Stream of Consciousness
Word of the Day: 恵比寿
I think I need to write one more story to get my nerves in order. I am going to have to talk to my teacher about my IEP so, I think that is also why I am not feeling completely sorted out this morning. I think I will wait until after class to talk to him about it, unless he brings it up in class then, I guess we can go about it that way too.
By Kayla McIntosh3 months ago in Confessions
Word of the Day: 電波
I don't think I can afford to write right now but I feel like, since I am not taking medication and also self medicating with weed, I need to take journaling seriously as a form of therapy. Since I am feeling very odd, even if it isn't "dangerous" I still feel I need to treat it as if I was in a full blown bad mood right now. I am not sure what I am upset about, I guess because everything feels pointless and I am not sure what I am going to do in my future. I mean that is something to complain about for now to take me out of the moment, but I really don't know what is going on. I am really thinking the celestial placements are causing this turbulence. My only solution though is to just ignore it until tomorrow, which... I mean, I have no better option in front of me at the moment.
By Kayla McIntosh3 months ago in Confessions
what i'll never get to say. Top Story - October 2025.
i never exaggerated. i have trauma about telling my truth and being called a liar so we're gonna start here. every. single. thing. i told you happened, happened. some happened this year, last year, earlier. i told you that, too. but it all happened the way i said it did.
By Maia Gadwall the metAlchemist3 months ago in Confessions
confessions of a madwoman
for about three months, i forgot how to write. i couldn't draw or do much of anything creative but nothing terrified me on such an existential level as forgetting how to write. see, i had a condition called serotonin syndrome, an artificial build-up of the happiness chemical in my brain and it almost killed me. no joke, look it up. that particular side effect (of a cocktail of medications including a migraine preventative that was the last to be replaced) is a mortality risk and a half and i was grappling with the consequences of it at the same time as an identity crisis caused in part by the only viable solution to serotonin syndrome: serotonergic cessation. no serotonin aids for weeks. around that time i started having seizures whenever i tried to engage my imagination. it was hell. it still hurts a little to wrench the words from my subconscious to the surface and i'm twitching a bit because of it, but i'm afraid if i don't start writing again i'll never get back into the habit and this year has cost me so much already. i lost my mind, my career, my identity, my libido, possibly my marriage, definitely my sense of safety, and at least one extremely good friend whose loss i'm not allowed to grieve except at my therapist and buried in the lines of prose i scream into the void. i am profoundly alone and simultaneously surrounded by people who love me and it is the most surreal experience of my life. i'm in the middle of a full-blown PTSD resurgence, blending childhood and adult traumas together into a nightmarish hellscape that overlaps reality like a superimposed photograph all. the. time. and i'm having some kind of midlife crisis regarding my spirituality but lack of religious belief that led me to start a cult (which i will definitely be linking to when i finish writing this because shameless self promotion is the modus operandi). but in my defense the model is terribly unprofitable because the point is to crowd-source the epiphany to the masses, which means free access to all. the most important bits of the philosophy are completely free, from the playlist augury (which you can use to listen to the will of the universe once you tune it to your channel, so to speak) to the three mantras (which guide everyday decisions in the moment) to the twelve principles (which guide overall values and morals). they play off each other to create an implication of further values, but lack the strict methodical proscription of religious dogma. alchemy doesn't care how you get there, or even what you call it. all that matters is that you serve the equilibrium, the balance of the universe, the source of the energy, or your God by doing good things that adhere to the principles and live according to the mantras. if you don't want to use the playlist augury, you don't have to. be hyperpresent in your own body and do something that feels good while you think about who you are and what your place is in the world. mine is behind a screen, ranting like a crazy person (because I am a crazy person) about my nervous breakdown, my new cult, my impending bankruptcy, my new name, my rock bottom, my activist art that no one buys (but they should, since i don't even get a piece of some of them, so there will be another link here), my marriage, my mother... pretty much anything. so when i forgot how to write, i've never been so scared of anything in my life.
By Maia Gadwall the metAlchemist3 months ago in Confessions
Not Everything. Top Story - June 2024.
Do you ever feel like you can't run from yourself fast enough? Like every decision you’ve ever made is eternal, but that knowledge alone is not enough to keep you from acting on your idiotic impulses and the thoughts of your bad heart?
By Mezmur3 months ago in Confessions
Secret Letter
I never told anyone but Mark, an alter and Spiritual ground, what happened to me those first two years after brain surgery between 1998 and 2000. In the gentle year of the Rabbit (1999), a year after the surgery, I came in contact with the natural and kind demon known to Catholism as Michael. What had happend was small and uninteresting to the surface, but for the inside of my head, it was a war ready to be layered over and at the soft age of seven, forgotten about.
By Parsley Rose 3 months ago in Confessions
Your Future Self is Watching
When sitting in a quiet setting like at home when the lights go off, or in an office where I have to wait for a long while, or simply on a long trip when the noise settles in the bus. I often reflect on how I got this far. The decisions which led me here, the fortunate and unfortunate events which shaped this moment, and how all this could have been different if certain things didn’t happen. I also imagine how different my life would have been if I had made some other choices. For better or worse, I’ll never really know how things could have turned out. All I can do is assume they turned out for the best.
By real Jema3 months ago in Confessions
The Weight of Labels
I did not get angry because I was attacked. I got angry because I felt invisible. That is what labeling does. It reduces a human being—a soul with thoughts, experiences, and convictions—into a set of categories that can be dismissed before they even speak.
By Peter Thwing - Host of the FST Podcast3 months ago in Confessions
