight at night finally for my sister showed up and helped give me the encouragement I oh so desperately needed in that moment. So to make you even prouder I did get out of bed finally and showered and dressed. I ended up even managing to get make up on and part taking in some of your FAVORITE activities (he knows what i mean sorry) as well as some how even had a few good friends over; all who which you loved oh so dearly. I know you were looking down smiling that half the ones you loved were together for the one day you couldn't help but to find yourself cheesing and grinning for; Also known as your favorite holiday. Happy New Year's daddy! Here is to hopefully many great accomplishments this new year not only for myself but in your name for i can feel it in me you will lift me up and I will rise for you!
Signed: Your babygirl forever
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Another day without you down here with me.
Dear dad, I miss you more then words could ever be able to form and say. Nothings the same nor will it ever be the same with out you down here with me. Every day I wake up and I feel wrong; Guilty if you would, why should someone who don't wanna be here still be here but yet someone who deserves to be here isn't anymore.The stroke is when it all started and I thought I was blessed then for getting you to the hospital on time. I saved you once and I should have never stopped trying after. You got better to only start getting bad all over again but this time the lead suspect being depression. I think i kept telling my self in a way you were invincible so everything was fine and you would be back to normal ol Tom again soon but boy was i oh so wrong. I feel responsible for your passing in a few ways and it eats me alive inside. I should have called more, I should have visited more, I shouldn't have picked a job that I hated over the only person in this world that had my whole heart. If I could i would go back, if I could i would tell you I love you more, if I could i would have forced you to come out your house more with me and we could've lived life fully together as we both deserved. I think back on all the memories i have of not only you but us together and they are something i will cherish till my last breath on this cold round ball we call Earth is gone. Dad you were my hero, my teacher, my healer, my couch, my therapist, my mechanic, my fisherman and so much more all in one person. Everything I am and know today is all thanks to you. When it was just you and I against the world the days were dark but they got brighter for atleast we had eachother. I shouldn't have left you causing it to become dark all over again for you but this time you were completely alone and had no one else to help lift you up for that ill never forgive myself. We should have been healing eachother but instead I left you to slowly lose all light and eventually all your pedals fell off and you were left a root. Till the day even that root hardened and dried up because I wasn't there to cherish , nourish, and water it daily. I hope you are happier then I could ever be down here without you now and I hope you are getting everything you have ever wanted and deserved up there wherever you are now. I try to talk to you daily and i hold my necklace with you in it every day I wake up and close my eyes. You will stay with me forever and you will always be number one in my heart and in my head. Please just call one more time so I can hear your voice again; oh what I would do to just hear i love you from your voice again. I can't wait for the day I can say hi to your face and not to the clouds. So I guess till that day ill stay here remembering you , talking about you and keeping your soul alive down here with me and those you loved dearly. I love you daddy forever and always to the moon and back. Keep resting easy.
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